Fighting fire with fire

by Sunday News Online | Sunday, Jul 8, 2018 | 515 views

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TALK of being taught to be a cheater and a liar by your own partner!

Some people turned from being saints to serial heartbreakers because they were disappointed at some point in their love life and decided to revenge. In getting back at their partners, they joined the game of cheating and telling lies.

Now the question, does it really solve anything to fight fire with fire? No!

When you discover that your partner has been cheating on you, it’s naturally understandable that you feel betrayed, hurt, angry at yourself and your partner. You also feel the combination of being embarrassed, ashamed and confused. Most of the times you are the last person to know what is happening behind your back and if not careful, the thought of this makes you start having low self-esteem.

Now to boost your self-esteem, you want to prove a point to your partner and the cheating route will be the easy one. On the other hand, the one who would have been caught on the wrong side will be thinking that if he/ she apologises and promises to never do it again, their mate will immediately forgive them. However, apologies are just not enough to heal this type of deep relationship rupture.

The desire to make the other party “pay” for his/ her actions come to be on top of the list in your mind. Most people when heartbroken fail to think straight and vengeance gets to be in control. The minute you decide to revenge, you are getting offside because you are also lowering yourself to his/ her level, trying to be like him/ her, fighting fire with fire. Revenge is primal. It is the quest for vigilante justice — a desire to make that oppressive jerk choke on some of the humiliation for once.

You better concentrate on getting healed and picking up the broken pieces. Remember that if cheating is not your game, you will be caught and if luckily you manage to get away with it, you will never know happiness as a guilty conscience will be haunting you, worse when you become intimate with that person, you not enjoy but feel “dirty”.

The concept of ‘‘teaching a lesson’’ with vengeance is not always ideal. It is better to completely cut him/ her out of your life if you cannot forgive him/ her than to start cheating.  Never change your life in any way to get back at him/ her or make him/ her feel bad. Doing that is still being connected to them, showing that you care. And it won’t really hurt them anyway. If he/ she really cared about you, he/ she wouldn’t have lied and cheated in the first place.

Luckily, there are certain steps you can take to get your message across to your partner without threatening the stability of your relationship. It’s no myth that open communication is the key to any relationship’s survival, so discuss your frustrations with your partner, but do so in the most calm and logical way possible. Try your best not to yell, scold or demean him or her.

Getting angry or reactive is not only going to cause him to get defensive, but can make your point feel invalid in his eyes.

Of course you should not pretend, but pour out your heart and tell your partner how hurtful and disappointed you are following their actions. It might seem inconsequential to them, but it matters to you — and if you matter to them, they will hopefully hear you out. Keep it simple and straightforward, the minute you talk as if you are in a rally or lecture room, he might not get the important points.

On the other hand, give it time and follow up on the conversation on a later date. Chances are, your partner’s not going to halt his or her bad habits at the drop of a dime. It takes time for behaviors to change. It might stink, but stay strong.

Revenge with cheating will never come close to fixing the problem at hand. Keep that in mind. Cheaters are really good at not taking responsibility. They always wait for an opportunity to pin the blame on someone else, so if you join the game of cheating, it will one day appear as if you started it and he just joined the wagon. But when you step out of the triangle of dysfunction, it becomes clear who they really are without being able to shift blame!

Finally, the best revenge is massive success. Go and be awesome. You will enjoy that in its own right and it will get back to the cheater. It will eat at their guts as they notice that even a heartbreak failed to take away your happiness and success.
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