The Sunday News
Mzana Mthimukulu Lighterside
IF you want to eat well at a social gathering, sit with pastors and elders.
I see many of you dear readers panicking. “The food may be delicious but what will I talk about with those men of God and old timers? What behaviour is expected of me in this solemn company?”
Fear not. Even if your knowledge of the Bible is so little that you believe David and Goliath were Jesus’ disciples, you can survive up to three hours with pastors.
Contrary to a widespread fear, pastors do not go about examining people’s knowledge of the Bible. Neither do they delight in spreading gloom and despondency. Where there is happiness, pastors aim to make the occasion even happier. Where there is sorrow, their mission is to comfort and give hope.
Thus whoever you are, whatever mood you are in, you are the best candidate to rub shoulders with pastors and elders. Like every activity, sitting with society’s cream requires preparation. A word of caution — do not over prepare. Allow me to digress and talk about the pitfalls of too much preparation.
Last month my brother Thabani was saddened by the passing away of a good neighbour. He decided to give the neighbour a fitting farewell.
For the first time in his life, Thabani bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card. What language should I use on the card, he wondered?
English is the world’s most widely spoken language, but is it appropriate? Should it be brief or must I sing praises? Flowery or plain language?
Sleep eluded him as he wrestled with these questions. Several times he got up, scribbled a message on a scrap book and returned to bed. A few minutes later, he would get up and change the message. Finally, at dawn he thought of a message he was happy with. Like a sculptor putting the final touches on his work, he wrote on the card — Hamba kuhle, siyalandela. Smiling, he fell asleep.
Throughout the church service, a satisfied Thabani waited for his masterpiece to be read out. It was just the right length. The language was appropriate. “God may speak all languages,” he reasoned, “but what if the ancestral spirits of my neighbour will deliver the message to God, how will they do it if it is in English?”
At the graveside, the master of ceremony announced: “We thank you all for your beautiful flowers and cards. However, because we are running behind time, we will only read messages from immediate family members.”
“If only I had known,” Thabani hissed to himself under his breath.
Preparing to sit with pastors and elders is easier than writing a funeral card. Firstly, dress appropriately. You will not go wrong with formal attire. Dark suits for funerals and bright ones for weddings. Smart casual is for parties.
Secondly, think about what you will initially talk about. Whether you are the talkative or the reserved kind, you make perfect company for pastors and elders. The loud mouth provides pastors with ideas for their sermons, speeches and issues to be prayed for. Any subject matter is grit for the mill as far as pastors are concerned. Feel free to carry on on any subject under the sun. The weather, fashion, the pain and pleasure of using public transport, the economy and trips down memory lane are all fair game. Pastors are good listeners and will hang on to every word you say.
For the quiet ones, remember whatever little you have to say is to a pastor like a fire under dry leaves. Spit it out and when you go quiet the pastor will leap into action.
The man of God will develop it and talk non-stop for hours. Come to think of it, professions beginning with the letter “p” are for those who talk a lot. Pastors, prosecutors, public relations personnel and politicians all love the sound of their voices.
As for elders, just moan about today’s youth — their clothes, language or behaviour — and you will earn the elders’ eternal admiration. They will take over and talk all day.
By the way, why take all this trouble to sit with pastors and elders? Where they sit, the service is second to none and the food is mouth-watering.
While the masses are pushing and jostling at the long winding queues, you will be sinking into comfortable sofas in the reserved room.
Smiling food servers will be falling over each other to ensure that you get your seconds even before others get their first meagre portions. Servers believe that one compliment from a pastor is worth a hundred from the crowd. By association, compliments of those who sit in the pastors’ room or tent carry the same weight.
Variety characterises the food and drinks served at the pastors’ room. For instance rice comes in many colours and aromas. Meat lovers are spoiled for choice. Beef, goat meat, chicken and mutton will be in abundance. Rich gravy and various deserts do not know each other. My friend . . . to be told is to be denied. Next time you are at a gathering, park yourself within the society’s cream and you will see for yourself what I am talking about.
