What do you want to do, there is no toilet here

Vhakololo navhasiwana ndimatsheloni avhudi. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry I was not able to give you your usual instalment of the rabble-rouser last week. I did not know that a lot of royalty follow this column.
Linonifulu attended last Thursday’s Zimbabwe Republic Police pass out parade at Ntabazinduna officiated by Vice-President Mujuru. To his surprise, Co-Home Affairs Minister Kembo Mohadi and Matabeleland North Governor Thokozile Mathuthu said they followed this column religiously every week and I was flattered. For the benefit of people reading this column for the first time, my name is Linonifulu linamalumbulela, a scribe of the old school. I come from Beitbridge west. My business is to tackle those issues many do not want talked about. To offend some people through rousing the rabble.
I make no apologies, hate me or love me. My  freedom to write what I want was paid for  through the blood of my many relatives who sacrificed their lives to allow me to seat in this  black chair in a free and independent Zimbabwe. Like the biblical Jesus Christ whose  blood Christians believe washed their sins, I,  linonifulu was liberated through the blood of those that perished. I make no apology to anyone.

Dirty, torn money, whose money is this anywhere?
Fellow countrymen and women, someone help me, I am a troubled soul. Every payday I go to a bank, withdraw dirty US dollar notes,  some times I am lucky to get new dollar notes  like I did on Friday last week when I got clean 50 US dollars notes. Then I had to go to the nearest shop where I am given those notoriously dirty ONE DOLLAR NOTES as change. After  knocking off from work I return to the same shop that gave me the dirty and torn dollar notes, an hour earlier this time to buy some drinks for my sons Azwindini  and Muraga and  this woman till operator demands clean and new money from me to pay for my children’s ezimnandi. All parents know that they need passports to return home after work to deal with those siphathelenis.
Ladies and gentlemen, what I am saying is not  fiction, this is real. I know that a million of Zimbabweans are being harassed because of these dirty notes that they did not soil. They are being asked to answer questions about notes  that they did not print. Last Wednesday I  Linonifulu Linamalumbulela almost lost my  composure, I almost blew my top but remembered that as a member of the royal family I had to keep my cool.
I went to a shop that calls itself green something, I suspect that this is because of the huge cabbages that they sell. This is the shop close to my workplace and I always buy from there. So all the dirty money that I have in my pocket I got from this shop.
After picking my groceries I proceeded to the till to pay, listen to what the till operator said: “Baba give me another one dollar note. This one is torn and dirty. No, look I cannot help you. I am not the one who gave you that torn note. I am only following mutemo webasa”.