The Sunday News
Busie Mtshede
BECAUSE I am a woman, I have got fears, fear for myself, fears for my loved ones, fears for my future and the fear of being misunderstood.
The most common fear I believe everyone can relate to is the fear of the unknown. What might come, what the future holds, what’s out there, the uncertainties and ever-changing situations of life.
We are products of a lifetime of gendered social messages that tell us that every woman needs a man and that to not have one, even for a moment, is a failure at womanhood. I have always believed that one of my callings is to be an independent singleton but of late I see that God has a different plan for me, I am thankful though that listening to inspiring talks and stories about marriage inspires me to live an awesome life free of fear, knowing that God has better plans for me.
I got a Whatsapp message from a 35-year–old lady who is single and frustrated and feels life is not worth living because she has achieved too little for someone her age. Being a woman as I always say is a very difficult job, she is depressed because even her family is not being a pillar of support. Talking to this woman made me realise that we can never run from society’s expectations because their dip stick is always above our heads as certain expectations are linked to our aging curve.
It’s an age-old fear that stems from societal pressures and expectations that have been present for generations, and it may even have wider application now that the number of single women has increased. So what’s a girl to do? You can’t queue for a husband on demand or change the way you are viewed by other members of society, I mean finding the right partner is not walking into a shop and paying for what you like depending on the price tag or sense of style, its way more demanding than that. You may feel like you’re in the pits right now, you’ve had some bad breaks, but that’s not the end of your story. You were destined to live a victorious life.
Being a single woman over 30 is often summed up in two words, borderline insanity! Then the next thing you are fearful that you are running out of time to find The One. You are angry that you are being denied something you feel entitled to. You are envious of friends who are living the life you so badly desire. You are embarrassed by what you perceive as an epic failure. You’re uncomfortable in your own skin because of the way other people judge your single status. And you are tired of sitting in limbo, impatiently waiting for your fate to be determined. It is a popular belief that if a woman attains a certain age without being married, something must be tragically wrong with her.
She must have bad luck, or she is incapable of conceiving children or her great grandmother cursed her to never get married. These are some of the assumptions spread about women who prefer not to get married. As bizarre as the rumours may sound, many a large number take them to be true and the same statements are repeated again and again until they become reasons. But who among us is without a flaw, married or not? I thought so too! So stop pointing fingers at single women and cooking up all kinds of ugly stereotypes about them.
Our culture has deep roots in the idea of coupling, so for thousands of years, we believed these ideas about single women being lost, alone, unhappy, sad, and even dumb and ugly are true. Even in our recent economic situation, our current system has been facilitated almost entirely by marriage where a woman’s worth is only seen through her getting hitched.
When I decided to ask single women for their opinions on the subject, I expected a tide of misery, a flock of weepy thirty somethings lamenting their unwanted status. Instead, perhaps unsurprisingly, I found women who were single and doing just fine, thank you very much. Women told me they weren’t really worrying about relationships, they didn’t believe in marriage, and that overall they were pretty content with their lot in life. So there you have it, married or single, thirty or forty you still are a beautiful woman so be content! Do not let society bully you to think otherwise. If you do get married then good for you but if you are single then good for you, make the most of your time and enjoy your life.
Feedback from Last week:
Hi Busie, I was shy to be seen reading your column because I thought it was meant for women. Thank you for your educative column. — Eric, Beitbridge, 0772571850.
I have been ignorant to your column because I was thinking well I am not a woman. I just read your column on sensitivity and I think telling a woman about her being sensitive is an excuse given in our society. Nice article Busie. — 07710131035.
Hey sister, I have learnt a lot from your articles keep up the good work. — Stha 0713375089.
Till next week let’s keep talking 0773089395.
