AUNTY CHARITY: Fighting the right way

21 Jun, 2015 - 01:06 0 Views
AUNTY CHARITY: Fighting the right way

The Sunday News

sad-couple

AT some point most couples argue. While some may consider it a bad thing, fighting can be an important part of understanding each other’s perspective. To fight, disagree and quarrel is human. I find it sad when couples show off with pride that they never, ever fight, I always think it is more like someone saying they never have sex in their marriage because according to me other than sex, no act is more natural.

I always think arguments are not undesirable they help resolve issues though they should not be overdone. I think it is natural because all the way up and down the animal kingdom, animals argue, they bark, bellow, growl, and spit at each other (I witnessed this quite recently, it was so much fun I totally enjoyed it).

They are attempting to influence the other animal, who is often of the same species it is natural because it is their way of communicating. It could be probably a way of saying stay away, stop it I like it or give me that. I even noticed that even birds, who seem to be twittering cheerfully in the morning, are, in fact, twittering angrily at other birds of the same species, warning them off their territory. And the noise they make works because the other birds understand the meaning and they either leave or they share the space in harmony. So human beings argue, but not always so effectively and I think it is important to argue and fight effectively.

The problem with us, as human beings, is that we see life in terms of competition or we see it in black and white or our logical nature is a rescuer in many life matters but not in the resolving marriage conflicts, we always want to pack and walk out instead of resolving issues.

Arguing is not necessarily bad for your love or marriage but when you remain silent, I think the confusion and misunderstanding are more likely to build and grow so much that you cannot contain it. Anger that is shelved down is just as unhealthy as anger that’s ejected out so what is it going to be, because either way it has got to be expressed. I honestly think that issues should not be bottled up because the longer you let an argument go on, the more distant you become and the more damage that occurs sometimes it’s impossible to repair but this will be a topic for another day.

Judging from e-mails that came through this week it seems the past always resurfaces and gets people worked up as they are reminded of what went wrong the last time. I am a woman and I know for a fact that I like pilling up past mistakes and bringing them out all at once but I have since realised it is more damaging than healing. The next time you argue with your partner please do not revisit the past never, ever, relieve the past, leave it there and focus on the fight at hand. Disagree, rant and rave all you want but just be sure to make it all about the current problem and not one that you left for dead a year ago. Resolving every argument with your spouse may seem impossible at first thought. I know right now as you are reading this you may be thinking, Yeah right you have never met my partner, easy for you to say! but in all honesty I think the ultimate goal to every fight should be to resolve it.

I also think that at the end of it all it does not matter who said or did what when, and to truly end an argument, there’s no room for blame. Do take responsibility for yelling, name calling or jumping to conclusions if that is what you have done seeing some of us are good at all the above. Do acknowledge your role in the stress you both feel and do let your partner know how you feel emotionally and move on because it is not going to help you resolve the argument and move forward if you bottle things up or if you erupt like a volcano. When you set aside blame and take a wider view of the decision or troubling situation, you can more easily see where there is connection between what you want and what your partner wants. From that place of connection, come up with an agreement. When you work together, you may find the new solution is actually better than what either of you were individually set on. I am not saying you should let your partner step on you or abuse you but please be specific and affirmative with your agreement so that you both are on board with and understand what the next step will be which is to live peacefully with each other.

The way you speak to your partner during a disagreement or in everyday conversation really matters. If you had to watch yourself, would you be embarrassed? Think about that the next time your emotions get the better of you. More important to consider, however, is the fact that the louder, more aggressive and hostile you become, the less sense you make to the other person. The more civilised you are, the more open they will be to hear what you have to say. So calm down and take a deep breath before you blow up. Let’s keep talking next week we are talking about make up sex.

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