The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I JUST discovered that my husband has been living a secret sex life. He has been sleeping with many women and attending sex parties. I want to leave him but I am failing because I love him. — Help.
Reply
It is easy to think we know what we would do when we are cheated on, but when we are in it, it is difficult to walk away. Why? Because you know and love them and they bring something to your life, it is much harder. What you can’t do is stay out of fear that you won’t meet anyone else, or that another relationship would end up the same. You can’t put up with things you find intolerable or don’t keep you safe. You also should not leave this relationship if, actually, you are happy in it and want to stay in it, but feel other people will judge you. While partners such as yours can cause a knee-jerk reaction, I hope you can see past his sins to the man behind all this and see if he is someone you want.
Hi Sis Noe
I am 21 and my girlfriend dumped me a year ago and I am failing to fall in love again. I worry that I will never find another person again. — Worried.
Reply
You are dwelling on your past relationship because it has not — yet — been replaced by anything. Although I can’t tell you that you will find someone, the overwhelming probability is that you will. But I don’t know anyone who hasn’t felt as you do, especially in those tender early-adult years. You are still very young; some studies a few years ago suggested that adolescence lasts until the mid-20s — that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is still developing until then. If only you could see what you perceive to be your failings as strengths and your stumbles as learning curves. This girl is a past tense, forget about her and allow yourself to move on.
Hi Sis Noe
I want to settle down but I don’t know which woman to choose. I have a girlfriend that I love and an ex-girlfriend that I also love. We have a good time together. What should I do? — Confused.
Reply
The answer to your dilemma is that, very probably, neither of these women is right for you. When there is a choice between two people, it is not always a case that one of them must be right for you, if you could only work out which. It is more likely that you have two not-quite-right-for you people in front of you at the same time. I think the fact that you are feeling ready to “settle down” is making you look at your situation and evaluate — and that is good. Just don’t mistake availability for suitability. My advice is to break from both women.
Let them be free to meet someone else if they choose to. Don’t give them false hope and string both of them along – that would be really cruel. I know this is not going to be easy for you because of your indecision, but you also seem to be trying to keep everyone. But you have to do it; otherwise you are going to make a really big mess. So take time to find out a bit more about yourself, who you really are, and what you want. Our own insecurities can make us indecisive — and I think these two women are manifestations of yours. Take time to work this out now and there is no reason you can’t settle down in the future. But don’t be surprised if it is with someone you haven’t met yet.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a married man and I have children but I have fallen in love with a colleague. I have not told her that I want her. What should I do? — Worried.
Reply
Once you develop a big crush on someone it’s really hard to stop thinking about them unless you stop seeing them and actively stop thinking about them or the crush wears itself out. Both take time. I do think this is a huge crush you have. That is not to undermine how you feel, but I think you need to see it for what it is. I think you also need to ask yourself what you would like to happen — really like to happen. Because I bet that, when you consider the reality of what leaving your wife and starting a relationship with this woman might look like, it won’t appear to be quite so much fun. The great thing about fantasies is that they can be whatever you want.
That said, it did make me wonder whether you have much time for fun in your life and whether this provides some levity away from what may be the “grind” of everyday life. It’s totally normal to have crushes, but when they tip into being all-encompassing like this, something else is going on. Really intense crushes can also be less about the person you are projecting on than about yourself. Admittedly, married people fall in love with other people and they leave their partners and start a new relationship. It happens. But I don’t think that’s happening here — at least not yet. Not least because nothing concrete has happened; it’s all, still, very much in your head. I don’t think you should communicate how you feel to the woman at work. I think this has the potential to have a negative impact on your work environment and may be seen as harassment if it’s not welcome. But you could definitely work on the communication with your wife – this is what intimacy is
Hi Sis Noe
I have great sex with my boyfriend but he does not want commitment or children. We have been together for years, now I wonder if we are just using each other.
Reply
I really do believe you need to think very carefully about this. From the way you write about your relationship, it sounds as if your boyfriend already irritates you a lot. Whether this is because there is nothing else to tell me about it, or that is how you have chosen to present it, I don’t know. Sex aside, what is there? It is only the sex part of the relationship that you describe as really good, and while that is excellent, I do wonder if it will be enough to compensate for the other things you seem to lack. Staying in a relationship that’s not right for you will eventually make you bitter and angry – two emotions that you really want to avoid. You are already sort of single. There is no relationship to talk about here.
