The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I AM a woman aged 25 and I am having sex with my best friend’s brother. She doesn’t know this because it is a secret. It is nothing serious, just sex, we both agreed that we cannot turn this into a committed relationship. — Worried.
Reply
Writing to me tells me that you fancy your best friend’s brother, but it appears to be a relationship based purely on sex — which tends to be what ‘‘friends with benefits’’ are all about. You are not dating or getting to know each other, and only want to see one another until someone else comes along. If you are going round to see your best friend, then ending up in his brother’s bedroom, I really don’t think it’s a good idea. He may be saying it’s OK, but if it continues I think it will damage your ‘‘best friend’’ relationship. Also, sex with little or no emotional connection is rather empty, and not worth losing friends over.
Hi Sis Noe
There is a woman at work who I am very attracted to and we flirt a lot. I have not done anything with her but I know it is just a matter of time before we have sex. She tells me her husband sleeps around. Is it a good idea? — Worried.
Reply
This woman sounds vulnerable to an affair, and I do hope your common sense will stop you from taking things further. Affairs frequently happen because of marriage problems, and, rather than trying to sort them out, people often find solace in other relationships. If you had an affair with her, you would be stepping on a minefield. First, she is married; second, she could fall in love with you or you with her only to find she won’t leave her husband. He could find out, then rather than trying to repair the marriage, it could end in divorce, which would be devastating if there are children involved.
Hi Sis Noe
I am confused. I am in a relationship with a great guy but I have started flirting with my best friend. I have never cheated in my previous relationships and I thought I would never do that but my best friend is making me do things I have never done before. — Confused.
Reply
No one makes anyone do things — you do them because you want to. Even though this is not a full-blown affair — well, not yet — I suspect that your boyfriend would be devastated if he knew the contact you have been having with this other person. This man says he is interested in you, but that is far different from how your boyfriend says he feels about you. For example, this man’s interest might be about having a fun and sexy relationship, but not one that lasts. How would you feel then? If you did have a future together, would your life truly be so different from the one you could have with your boyfriend — and is it a life you actually want? Perhaps you need to find out more about how this man really feels about you. It’s not fair to two-time your boyfriend, so if you love him, you need to end this flirty relationship with your friend immediately. But the fact that you are so attracted to this other man suggests you are not as in love with your boyfriend as he is with you. If so, it would be kinder to end things with him.
Hi Sis Noe
I love my husband but I am not sure if he loves me, simply because he does not care about my emotional and sexual needs.
The sex we have satisfies him, not me. I have told him this but nothing has changed. — Help.
Reply
Sadly, it sounds as though your husband has become an increasingly selfish and uninterested lover. It is hard to imagine how your sex life has made you feel, given that your husband does not know what you enjoy or what gives you pleasure.
Understanding this about your partner is an essential part of any loving relationship — and it should always work both ways.
If a couple do not explore what each other enjoys, then one or both tend to lose interest in their sexual relationship and are often tempted to look elsewhere. I know this is tough, but I think you need to talk to your husband and ask him if he still loves you and whether he truly wants this marriage to work or is just staying for the children or financial reasons. If you both want to stay in the marriage, talk about why you feel you are drifting apart and discuss what changes you both wish to see in your relationship — including your sex life. I hope that once you feel closer to one another your sex life will improve. Alternatively, if he has fallen out of love then perhaps he is no longer the man for you.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 28-year-old man and I’m having an affair with my mother’s best friend, who is 48 and divorced. We have had sex many times and we have strong feelings for each other. My mother knows nothing about our relationship. Is this wrong? —
Confused.
Reply
You are being foolish and your mum’s best friend has been highly irresponsible. However, attractive she may find you, she should have resisted temptation out of loyalty and respect for your mother. There is a 20-year age gap between you and, even though you say you have strong feelings for one another, the relationship doesn’t have a future. Fast forward a few years and imagine being in your late 30s, married to a woman approaching 70. I know that in your 20s, an older woman may seem sophisticated and sexually experienced, so as well as learning a lot about sex, your relationship might be great fun and exciting, too, but not with your mother’s best friend. Both of you should agree to end the fling. If you don’t, there is an increasing risk of your mother discovering the truth. That would certainly mean the end of her friendship with this woman, which I’m sure would be devastating for her. She would also be angry with you — at least in the short-term — and though she may forgive you in time, it could change your relationship with her for good. I know it will be hard, but please end this now before your mother finds out and look for a girlfriend your own age.
Hi Sis Noe
I love my wife and we have been together for three years, but have not had sex for the last four months. I have to admit that sex with her was never as good as with most of my previous girlfriends. Now, I simply don’t find her sexually attractive any more. Plus she now wants us to have children but I am not ready. — Help.
Reply
Have you explored the reasons why you no longer find your wife sexually attractive? Was your sex life not good because she was inhibited, or did you always make love in the same way? Has she perhaps put on weight, or have you begun comparing her unfavourably to previous girlfriends? For sex to be good between two people, they both need to be open about what they enjoy and to try new ideas to give each other pleasure. Alternatively, maybe you have lost interest because deep down you are worried about her getting pregnant, so you started to avoid making love. Unless the sexual side of your relationship is restored, the marriage is not going to be sustainable in the long term. You are only in your 20s, I assume — how would you remain faithful in a sexless marriage? It would not be wise to start a family yet; you have to face the fact that your marriage may not have a future.
