The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I DON’T know what to do. I am getting married in April but I am having second thoughts. The problem is that I recently started sleeping with my ex-girlfriend and we share a bond that I don’t have with my wife-to-be. My ex-girlfriend does not know that I am getting married and she has the impression that we are going to get back together officially. I love her more than the woman I am marrying. What must I do? — Confused.
Reply
Bhudi wenzani? You have to pull your head out of the sand and start coming clean with the women in your life. What you cannot do is sleepwalk into a marriage that you are not committed to. This can’t get as far as the altar. Be honest with your fiancé and tell her — before any more plans are made and money is spent — that this marriage is not going to happen. You are sorry but you are living a lie and your heart is not in it. Everything has moved too fast and you are not interested in becoming her husband.
Of course, she is going to be utterly devastated but you have to be true to yourself and her too. Make it clear that you will spare her the humiliation of cancelling the venue and deal with the guests, but this is serious and final and you won’t be swayed by pleading or tears. Of course, you must be kind and contrite, but strong too because this marriage would have been a total disaster. Once everything is done, and in the right order, then you can make contact with your ex-girlfriend again. Maybe you and she will make a go of things and end up being reunited. But promise me you won’t see or speak to her again until you’ve finished with your current fiancé.
Hi Sis Noe
I have a boyfriend and we fight a lot. We have nothing in common and we don’t agree on a lot of things. But when we have sex, we have the greatest sex ever. He is the best man I have ever slept with and he says he has never slept with someone like me. We cannot get enough of each other. My friends tell me that sex is not everything, eventually we will break up because we are always fighting. What can I do to save our relationship? I love him. — Worried.
Reply
Mnawami I don’t want to lie to you — I don’t see your relationship, if it is a relationship, lasting the distance. The reality is that you and your guy don’t have a complete relationship. You are not soulmates and don’t have anything in common. Would you even say that you are in love with each other? I don’t think you can even though you say you love him. Yes, I get it that the sex is great, but there has to be more to an adult relationship than bonking away from morning to midnight.
I get the impression that you are together out of habit, but neither of you makes the other genuinely happy. I suggest you wave him off and wish him good luck with his new life. Then give yourself a chance to calm down and get him out of your system. How can you find someone new to love when he is always in the background? When you are ready to start dating again, keep an open mind and remember that no one is perfect and that compromise has to be an important factor in any successful relationship. Not sex, even though it is an important part.
Hi Sis Noe
I don’t know whether I am normal or not. I hate being in relationships. I am a 26-year-old woman and I sleep around a lot. I sleep with single men, married men and very old men. I have experimented a lot to the extent that I once had lesbian sex and participated in threesomes. I have tried many times to be in a serious relationship but I find it boring. My family and friends are concerned about me and they say that I am living a risky lifestyle, but I don’t think it is risky because I use protection all the time. I am HIV negative and I have never been infected with a sexually transmitted disease. Am I normal? — Worried.
Reply
Ulahlekile shame — I won’t beat about the bush because beating about the bush was a questionable method of hunting used by the poor because they could not afford bait. First of all, you have to admit and accept that your family and friends love and care about you. You hate that they try to restrain you, but surely you can see their point? No parent wants to see his/her daughter opening her legs for every man that she meets. I bet if it was within your power you could sleep with every man in Bulawayo, hell, every man in Zimbabwe!
And this excuse that you protect all the time is a lie. Of the hundreds of men you have slept with, how many times did you not use protection? What you are doing poses danger to your physical, emotional and sexual health. I just ask you to be careful, because it sounds as if you are getting carried away with yourself and careering out of control. Yes, risky sex can be exciting and raw but you are not invincible. Please change your ways nkazana. There is nothing special about your cookie jar. And this sex you are having we have it too but we don’t go around opening our legs for every man we meet.
Hi Sis Noe
I am in love with a fat woman but my friends don’t like her. They always make fun of her and they don’t want me to go out with them when I am with her. Some have even told me to break up with her and look for a slim girl. Recently at Hartsfield Rugby Ground one of my friends’ girlfriends made a stupid joke about my girlfriend and we had to leave because she was crying. What must I do? — Disappointed.
Reply
They make fun of your girlfriend, the woman who has won your heart, the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, but somehow you still call them your friends. You must be really kind-hearted. How dare they be so rude about the woman you adore? Are you honestly telling me that every single one of them is absolutely perfect both inside and out? Man up and tell them to shut up. She sounds like a lovely person. The only reason your girl should ever lose weight is for herself and if she is happy as she is, good for her.
Your friends are idiots. Anyway, I simply don’t understand why the opinions of the crowd you keep are so important to you. Yes, of course we all have our friends, the people we have known for years, and we are happy when they like the people we love. But it doesn’t sound as if there is anything likeable, reasonable or human about the people you still call your friends. It sounds like your girlfriend has got more compassion and humanity in her than the rest of them put together. What you do next is up to you, but make sure that you stick by that woman.
