Chat with Sis Noe…My husband only wants sex when he is drunk

by Sunday News Online | Sunday, Jun 17, 2018 | 1285 views

drunk sex

Hi Sis Noe
MY problem is that my wife snores a lot and her snoring is so loud that even the neighbours hear it and complain that she disturbs their night sleep. — Help me.

Has she always been a loud snorer or this is something that started recently? If it’s a recent thing she may have developed allergies, causing some inflammation in her throat or nose, forcing her to breathe heavily through her mouth. It maybe that she is not sleeping well, her position in bed especially the way her head lies on the pillow may lead to snoring. She must change the way she sleeps if that’s the cause, if she has tried changing positions then it might be that your mattress is old and needs to be replaced.

An old mattress could be “forcing” her into certain positions that exacerbate the snoring. Snoring is a serious medical condition that can lead to serious harm, as well as social problems with one’s significant other. It can also affect one’s work because snoring is tiring. I don’t know whether you are telling the truth about the snoring being so loud that the neighbours hear it, if you are then we have a serious problem. I hope the snoring is not destroying your marriage and I hope your love for her is not going down.

There are many procedures that can treat snoring; it all depends on the patient and their specific problems. To some degree or another we all at times snore. Factors that will lead to occasional snoring include use of medications that induce relaxation of muscles (such as sleep aids), alcohol consumption especially right before bed (the most common culprit), and allergies and colds. While there certainly can be many causes for mild or intermittent snoring, when that snoring can be described as “habitual”, along with potentially acting as a “social issue” (to those around the snorer), it may also be a sign of the more serious medical condition of sleep apnea. As habitual (nightly) snoring is a true medical problem, a comprehensive examination can identify the causes of the problem and determine what options are appropriate for treatment.

The most common causes of habitual snoring are simple anatomic abnormalities leading to partial obstruction. The most common sites for this are the roof of the mouth including the palate, uvula, and tonsils; the throat; and the nose. Another two possible sites of obstruction that may contribute to snoring and should be evaluated are the base of the tongue (which can become enlarged and impede airflow) and the nose. In the nose, a crooked or deviated septum (the bone and cartilage wall which divides the nose internally) may cause obstruction. In addition, common structures that protrude from the lateral wall known as turbinates can become chronically enlarged and block airflow.

Weight gain can also amplify an existing anatomical problem that before caused only mild and unobservable obstruction. Most of the above-mentioned conditions are persistent and will continue to worsen with age. If snoring is habitual, full evaluation by a physician is necessary. This examination may include a full sleep study to determine causes and if sleep apnea is present. Once a diagnosis is completed, treatment may include eliminating outside factors that may be factors including such possible recommendations as weight loss, the avoidance of alcohol or other medications, or treatment of nasal congestion with medications and/or nasal dilating strips. These efforts, however, are rarely successful in patients with a significant level of snoring in which case a variety of options such as surgery can be explored.

Hi Sis Noe
I am a married woman, my problem is that my husband only wants sex when he is drunk. When he is sober he just does it to fulfil his duty. He tells me that he has no feelings for me and suspects that I cheat on him but I never cheated. What can I do? — Worried.

That is a serious problem you have there and to me it’s a sign that he is cheating. The fire has died and he only sleeps with you because it’s a chore that he feels he should fulfil. When sex becomes a chore alarm bells should ring loud and you should bring out the fire-fighting spirit in you to save your marriage. I don’t know what got you to this point but you know it and that’s where you should start. I am sure he is getting drunk to escape reality and he might be accusing you of cheating because of something you did. Whatever it is that is where you should begin the road to redemption. He is your husband and he is still sleeping with you. That means the marriage can be salvaged but it will require you to put your energy to it. If you have stopped fixing your hair start fixing it. If you have stopped using makeup start using it. If you have stopped shopping for new clothes, start shopping. Return to your former self, make him want you, make him desire you. But this is just one strategy you can use to save your marriage. The best strategy is communication — ask him why he is doing that. Ask him what you did wrong and ask him what he hates about you these days. You should be forthright with each other. Let him tell you the truth even if it will hurt, it is only with facts that you can find a cure. Every solution to a problem with a question — ask him.

Hi Sis Noe
I am 31 and married to a 34-year-old man. I am worried that he is cheating on me because he delays coming when we are in bed. But I have not found out anything in his phone for evidence. Please help me. I am worried. — Worried.

That is a serious accusation to make. It’s not a given that when a man ejaculates late he is cheating, some men, after years of sex, ejaculate late when they sleep with their wives. This is because he is now so used to you, the adrenalin has gone down.

This happens especially when your sex life is predictable. For example if you do the same positions every time you have sex, the excitement is bound to go down. It might be that he has learnt to control his ejaculate and only climaxes after you have climaxed. If I was you I would stop suspecting and mistrusting my husband. You risk ruining your marriage. And stop worrying. Enjoy the sex because some women out there wish for a man like yours who does not ejaculate early.

Hi Sis Noe
I am 38 and he is 47. He is not good in bed as he was before. We only have one round a night even when we go for three days without having it. What can I do to solve this problem? — Starving.

My advice to you is that don’t focus on sex if you want to have that old time sex with your husband — though it will be hard to avoid — focusing on sex is the worst response that many women make. Don’t buy naughty clothes, don’t try to seduce him.

Sex is just the symptom of a bigger problem. Many women try to fix the bedroom when it’s often not the cause of the dip.

Whether you have sex once a week or you are now into forced celibacy, if it bothers you, the best start is to tell him. Ask if there is anything he wants to talk about and tell him you crave the sex — tell him that you are frightened. You will find that he is also frightened because he knows that he does not feel like he used too and he is not performing like he used to. The more he worries the harder it is for him to perform. It’s helpful to find out whether something physically wrong with him or not. Lack of sex or mismatched sex drives is not what make couples part. Some marriages are based on companionship and respect, not passion and sex, and work well. What really undermines a relationship is when you won’t talk about it, so there is no understanding and you end up hating each other. You can only find a solution to this problem by talking to your husband.

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