The Sunday News
Thandekile Moyo
A FRIEND of mine called me in tears some time ago. She claimed her husband no longer had time for her and she was convinced he was cheating on her with someone else.
She talked about how he was always taking trips out of town claiming it was for work and how on the days he was in town; he went home late. His excuse would always be either he was at the bar drinking or he was out with his friends somewhere. This woman was at her wit’s ends.
She was extremely unhappy and her health was fast deteriorating. If she wasn’t having a migraine she was suffering from chest pains or she would just spend weeks lying in bed saying she was exhausted.
Her life revolved around her husband. So much such that I was no longer sure if this woman loved her husband or she was obsessed with him. There is a very thin line between love and obsession. I believe her feelings for the man had crossed over to obsession. She spent all her energy on investigating him and talking about him. It was quite pathetic to watch.
I remember suggesting to her to get a job or start a business. Just something to take her mind off her rocky marriage. She then narrated something disturbing to me.
She said she was an accountant by profession and had a wonderful job when she first met her husband. She says she had a car and could take care of her needs but when she got married, they decided or rather he convinced her to sell her car and her furniture so they could start their home together. After some time, he asked her to quit her job and she agreed. He claimed he was making enough to support the family and wanted his woman to stay at home and raise the children.
Her story is that slowly but surely, she became entirely dependent on the man. He decided how much to give her and when.
He controlled all her movements. She says at first it was cute as he would shuttle her to and from her relatives and friends’ homes and on occasion they would go shopping together. She says he started complaining about having to take her places and because they had one car she had to limit her visits. He did not want her using public transport. As time went on, he became busier at work so the shopping trips also came to an abrupt end. He would buy all their groceries and clothes.
This man had so effectively ostracised her from the outside world that it became difficult for even us, her close friends, to check on her. There was always one story or another about her phones. One time you would hear her phone is broken.
Another time you would call her and her husband would answer the phone claiming they had exchanged cellphones. It is no wonder then that she became obsessed with him.
I know many women who are obsessed with their husbands and not all of them are victims of abuse. Some are just genuinely bored or unoccupied and all they can do is nag their husbands. They are so preoccupied with their husbands’ movements that these men have to explain their every move like little children to their mothers. Some of these women are employed so what excuse do they have?
This observation has led me to the conclusion that most women do not have “lives” of their own. We live our lives for our men, through our men and by our men. If we had lives of our own, if we lived our own lives this world would be a happier place.
The reason why we sometimes fail to live our best lives is because of restrictions imposed on us by society.
Where men are “allowed” to relax after work either by watching football or having drinks at the bar a woman is not allowed the same liberties. Men can join a soccer team and be at soccer practice till seven pm without anyone raising an eyebrow but try walking into the house at seven and telling the husband you were playing netball at the sports club, most men would not be able to stomach it. There are men who let their wives go out with their friends and there are some who totally refuse to entertain the idea of their wives having friends.
This problem is so deeply entrenched in our societies that men do not have to forbid us from engaging in these activities but as women, we are raised to live for others. We are raised to take care of our husbands, children, parents and in-laws so we sometimes do not even think of doing things to please ourselves. To take care of our emotional health. To entertain ourselves.
Growing up we would be told girls must be home by five o’clock but our brothers could get home at whatever time. Sometimes girls would fail to participate in sports because our parents felt we should not be allowed to get home late or to travel out of town. This was done for two reasons. To protect us from predators and also to ensure we were home in time to do household chores. We would be at home cooking while our brothers were out there having fun.
This may have been good for raising “well behaved”, “cultured” women but is it the right recipe for raising wholesome women? People with hobbies tend to be happier than people who focus on work and chores only. Our society needs to graduate to one where women can engage in hobbies and entertainment without being frowned upon.
The same feeling that drives a man to a bar after work is experienced by women but we are expected to suppress it and head straight home after a long day at work; to our crying and demanding children. While our husbands watch soccer with their friends to unwind we are forced to kick off our high heels and start cooking and helping kids with homework. When our men head off to the nearest rural growth points to braai over the weekend what else can we do besides watch the time and await their return?
Women are accused of nagging but can we be blamed if you have put us in a situation where you are our only source of fun.
We nag men about not spending enough time at home. We harass them over not taking us out with them. We do this because when they raised us to be “good wives” they neglected to tell us that your lives would not revolve around us. Meaning we are totally unequipped to deal with your absence.
I have no proof that my friend’s husband was cheating or whether he was the abusive brute she paints him out to be. I realise though that she has no skills to cope with whatever it is that is going on in her life.
It is high time we raise girls to be independent. By independent we don’t mean that they should not fall in love, that they should not take care of their husbands, that they should not take care of their children, no. By independent I mean let us raise them to be able to entertain themselves. Let us raise women who do not place the burden of their happiness on their men’s shoulders.
Happy, wholesome women who are able to tell the difference between love and abuse. Women who can cope when their husbands neglect them. And especially, women who won’t fall apart when their husbands live their lives. Women who love their husbands, versus women obsessed with their men.
