The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I AM a 23-year-old woman and I enjoy sex but I am afraid to have sex because every time I do I wet the bed. As a result of that I am afraid to have a boyfriend. However, the liquid I release is not like the usual urine. — Help.
Reply
Relax — you are not alone. Some women do ejaculate. You rightly observed that the fluid you expel during orgasm is not urine so you are not wetting the bed, but simply experiencing natural physiological events. It’s the way nature has designed you.
Unfortunately, it sounds as though you may have had some negative feedback on this, and your confidence to develop a relationship is suffering. But is it possible that your embarrassment is causing you to make assumptions about how your partners feel? Are you giving them a chance to express a positive view? Some men may be surprised, or even turned off as you say: but many men are accepting of, and even excited by, a woman who ejaculates. Try to get to know a man better before you have sex with him, so you can decide whether or not he is mature enough to appreciate the unique person you happen to be.
Instead of defining yourself in terms of what you see as an embarrassing flaw, try to recognise that being a woman who ejaculates is a special gift.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 26-year-old woman and I am afraid of having sex. Whenever a man tries to enter me, I feel so scared at how painful it may feel. As a result I avoid sex. I know I should have lost my virginity by now. — Worried.
Reply
Try to let go of the belief that you should have lost your virginity by now. You are still young, so take your time and don’t allow yourself to be pressured into more before you are ready. Most of the nerve endings that convey genital pleasure are centred in your clitoris so it is understandable that penetration does not seem so appealing. It is natural to feel apprehensive about your first experience of intercourse, and you may have some pain and bleeding, which is even more reason to wait until you are with someone you trust. Many women do not have a positive first-time experience, but that is often due to psychological rather than physical pain, because their partner is unsuitable or the situation is disappointing.
You may have a thick and imperforate hymen, so consult your gynaecologist about a minor surgical procedure to open it.
Then, instead of obsessing about the physical side of things, focus more on finding a loving partner. If your fear fails to diminish, even with the right man, seek psychotherapeutic help.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 35-year-old man and I am afraid of women. I am not a virgin and I have had sex a few times but I am afraid to ask a woman out. In the past I have suffered from depression and low self-esteem, could that be the cause? — Depressed.
Reply
There are many kinds of phobias, and they are all treatable. Fear of women is usually based on anxiety. It develops in adolescence or adulthood, or it can be passed to a child by a phobic parent. If your phobia has its roots in a traumatic incident in your past, you need help to recover from this before you can relate comfortably to women and enjoy sex. Sometimes fear of women indicates sexual orientation issues, and these too can be resolved. I recommend that you seek psychotherapy from an accredited professional for the treatment of all your struggles, including your depression. You deserve to be far happier.
Hi Sis Noe
When I have sex with my boyfriend he loves spanking my butt and tying me to the bed when we have sex. Now he is asking me to spank him in return and to tie him to the bed and whip him. While I enjoy what he does to me what he is asking me worries me. — Worried.
Reply
It seems you are both turned on by the type of erotic play broadly known as BDSM (bondage/domination/sadomasochism), but whereas he enjoys being both a ‘‘bottom’’ and a ‘‘top’’ (playing either a submissive or dominant role); you are only comfortable being a “bottom”. Let him know this. Sexuality that includes bondage and spanking can be creative and exciting, but in order to play safely and consensually, you must adhere to certain rules. BDSM is all about trust, and the credo of the BDSM community — “safe, sane and consensual” — is a sound guideline. If you are going to spank someone or tie them up (or allow that to be done to you), you need to know how to do so without endangering the safety of both you and your partner, so get some reliable education. Agreement needs to be reached about what constitutes acceptable play. Don’t play under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and set some kind of fail-safe signal for stopping if things get too much for one of you.
Hi Sis Noe
We have been married for 15 years and we have two daughters, I love my husband but I don’t have any desire to have sex with him. I do fantasise about sex but not with him. We fight a lot and my husband says a lot of hurtful things but he never apologises when he is wrong. — Help.
Reply
One of the most common reasons for lack of desire is underlying resentment towards one’s partner. The verbal abuse you are receiving from your husband urgently needs to be addressed. The next time it happens, stand your ground and tell him that it is inappropriate and unacceptable. Walk away if necessary. No kind of abuse should be tolerated in a marriage. Couples therapy should help to create better parity in your relationship, while individual therapy could help raise your self-esteem and heal you from this trauma. Your lack of desire has arisen from the way you view yourself — as a mother, caretaker and ill-treated wife — leaving no place for your sexy, playful self to emerge. Once you have learned to stand up for yourself it will be easier for you to release your inner courtesan.
