Life after cheating

12 Apr, 2015 - 00:04 0 Views

The Sunday News

THE union in marriage of two members of the opposite sex is a tradition that has been around since men were living in caves or the Garden of Eden and so have extra-marital affairs. Since almost the beginning of time, humans have believed that marriage was important in maintaining a solid, healthy society.
Another belief that was collectively held about marriage was the idea that the union was to be monogamous but despite this belief, some human beings cannot seem to live a monogamous lifestyle which is quite sad but true.

Some say that monogamous relationships are not natural or even normal because they believe human beings can never be faithful and stick to one partner.

My argument last week was if one out of a thousand can be faithful to their vows what then stops everyone else? Infact, monogamy in marriages is possible. It is just that people have told themselves that they can never be faithful for reasons best known to them. I say that because for every person who has had an affair there is probably a reason to justify it, and who am I to judge.

This week the big question is how will you respond to being cheated on? Are you going to stay and fight for your marriage or are you going to walk out? The answer might help you move on, hopefully in a way that does not make an already bad situation worse.

You may feel the need to call a girls only party if you are a woman and ask for advice and best believe me the answers you will get from there are toxic because some of us are good at giving advice yet we are not married for obvious reasons.

This is understandable, especially if you are lonely and you need to portray a certain picture which in most cases is different from what you are going to do. When one partner goes outside of the relationship for emotional or physical needs, the other partner may end the relationship, or forgive and stay in it, but either way, extra-marital affairs have major effects that can be felt for some time.

In general, society looks at the other person as being the responsible party in an affair but it is understandable that the person becomes the target for the rage. That is why in so many cases the cheated usually goes after the other person before they confront their spouse. I think blaming the other man/other woman keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it had not been for that other person there would have never been an affair.

Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different person. He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is a distraction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems. An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings.

You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience most affairs go down in flames. Your spouse may see this new person as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family and marital problems.

In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with the marriage are the same, the only difference is that the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed were the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other man/other woman you can bet, with time reality will hit hard.

When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Do not allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self-loathing and anxiety.

Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies. Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge . . . in a manner that helps you heal instead of causing you more pain.
After all has been said and done — cheating has come and gone, I just thought that some of these things in marriages can be avoided.

Well my opinion is that we set our expectations of what marriage is too high and when our expectations are not met we look outside the marriage for someone who can meet them, well that is my thinking.

Sadly human beings make mistakes, we are deserving of second chances. Working together as a couple to fix the problem could mean ending up with a stronger bond and better marriage than you had before the infidelity.

One of the keys to your marriage surviving infidelity is forgiveness because forgiveness is earned and your spouse has to be willing to work at earning that forgiveness and restoring the trust you have lost in them.

Let’s keep talking [email protected]. Next week we are talking cellphones and marriages.

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