The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I am worried that the first time I had sex with my husband I did not bleed even though I was a virgin. Can you please tell me what the problem is because I am worried? — Worried.
Reply
You are not alone in this. Many women do not bleed when they have sex for the first time. Vaginal bleeding from first time intercourse typically occurs when a woman’s hymen tears. The hymen is a thin layer of tissue that covers part of a woman’s vaginal entrance. Although the tissue itself is thin, it is filled with blood vessels — that is why tearing the hymen can lead to bleeding. Among women who notice bleeding when they first have sex, some notice only a small amount of bleeding and others notice a significant amount. However, some girls are not born with much hymen tissue at all and so when they are older and have vaginal intercourse for the first time, they don’t notice much bleeding, if they notice any at all. Other times girls are born with a typical amount of hymen but the hymen tears during childhood or adolescence without them even realising it. A young woman may tear her hymen while washing her vagina by inserting her finger or fingers or another object. Also, a young woman may tear her hymen while being fingered by her partner as part of sex play. Even tampon use may help to wear away parts of the hymen over time. Sports that require a lot of leg work, running, riding a bicycle can cause the hymen to tear. In other words, there are several reasons why you did not bleed during your first sexual intercourse – but that doesn’t mean that you were not a virgin. I hope this is helpful.
Hi Sis Noe
I hate the fact that my girlfriend is far more sexually experienced than me. Even though this all happened before we got together, knowing it makes me feel jealous and insecure — especially when she talks about ex-lovers. Sometimes I get angry about it. I don’t want to be like this. — Help.
Reply
Your girlfriend cannot rewind the clock and undo her past, but you could ask her to show a little more sensitivity by not mentioning ex-lovers quite so enthusiastically. Is this something she would be willing to consider – or does she feel you should love her regardless of her past, as her experiences make her the person she is today? Ask for a chat and be honest. Admit how insecure you feel and ask her to see things from your point of view. But if this is always going to niggle away at you, I suspect you could be happier with someone else.
Hi Sis Noe
We can’t do anything without my mother-in-law joining us. From shopping to holidays, she always assumes that she is included. She has no money, so we always have to pay for her, but she has never thanked me. It’s getting to the stage where I am really beginning to resent her, but what can I say? My husband always feels responsible for her happiness. — Worried.
Reply
It’s admirable of your husband to consider his mother, but it’s really not necessary for her to spend every special occasion with you. This is not about excluding her — it’s about you and him sharing special time in order to nurture your relationship. I suggest complete honesty. Let your husband be upfront with your mother-in-law, and he should respectfully explain that you and he need to spend some time alone. That said, I could hate to think he is using her as a buffer because he doesn’t want to be alone with you – you and he need to talk.
Hi Sis Noe
My oldest friends have dumped me because I have stopped drinking alcohol. I have been told that I am boring. The woman I have always considered my best friend recently said she felt awkward sitting next to me when she is drinking and I’m stone-cold sober. She says it feels like I’m judging her. Also, people don’t like the fact that I just buy myself a cool drink and don’t buy them a round. — Lonely.
Reply
Maybe you need to accept that you have outgrown this particular set of friends. Why can’t you be your own person and avoid alcohol if that’s what you wish? Plenty of people manage to socialise without getting drunk and you shouldn’t have to apologise. Also, is it really your job to subsidise everyone else’s drinks? Get your friend on her own and make it clear that you are not in the business of judging anyone. Does she still wish to see you at all, or does she also think your relationship has run its course?
Hi Sis Noe
After we made love the other night, I stupidly asked my boyfriend who he thought was the best in bed: his ex or me. He said it was his ex. He said he couldn’t lie. I cried and he changed his story. He claims that I’m sexy and exciting, and completely satisfy him. But I feel terrible and no longer want to make love because I feel ugly. — Hate.
Reply
Sensible men know that the answer to give a woman is a positive one even if it’s a lie. If your boyfriend is not the kind of man who realises this, you should not have asked the question in the first place – even while basking in a post-coital glow. Clearly this man is utterly mortified now, but don’t blame him for giving an honest answer to what he thought was an honest question. Stop playing games, make this up with him and get over yourself. Of course he desires you and finds you attractive – why else would he be in your life?
Hi Sis Noe
My girlfriend has a temper and thinks nothing of insulting me. In private and in public, I’m repeatedly told that I’m stupid and fat, yet she still expects me to rise to the occasion and make her happy. Other people don’t have relationships like this — where am I going wrong? — Worried.
Reply
It sounds like it’s time for some home truths. Firstly, your partner needs to hear that unless she stops acting like a brat, this relationship is over. Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you have been putting up with this treatment. Choose your moment, be calm but firm and read her the riot act. By standing up for yourself, you may win back her respect and she may change her tune. Alternatively, you might find the self-respect and confidence needed to end this relationship and find someone who deserves you.
Hi Sis Noe
I’m desperate to move on with my life — to relocate to a new town and start again. But every time I discuss my dreams, my friend begs me not to leave her. My friend’s problem is that she has a very unhappy marriage with her husband of 25 years. — Confused.
Reply
I don’t see how this friend is your responsibility. If she has stuck with her husband for 25 years, it has been her choice to do so. Why has she not left him? It’s not your job to provide a refuge for her. I’m sure she is very attached to you, but this is your time now. You are a free agent – you can live anywhere and be anything you want. Don’t allow this woman to control you or make you feel guilty. There is nothing to stop her from visiting you – in fact that might just persuade her to do something positive with her life, too.
Hi Sis Noe
My 26-year-old daughter is going out with my ex-boyfriend. I know she’s an adult but it makes me feel very uncomfortable to think of him sleeping with her the way he did with me. I have asked him to leave her alone, but he politely told me to mind my own business. Even so, it’s my job to be concerned, isn’t it?
Reply
There is being concerned and then there is interfering. Of course you care about your daughter, but you have to accept that she is old enough to know her own mind. I agree it seems strange that she has fallen for your ex – someone you used to be intimate with – but often it’s said that we can’t help who we fall in love with. I suggest you leave them be and get on with your own life – and possibly a new relationship. If you try to intervene between these two, you may find it causes a rift with your daughter that proves very difficult to repair.
