The Sunday News
Busie Mtshede
CHILDREN who have been victims of mistreatment can develop emotion regulation problems that affect many areas of their lives. Some can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress, anxiety, and depression throughout life.
Coping and relational skills learned in childhood form the foundation from which future behaviours evolve and are often centred on. The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.
The effects of emotional abuse are often silent. Verbal and psychological wounds leave a child forever changed. Emotional abuse is often overlooked, unnoticed or confused with other causes. Emotional child abuse attacks a child’s self-concept. The child comes to see him or herself as unworthy of love and affection. An infant who is being deprived of emotional nurturing, connection and bonding through close contact, even though physically well cared for, can fail to thrive and most of this has been proven true in psychology.
This week our column is about a young woman who was abused as a child passed from one household to the next to find solace. Her past haunts her and she finds herself struggling to fight her demons as she recalls her upbringing in her aunt’s house.
I recently realised that I have been dealing with the effects of emotional abuse my whole life. I thought that I was past that part of my life, but it will not go away until I really deal with it, well, I hope.
I have never known what love is, I have always felt like an extra in people’s lives. My parents separated when I was very young and my mother lost her mind and was unable to take care of me. From there on I was passed around like unwanted baggage from relative to relative just to get an education.
My heart breaks each time I think of all I have been through in my life. I am grateful for all they did for me but each time I think of the times I was forced into child labour; waking up at the wee hours of the day to clean and being forced to baby sit, cook, clean and look after other kids when I too was a child my heart breaks.
I was never allowed to sit and watch television or even be seen doing nothing. I was forced to sleep on the floor and my aunt had a habit of kicking me when she was waking me up and would shout at me for oversleeping. I had to wake up before 5.00am to clean and prepare for school. I enjoyed and loved going to class because half the time I spent my time sleeping and it is the only time I never had to explain myself to anyone, sadly I was not doing well at school.
I lost my childhood due to my abusive aunt, from as early as I can remember my aunt verbally abused me over every little thing. Every time I sat up to try and catch up with my school work or do my homework, she would scream at me and insult me if something was wrong.
I stopped trying to get good grades since they seemed to only notice bad ones and lecture me and belittle me about those as well. This took the form of my mother running me down constantly and criticising me. I was usually blamed for most things and my aunt was jealous of my close relationship with my uncle who was the only one who seemed to understand and tried to help me out of my situation.
I always thought it was not quite right for her to always come between us, feeding him with false information, I was accused every minute of my life, although my uncle and I had a normal “father and daughter” relationship he only could do so much to help me because he always wanted to please both my uncle and I but had to be forced to choose and in many situations my aunt took priority.
My aunt hated our “relationship” and constantly bad-mouthed me to everyone and even tried to ruin my relationship with my cousins which she successfully did. I never knew what she was talking about. She often told me I was sly, secretive and horrible which were all the traits she claimed my father had. She was very bitter about having to look after me yet I never complained to her about looking after her in domestic terms.
She would fly into regular tempers where she would storm about the house shouting abuse at me. The only person who could calm her down was her favourite, my youngest cousin sister, and many a time we would hide until she came home from school and talked to her. Even then my cousin sister said she would say some horrible things even to her before she calmed down.
Looking at it now that I am all grown up I think she had emotional problems of her own and took them out on me. I was never allowed any emotions unless they were happy ones and even then she would try and run me down, I was never allowed to cry and I did a lot of that at night while I slept but if she barged in on me crying I would pay for it.
If I was upset or angry for any reason then I was accused of upsetting the whole household especially her as she had a headache or something. I have little memory of my mother, all I remember was that I was not allowed to talk about her. I was even scared to think about her. As a result I developed depression from childhood which has damaged and limited my whole life, I have never been able to express my feelings. In fact, I am most of the times confused because I do not know whether I am happy or angry or if there is need for me to cry.
I have always suffered from low self-esteem and the inability to love and form lasting relationships. I have never been able to marry or have children because of my demons, they have followed me and are haunting me. I do not know how to love, or feel loved.
I constantly have to act out as a tough person and I can never trust because growing up those I entrusted with my life abused me. When I think of all these things my heart breaks mainly because it has taken me years to deal with all that happened to me and I do not know if I can ever be able to love and have a family.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.
Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us. Email [email protected].
