The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I LOVE my partner and having sex with her, but I can’t ejaculate. Whenever I masturbate I can ejaculate with no problems. I have not talked to her about this. Would it help if I were to not masturbate for a while, and then try sex? — Worried.
Reply
Your notion of experimentation is good, as you need to find ways of bridging the gap between solo sex and partner sex — and to practise them until they become easy and habitual. You could try masturbating first, but if that is secretive, you may run the risk of establishing a style that is difficult to change. Rather, aim to incorporate self-pleasuring into your love-making sessions with your girlfriend as a preferred bridging method. Try masturbating to finish in her presence (preferably after satisfying her). Some men engage their partner’s help with this by inviting them to participate orally or with additional manual stroking.
Some couples even prefer mutual masturbation as a climaxing technique. But since it bothers you, it is important to ascertain the reason for your failure to climax with her. Is there a communication problem between you regarding your true needs? Try to share exact preferences with her and learn hers, too. Some men do have psychological issues about ejaculating in vaginas, but these can be treated clinically.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 22-year-old virgin. When I am with a man my feelings to have sex last for a few minutes and I lose the mood immediately. But I really want to try sex. Is there anything I can do to raise my sexual desire? — Starving.
Reply
You have already discovered the guilty secret of many women of all ages — that their least favourite part in their sexual debut is intercourse. But your curiosity and desire to lose your virginity is understandable and natural. Stop trying to force yourself to experience intercourse. Your psyche is telling you, especially in the moments when you lose interest, that you are not fully ready for it. The body can respond at odds with your mental desire — becoming aroused without the latter; this happens from time to time in most people at any point in their sexual development. It is natural to be afraid of one’s first intercourse. Wait until you find someone you completely trust, with whom you can be brave enough to explore many aspects of sexuality — not just intercourse. There are so many delicious forms of connecting erotically with another person; try to enjoy experimentation in myriad ways that thrill you first. I recommend you don’t agree to penetration until you are entirely sure you want it.
Instead, insist on more of what really excites you.
Hi Sis Noe
My wife rarely has sex with me, she complains that she is not well or she is tired. But I have discovered that she has a vibrator that she uses a lot. Why is she so selfish? — Help.
Reply
Your wife’s self-pleasuring is not necessarily having a detrimental effect on your joint sex life. It is very common for people in a relationship to engage in secret masturbation, and for tired, stressed people to prefer this as a comforting alternative. First, to address the underlying problems, support your wife in an effort to reduce her stress-load generally. You might also take steps to simplify your lovemaking style, especially the demands made on her. Perhaps she has not been sufficiently communicative regarding what she needs. Could you find a way to bring all this up in a non-confrontational way? Do also find moments during lovemaking to use the vibrator she enjoys so much; this will help to bridge the gap between her auto-eroticism and her passion for you.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 20-year-old woman in a relationship with a kind and sweet 24-year-old man whom I love very much. The problem is that sex is painful for me. I do not enjoy sex at all and my boyfriend is rough and hard with me as he doesn’t like romance.
—Worried.
Reply
Female notions of intimacy and romance are commonly alien and mysterious to men. One should never expect a man to automatically know what those fantasies of yours are, or even to consider them important. You could educate him, by gently offering very specific suggestions — tell him you want to be kissed and touched a lot — tell him to be gentle. When he gets it right, reward him with something he especially likes. More importantly, you should seriously consider why you are invested in a relationship that leaves you so unfulfilled, where you are willing to put up with pain, and where your partner is so blatantly ignoring your boundaries. Some people unconsciously choose relationships that repeat earlier traumas or unhappy situations.
Get some help if this might apply to you; otherwise, you may spend a lifetime imbued with longing.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 21-year-old woman; my boyfriend asked me how many men I have slept with. I have slept with quite a few, should I tell him? — Worried.
Reply
You do not have to reveal this kind of information to anyone. It is your private business. In fact, such a question can reveal a lot about the asker. You need to decide in the moment what his motives might be, and react accordingly. Is this being asked out of fear, possessiveness, intrusiveness or something else? Sometimes, a pointed “I prefer not to keep score” or “I’m just going to pretend you didn’t ask me that” will put an end to the inquiries. Humour is often the best ploy, and there are times when even sarcasm can help make a point, as in: “What number would you like?” In the best of situations, this could lead to an illuminating conversation, but don’t hold your breath. If the inquisitor persists, you may have to answer with a truthful:
“This question makes me very uncomfortable. I never, ever tell, but help me to understand why it is important for you to know?”
Hi Sis Noe
I’m a 38-year-old woman and I have not had sex for 10 years. It’s not that I didn’t want to have sex but it just happened. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without sex and affection. I don’t even know where to start and I don’t think anyone will believe me. — Starving.
Reply
Being ready to connect sexually with another person is a good first step. You will have to take some risks, though, and there is little defence for anyone against insecurities and embarrassments, no matter how sexually experienced they may be. In fact, being open to rejection — even ridicule — is an important part of your work ahead. When discomfort occurs, just tell yourself to breathe and tolerate it. For now, try to focus on making connections with others just for fun and friendship. If you allow yourself to become more sociable, sooner or later you will naturally meet someone to whom you will be attracted. At that point, you will really have to leave your comfort zone and let your desire lead the way. Pledge to be kinder to your body from now on, and embrace the notion that you deserve to have pleasure. Every single human being can be attractive to another.
And don’t worry about potential partners’ negative views about your long-term celibacy: you don’t have to tell them, but even if you do, many men will not believe you, some will simply assume you have high standards.
