The Sunday News
Bucie Mtshede
THE decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to break-up. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may suffer from shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimisation, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to “get even,” and wishes to reconcile. Usually society does not allow women to be initiators of a divorce and in most cases women take vows more seriously than men hence the hurt and pain when divorce knocks on the door.
It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children but because I am a woman I can only relate to what a woman feels so I will talk on behalf of women. Unfortunately I could not get hold of the clear real divorce statistics but my take is 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, 67 percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping in some cases and the reasons for this change are not clear but this will be a story for another day.
This could be because many people cannot afford to divorce, in as much as many people cannot afford to marry I do not know but I am just thinking. Divorce has far-reaching, long-lasting effects, both on the personal lives and well being of women who get divorced and on society as a whole. Many studies have concluded that divorce affects women more powerfully and more negatively than it affects men, personally, emotionally and financially. Some sociologists have concluded that divorce contributes to many societal problems, including what they call the “feminisation of poverty.”
Divorced women experience mental distress and psychological problems, such as depression, both immediately after the divorce and for as long as a decade afterward. They find themselves in worse physical health than married women, and their lives contain more stress even after 10 years of the divorce. Being a single divorced parent is not easy, it kills a lot of things both in the inside and outside.
Women are always on the receiving end and it puts a lot of strain on them. Divorce’s negative effects harm women more than men. Because women usually take custody of the couple’s children, they bear greater financial burdens and face more stress in their lives. Further, single women tend to experience poverty more than single men, largely because they earn less for the same jobs and because they often work in lower-paying careers. Divorce often grants men more freedom and fewer responsibilities, whereas divorced women face greater hardships.
When parents separate, children worry about who will take care of them and in most cases women take responsibility and take care of the children and constantly have to be dragging the man to court for maintenance. Children are afraid that they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their conflict, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like “Daddy is divorcing us,” being late for pick-up, or abducting the children.
Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have “permission” to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to “take care of” one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.
Divorce is really difficult for a woman because in some cases she has to keep it together and can not show her true feelings as she continuously have to make excuses for daddy’s leaving.
The societal expectation is that divorced life is less satisfying than married life but because I am a woman and it would hurt me to see a sister miserable and sad as she drags divorce scars with her I will say look on the bright side and make your own sunshine. Despite the potential negative effects of divorce on a woman, there are many cases in which divorce leads to a happier, healthier life so to all my soul sisters out there do not beat yourself up or blame yourself, hold on to a positive way of life. . . If a woman is getting out of a marriage fraught with conflict or violence she will be happier in the long term. For a divorce to have more positive effects on a woman than negative, she must make the most of the chance to change her life for the better.
Some women say that the first few years after divorce are a time of significant personal growth, with greater independence and more personal choices. It is crucial to work to create a better life. Every single decision a woman makes after divorce, from where to live to how to increase her income, is an important part of this process. I do not know much and I am no expert but because I am a woman I understand what divorce does to women so I can share the little knowledge I have.
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Feedback from last week:
Good article, but have you realised that most mistresses are learned ladies with good jobs, driving nice cars. But what could be the reason for being the second best? – 0773 951 999
Thanks for your conclusion Busie. Your women’s column is good and educative to all, I respect your thoughtful reasoning. – 0771 380 387
