Look out for the red flags in marriage

25 Sep, 2016 - 00:09 0 Views
Look out for the red flags in marriage

The Sunday News

wedding rings

Busie Mtshede

MARRIAGE is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent and make vows they should and must stick to. It is the joining of two people in a bond that is supposed to last until death, hence the “till death do us apart” but in practice and reality most people do not exactly understand the vows they make on their big day.

Marriage comes with a lot of changes in people and some are for the best yet some are for the worst and sadly in some cases you begin to see someone in a different light compared to the time you shared when you were still dating. A lot happens in a marriage; personalities change, bodies age, and romantic love also changes, it’s hardly the same every day and I am no expert but I think no marriage is free of conflict.

When I hear the word happily married, it evokes many things inside of me. From an emotional standpoint, I think of blissful laughter, smiling, and companionship. From a physical perspective I think of health and good choices and from a spiritual perspective I think of peace and complete joy.

Every person who goes into marriage enters it in the hope of having a joyful and lasting marriage, I doubt anyone goes into marriage with the intention to divorce.

However, there are some unforeseen and unpleasant situations that come with marriage and as people we handle these in different ways. Sadly, when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ‘‘more’’ by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship.

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behaviour, or via non-verbal actions of their unhappiness. If you are the other partner that is madly and deeply in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in most situations and you try hard to find justification for the other person’s behaviour or actions.

Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received. There are a lot of people who feel unhappy in their marriages and sometimes feel marriages brings more heartbreaks than anything pleasant.

This week our column is on a woman who feels marriage caused her more harm than good as it was the main source of her heartbreak.

“Marriage did not break you, you just held on too long, all you had to do was to be more loyal to your intuition than an inconsistent man. You knew he was inconsistent”. I remember these words from my sister as I hung up the phone. I was in so much pain, my heart was in flames and I was burning from the inside. I needed someone to talk to, someone to help me put out the fire. I felt and still feel that marriage broke my heart into so many pieces. There is no way I can be able to put them back together again.

I married my “sweetheart”, the love of my life and he had promised me nothing but happiness and an unending happily ever after. He sold me dreams and I fell for every word he said though I had seen his inconsistent behaviour when we were still dating, I still chose to marry him and be with him, waking up to him every day of my life.

He used to tell me I was the most beautiful and attractive woman in the world but I figured that no matter how beautiful, giving, curvaceous, affectionate, supportive, self-sufficient and educated a woman is they are not immune to a heartbreak.

Some men know how to get what they want, they will act interested in building a life with you and they will actually build you up, then snatch the world from under your feet. Trust me, it’s a fact.

I can only remember one promise that I have held onto growing up that one day, I would meet a man who would see me for who I am and love me wholeheartedly for it and I was convinced that I had met that man and so marrying him was a bonus. It was what I wanted and I loved him with my all.

Our honeymoon phase was bliss, he showed me places and made me feel loved until he just started changing with every second we spent together. I started seeing him in a different light and he would say things that I could not understand and sometimes apologise or choose to act as if nothing was ever said.

Then he began breaking my heart and he would not stop. Each wound tore a little deeper into that precious dream life I had built in my head, he ripped into the wrapped innermost chambers of my heart.

He would flirt with other women, sometimes while I was right beside him in my full view, he did not care where we were; in the salon, supermarkets, in church or town, just anywhere and he had a way with words so he charmed these ladies and I do not blame them because I fell for that too.

Each time I confronted him when we were alone he would not even be sorry or at least try to deny it. He would bluntly tell me I do not look as good anymore and he left my self-esteem and dignity in pieces. This man had been given access to parts of my soul that no one else knew, and with every betrayal he told me that who I was, was simply not good enough anymore.

He would sometimes bring his phone calls and conversations into our bedroom and act as though I was invisible and I turned on him with vengeance. I felt vulnerable, exposed, and desperate to protect myself.

We threw hurtful words intended to devastate the other each time we had a fight and at some point it was on a daily basis and I allowed bitterness to harden my heart, turning me into someone (cruel, violent) I could no longer recognise.

I would phone numbers I found in his phone, I became a street fighter and would fight these other women — I was just a mess and the talk of town and those that know my story already know who I am because I was banned from churches and I caused scenes in countless salons and shopping centres where I fought with a woman, ripped her hair off and threw it into a bin in full view of onlookers.

I appreciated the darkness and the pain, believing that it was what I deserved. I did not realise till now how tiring it had been to hold on so tightly to that promise and vows I had made, always afraid that I might lose it or have it broken, choosing not to see that it was non-existent.

I felt I had to stay and fight until I sobered up and decided to leave my toxic marriage with the little dignity I still had. People tried to get me to leave him but I would not, imagine trying to save someone who you love from a fire, but they will not escape, you say go, they stay. You say leave, they remain. The flames are growing so rapidly so much that you would push them, pull them and say anything to get them to leave but they hold on. That is how I was. I guess I needed to let go at my own time.

I lost my pride, strength, self-esteem, dignity and my heart was broken. However, I am glad when the price to pay became too high I left. I still wish things were different but I know one day all this pain will be another memory and the thought of him will not hurt so bad.

Getting through a break up is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier. Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us.

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