The Sunday News
Fruitful relationships with Pastor Kilton Moyo
At any given point in the life of a couple there will be some disputes and quarrels. Many of us couples struggle with handling these and end up being violent and destructive.
There is need, particularly in this dispensation where many people are haunted by many challenges, to learn as a couple how to handle these so that you can remain united after a dispute. You are playing into the hands of the devil when your disputes end up in the media or with divorce or any harm.
In most cases one reason why couples fail to solve their issues is selfishness and the desire to be always right and prove the other person wrong. With this kind of attitude you are bound to lose it and never come to an agreement. You are bound to kick peace out of your union. I am going to try here to suggest a few things we can do to handle our disputes in a manner that dignifies humanity and builds love and our marriages.
When your spouse raises their voice at you over an issue do not hit back with a raised voice. Raising your voice too adds fuel to a burning fire. Your role and desire should be to calm your spouse so you can reason together. The challenge is that we all get into this shouting mode and we want to prove we can do it also. I am not being naughty but imagine when you also shout, it’s like two fools now facing off. The result will be disastrous.
Remain silent. It is not foolishness to remain silent. It is a wise way of controlling rage in the family. Stop trying to explain when you see your spouse is not listening to you. I would rather have you go out or sit down and hold your peace until they calm down. I would rather have you come close to your shouting spouse particularly if it is the wife, and give them a hug. Hear me, it works. Hug and say nothing but if you would want to say something assure them of your love and commitment to them. This can only be done if you really want to build.
Apologise. Stop justifying yourself and say ‘sorry’ for the sake of peace. Sometimes there is need to say ‘sorry’ even if you did not do anything wrong. Peace builders will always climb down and accept to be misunderstood. There is too much self –justification in many disputes and this is not healthy. I am not being one sided but, in most cases men have a challenge in this. They feel apologising to their wives is a sign of weakness. I want you to hear me well here.
This is your wife and not just any woman. She is your wife. You will have to say sorry to her if you are a home builder. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable to your wife. My brothers that is power if you did not know. Climb down and swallow this man ego and build. A peaceful man will climb down and do anything for peace in the home.
Do not prove anything but be humble. Remember this always that your spouse is not your enemy. In your dispute, keep this in mind. Remember your spouse is your lover and not your accuser. Keep this in mind too.
You do not want to run down your lover, do you? If you are a man, and the tears of pain from your wife do not trouble your heart, you have lost it. Her tears of pain and anger and horror must appeal to your inner most heart and draw out your deepest compassion and love and draw your heart to her. I can assure you that in that case you will come closer and cool her down. This might sound strange but it is true that when your wife is spitting fire in her anger, you come closer to her and embrace her and the fire will turn from cursing words to sobs and comfort later.
Be patient and not be quick-tempered. Some of us suffer from this very bad attitude. Before we know it we have caused strife with our uncontrolled tempers. If it’s you, you need to seek help soonest. Proverbs 14:29 says that “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick –tempered man displays folly.” When you lose your temper every time in a dispute you are displaying foolishness. I imagine how many of us in our marriages display folly each time there is a dispute. Do you know when you are unable to control your temper; everything annoys you even when there is nothing. I pray for patience in marriage today. Patience is the fruit of the Holy Spirit and we cannot get it anywhere else except by the Holy Spirit. There is need to embrace the Holy Spirit in marriages.
The Bible teaches that a house is built by wisdom and understanding and knowledge. Proverbs 16:23 says “the heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds learning to his lips.” It is important for couples to do their best in getting wisdom which will teach their mouths and add value to their words.
The most destructive thing in marriage is words, words of anger and denigration by your spouse. These are the cruelest words, the unkindest of them all. With wisdom, we will know when to shut our mouths to promote peace and life. We need to dwell with each other in great understanding.
If there is anything we can do as couples, it is to handle disputes with respect of each other so that at the end of it, we are still in love and in peace. If you cannot do this, I will suggest you seek help for the sake of your family and yourself.
Disputes are never meant to destroy us. Make this your golden rule: Never accuse your spouse. The devil accuses people and not you.
- Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment program and is pastor, counselor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or whatsap on +263775337207, +263772610103 or +263712384841. [email protected]
