My wife is boring in bed.

Hi Sis Noe
I GOT married a month ago. The problem is that my wife is boring in bed. She doesn’t move, she just lies there like a log and doesn’t make any noise. I love oral sex and I do her but she doesn’t do me. I am thinking of leaving her. — Bored.

Reply
You need to ask yourself, “Is this woman prude, boring or just a rookie?” Being a prude means she is unwilling to partake in what she believes is beneath or unfitting of her. Bores are exactly that — she will just lie there in the starfish formation, emitting the occasional groan to indicate the existence of life, while the guy does all the heavy lifting. Getting her to be active is out of the question. Reciprocal affection and pleasing is not their specialty. Finally, the most promising and possibly the most applicable of the three — she is a rookie. This really boils down to lack of experience, not quite knowing what you want or how to do things and a general feeling of self-consciousness, hence the lost looks when you suggest something. Which one can you slot your wife into? Don’t jump to conclusions, it is not always obvious. The first two are character traits, being a rookie is only an experience issue. You say she just goes quiet, that tells me she is a rookie — I am guessing here. Guys often make the mistake of assuming hot looks equals hot in the sack, which often fails to materialise. You seem to have forgotten it was not too long ago when you were fumbling around desperately trying to undo bra clasps. Give your wife a break; you need more patience and a guiding hand to graduate her from rookie to all-star. Change how you approach this whole thing. I can tell from the tone of your writing, you are pushing too hard and offering too little. More tact is needed. Firstly, both of you should communicate about what you both like; instead of you just trying to make her do what you want. By asking her what she likes, you show that you care, and by letting her know what turns your crank, you have expressed how she holds the ability to titillate and satisfy you. Your efforts to learn what she likes will not go unappreciated. Secondly, you have probably offered her too little, both emotionally and physically. Make her feel sexy, spend more time working her up and getting her into the mood. Don’t just dive in and start fondling her goodies, caress the little lady. She will be much more inclined to do oral if you have done a decent job. Finally, you are probably too heavy handed. Take it slower and alleviate some of her tension. Give her reasons, confidence and desire to upgrade to the next level. As she acclimatises, her willingness to open up, reciprocate and experiment will blossom.

Hi Sis Noe
I’m scared that my boyfriend is going to dump me. He has not said so, but what if he starts to find me boring? Or finds someone new? I can’t help myself but I keep asking him how much he needs me. I know this makes him angry, but I feel so insecure. — Help.

Reply
You have got to calm down or you will be in danger of turning your fears into self-fulfilling prophecies. If you lack any confidence in yourself, how can you expect your beleaguered partner to respect and understand you? He has told you that he loves you and is not planning to go anywhere so don’t insult him by constantly repeating the question.

Hi Sis Noe
My wife wants to start a family as soon as possible. I want children, too, but our love life is now just about conception. She insists on sex when she’s ovulating, but she pushes me away at any other time. My needs and desires, even for just a kiss and a cuddle, seem not to matter anymore. What can I do? — Worried.

Reply
It’s vital that you discuss this matter away from the bedroom. Explain to your wife that you want a family just as much as she does, but you can’t go on like this because it’s soul-destroying. Of course you can make love during her periods of ovulation, but not “on demand”, and not to the exclusion of affection and spontaneity. Ask her to relax and start seeing things from your point of view. Have you been trying for a family without success for a while? If so go to a doctor.

Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend has a temper but blames me for making him angry. He says I mistreat him because I am beautiful but I don’t. He always accuses me of cheating and he has banned my friends from hanging out with me. He also wants me to change the way I dress because he says someone will take me away from him if I am sexy. — Help.

Reply
You have got to get yourself away from this damaged man because you are never going to win in such a toxic relationship. It’s very common for control freaks to blame their victims for their appalling behaviour. The “I blame you” argument is as old as time and totally meaningless. If you feel you have been emotionally or even physically abused, you need to report this man to the police — for your own sake and the sake of any future partners of his. Don’t let him take advantage of you. Dump him and move on.

Hi Sis Noe
My girlfriend is studying in South Africa. We have been together for two years and we visit each other. Now she is telling me that next year when she starts a Masters degree we will have to take a break. I don’t understand. — Hurt.

Reply
Long-distance relationships are not for everyone and clearly your girlfriend believes the start of the New Year heralds a new era. Maybe she is just being realistic. Perhaps she doesn’t believe that what you both have is strong enough to go the distance. Clearly she believes you should embrace the next stage unburdened by emotional baggage. If you feel she is being cold or unfair, speak out so she can understand how you really feel. She owes you an explanation.

Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend plays rugby and has been going to this female neighbour of his for a massage almost every day. I didn’t know about this but one of his friends told me. I suspect that they have sex but he says it’s just a massage. I stay in Harare and I come to Bulawayo on holidays and sometimes weekends. I am scared he is cheating on me. — Cheated.

Reply
Trust is important in a relationship. This could be perfectly innocent — you can’t automatically assume that your man has been having sex with his neighbour. Calmly talk to him again and tell him that you have to know the truth (whatever that is) in order to clear the air and move on. If he has betrayed you, can he tell you why? As for you, is this a relationship breaker or are you prepared to forgive him if he confesses that he cheated on you?

Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend is a dreamer. He wastes so much time fantasising about everything from forming a company to being a businessman and staying in the suburbs. He doesn’t even own a bicycle. He says he is tired of working for someone. I am now bored. — Bored.

Reply
We are all guilty of daydreaming at times and imagine what it would be like to be rich or famous. But these thoughts don’t dominate our lives. We know the difference between fantasy and reality. Maybe if your man spent less time with his head in the clouds and more time doing something about his dreary life, he could feel more fulfilled. Talk to him. Tell him that something has to change and actions speak louder than words. If work is boring, what is he going to do about it? How is he going to make his dreams come true? Offer to support and help him, but make it clear that you have your limits.