The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
THERE is this girl that I love but she only wants to see me when she wants to have sex or when she is asking for money.
Whenever I try to hang out with her she comes up with an excuse. She is very beautiful and I wonder why she wants me because I think I am out of her league. I stay in Mzilikazi and she stays in Burnside. Do you think I am wasting my time? — Worried.
Reply
You are not going to like all of this advice, but please know that it is coming from a place of kindness. She is using you and she is not taking you seriously. It doesn’t matter why, it’s more about her than it is about you. But it’s not nice and you have got to take matters into your own hands to stop this going on any longer. One thing first — stop looking down on yourself — stop telling yourself you are unattractive. You are hardly a pariah. Stop speaking about yourself this way. Life is hard enough without constantly talking ourselves down internally.
Plus, this low self-esteem is a feedback loop. Because you tell yourself you are garbage, you are willing to be treated like garbage. And where you reside means nothing. I am going to tell you something you won’t like but that you need to know. You have to be strong and cut her off — today — now. That means cutting off all communication. Every time you take her calls her hold over you gets stronger and she uses the occasional sex to keep you hooked. Stop indulging her. You will have to be really strong to withstand the pressure.
She will wheedle, she will try to make you feel guilty, and she may tempt you in various ways. Hold firm. Protect yourself and your heart. You are worth so much more than being picked up and put down at a whim. Be strong, be resolved. But most importantly, stop giving in to her whenever she asks. You are worth being considered as boyfriend material. Tell her that this current arrangement is not working for you. Don’t be afraid to walk away.
Hi Sis Noe
I just discovered that my girlfriend of three years was cheating on me. She has apologised and says she loves me and is desperate to make things right. But now I don’t trust her and I cannot love her the way I used to love her because of her cheating. But I am confused, was the three years a lie? Is it possible to love and cheat on someone? — Cheated.
Reply
I am sorry you are experiencing this. What your girlfriend did was so bad that you consider it a deal breaker. It was a serious violation of the bond you guys had, the trusting foundation a relationship is based on. I believe it is possible to love someone and to do wrong by them and cause them pain. I think you can love someone full-heartedly and also make a terrible, unforgivable mistake. I do not believe betrayal means a relationship was a lie. Life is rarely black and white. In fact, when it comes to love, it happens more often than we all care to admit. None of this is to say that you should take her back. Just try to understand that two things can be true at one time.
She loved you, she was unfaithful to you. I think going down the rabbit hole of whether she loved you enough or the right way is where madness lies. Just accept you two had love, but now it has to end. Your ex-girlfriend is not defined by the mistake she made. One mistake is not the sum total of who she is, or what your relationship was. Doing bad doesn’t disbar us from trying to be good people. All of us are capable of doing terrible things, and some of us do them. Life is messy and complicated and painful, but it’s also brilliant. Those two things are true at the same time. People are unfaithful, I think, for very many different and diverse reasons. Some people are weak: an opportunity presents itself and they cannot resist temptation. Others are bored, seeking a thrill, some are feckless and irresponsible, some people are insecure, other people are compulsive, or lashing out from spite, resentful, filling a void, acting on some need for freedom they might not even be able to name. There are countless reasons.
That said, there may be no good reason at all. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter why she did it — she did it, and that’s it. It has to do with her, not you. Remember that. Guessing the reason won’t change what happened, or help in any way and getting bogged down in analysis of her actions will stop you from moving on. Your relationship with her is beyond repair, but as a person she is not beyond redemption. If we were all written off by our worst mistake, there could be none of us left. She messed up, really badly. Maybe she will learn, maybe she won’t. That’s not your concern. We are all capable of messing up — its human nature. Try not to let the way it ended sully all that came before it, because you could be doing your relationship and yourself a great disservice.
Hi Sis Noe
I made a mistake and had sex with my father’s best friend who is 25 years older than me and now I am afraid that if he finds out something bad will happen. My father is a well-known politician and he owns a gun. The man I had sex with wants us to continue. — Confused and scared.
Reply
I don’t know what to say. This man obviously watched you grow up and he most likely held you in his arms when you were a baby and now you had the impudence to hold him in your arms. I am shocked. But I am glad that you defined it as a mistake — meaning you don’t want it to happen again. Your father will find out eventually if you keep sleeping with this man so I urge you to cut off all contact with him. If you don’t something bad will happen — he might be shot dead. Even if nothing dramatic happens the whole thing will hurt your dad. I am sure you do not want that to happen. Look for someone your age and have all the sex you want. Avoid your father’s friend.
