The Sunday News
DEALING with a heartbreak can be emotionally draining and I have vowed never to be there again because I do not see myself nursing a heartbreak and going though all the crazy things that come with it. This week on Hearts on fire someone shared how they thought a church alter call could heal their hearts.
Yes we have all been there and if you haven’t do not worry you will get there and get through it and best believe some crazy stuff will help you get through it. This is your time to share and maybe reach out to other people battling with a heartbreak. Email your story straight from the heart to [email protected] and I will share it with our readers.
“Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall,
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put humpty dumpty together again. . .”
Finally this makes sense to me and it is all thanks to you. All my life I never made sense of this nursery rhyme that I sang along to with my high-pitched voice until the day you ripped my heart apart, that is when I put head and tail to it.
I felt as though I was dreaming till today I question myself and cannot believe that you broke my heart and the pieces remain scattered. As I open up and share my heartbreak I feel as though I need to write this in a way that talks to you because I have never had a chance to tell you how I felt when you ripped my heart apart and fed it to the dogs. Guess what, you not only broke my heart into small pieces but you also stepped on it so many times, crushing those small pieces to dust . . . dust that is easily blown by the wind to whatever direction the wind blows. Now tell me who will put this dust back together? Because I cannot even begin to bring the dust back together.
A dear friend recently told me that a heartbreak knows no strong woman. Believe me this is true. I never used to cry. I was hardly ever emotional and I had earned the tease “emotionally constipated.” My friends used to envy me. I had the ability to break up with any guy and not look back and now you have robbed me of that.
I loved the strong woman I had become because I had fought so hard to become her. But now when I sit in silence I find myself calling your name. I even murmur it in public places. The strong woman broke the day you gave me this unwanted independence and it dawned to me you were gone for good.
Ooh how I wish, how I yearn, how I long for a phone call or message from you telling me you miss me. Asking how I am doing. At least that way I can walk with my head held high knowing that my efforts to please you were not in vain because that is what kills me, I lost myself in an effort to make it work for us.
A part of me was lost in a bid to make you happy, it has been months but I still ask myself what I did wrong, I wonder where I missed it. I bent myself over and backwards for you. I changed my style of dressing; I even lost who I was just to make you happy. I recreated a new me I thought was what you wanted in me, but I was wrong because that never kept you by my side, you still chose to wonder off. You see, every time I said I love you, I meant it. I said it, not as an inquiry or question or to hear you say it back but I meant every word I said to you and I invested all my emotions in making us work and that is what kills me because it hurts to love someone so much only for them to drop you like a hot potato.
All I wanted was to spend my life with you, loving and pampering you. Not even once in our time together did I envision me hurting so much, I never saw it coming, I just never thought I could find myself nursing a heartbreak because I thought our love was taking us to the altar and I gave up my all just to be with you. I do not regret meeting you and neither do I regret the time we spent together though all this left me bankrupt in terms of emotions nothing can ever hurt beyond this.
In all this roller coaster of emotions I have a scar that is deep inside me and no one knows it or feels it but me and it hurts beyond measure. One Sunday I went to church and I was missing you so badly. It was the first time in years I had gone to church without sending you a selfie just to hear you say how gorgeous I am and reaffirm me of what I already know. All throughout worship I was crying and wailing.
I know people thought I was filled with the Holy Spirit and that is exactly what I wanted because sometimes one needs to cry it all out and I have not had an appropriate place or time to let my tears out because I did not want a random moment that would leave people shocked and book me into 23rd Avenue. My heart was in pain. I had an ache inside me that I could not restrain. When the pastor invited congregants who needed a break-though to come forward and be prayed for I literally ran to the front.
I was hoping that I will forget you or maybe that my heart will miraculously heal. It is true when they say ukuhlanya akuqoqodi. There I was ngihlanyiswa yi-heartbreak I literally find myself at altar calls hoping for a miraculous healing of my heartbreak.
I know I do not need anyone to lay their hands on me for my heart to heal but I still find myself waiting for the man of God to lay their hands on me and take this heartbreak away even though I know the call is for those that are not well in their bodies, I still find myself responding to the call. My desire is for my heart to heal because the pain is unbearable and I long to have my life back and move on so I can get to a different level in my life. Every tiny pain I feel right now links to my heart.
I have found myself a new hobby, I read a lot of books and I have read about 50 since you left me, my new found love is the romantic novel because I keep hoping to find you again because I wanted you to be my forever after. I also developed stalking tendencies and just after our break up I checked your Facebook and WhatsApp daily just to keep you on check and for sometime it became part of my daily bread. Somehow I needed to know how you were doing, what you were doing and who you were doing it with. Somewhere deep down in the inside of me, I hoped you were miserable without me.
I religiously checked to see who liked your posts. I am even shy to admit that I checked up on all the girls who were your friends. I wanted to see who had taken my place or who had the potential to. Whenever you were online on WhatsApp I would sometimes call you intentionally then claim it was by mistake just to initiate a conversation with you.
You know funny enough through all that I had a cheerleader on the sidelines. He watched patiently as you toyed with my heart. As you held it with anger and squeezed the life, love and hope out of it. He reminded me of my worth even as my heart lay at your mercy in a chaotic mass. He listened as I cursed you and the ground you walk on.
He listened when I tried to justify your behaviour blaming it on your unfortunate upbringing. But now I do not even know if he is still there after all this time I dedicated to mourning and moping over you. As the famous quote by W.E.B Du Bois goes “In this world there is no force equal to a woman determined to rise”. So yes, some days it still hurts but I will rise. This dust will come together again and these dry bones shall live again . . .
Till next week let us keep sharing our heartbreaks email [email protected] and I will share your stories till then.
