The Sunday News
MONEY is such an emotionally loaded topic that few couples discuss it directly. Yet it is, more than sex what drives partners apart. For most people, money is never just money, a tool to accomplish some of life’s goals. It is love, power, happiness, security, control, dependency, independence, freedom and more.
Money is so loaded a symbol that to unload it and I believe it must be unloaded to live in a fully rational and balanced relationship. Usually, when the button of money is pressed, deeper issues emerge. Most people relate to money much as they relate to a person in an ongoing and complex way that taps deep-seated emotions.
When two individuals form an enduring relationship with each other, money is always a partner too. In these liberated times, couples discuss many things before marriage, but the meaning of money is not one of them. Money is still a taboo topic. Often, the silence is a shield for the shame, guilt and anxiety people feel about their own ways with money. I, for one, would want to tell my date or partner that I am an over spender (sometimes) and buying something new makes me very happy even on the first date just so they know that money is key.
As a result, money matters have been a perfect vehicle for awareness and growth in my relationships.
Many individuals have a troubled relationship with money. Then, when they get into relationships, money matters get explosive. Other people may have no problem with money individually; the trouble starts after they are in the relationship. Commonly, a hoarder marries a spender. We live in a market economy and we are led to believe that we are good citizens to the degree that we go out and spend.
Because of our community breakdown and spiritual alienation, many people feel a core emptiness that they try to fill up with things. If we are not overspending, we are typically worrying about money or compulsively hoarding it. I spend more time on money either working hard to make some or spending it, but my life revolves around money because I need it to get by.
We grew up in families where nobody talks about money. Most people will immediately protest: “Not true. My family talked about money all the time.” When I ask, “How did you talk?” they reply, “My father worried about not having enough, and he yelled at my mother for spending too much.”
The fact remains that people do not grow up with educational or philosophic conversations about what money is and isn’t, what it can and cannot do. We don’t examine the societal messages telling us that gratification lies in spending or that keeping up is not important.
Discussions based on money are so taboo that we usually reach adulthood without a realistic sense of our family’s finances.
I once met a man who had no idea that he grew up in a wealthy family. He said, “We had a family butchery and my mother was always worrying about how we were at the edge of doom. As a child I developed a stammer from all that money anxiety. As an adolescent, I worked day and night to keep the restaurant afloat. Years later, my mother was talking about the good old days when we were making so much money in the restaurant business. I started screaming at her about all the money anxiety I carried. I was outraged that it was not even based on a real threat. When I stopped screaming, I noticed that my stumble was gone.”
So I think it is important to openly discuss monetary issues so that we can save ourselves from a lot of things. A certain young lady e-mailed talking about how she gave herself to a man who took her out to some hotel and she even sold her virginity all because she was impressed by being taken to a hotel. She shared her story and blamed her love for money which bought her nothing but added to her misery as she was left with a fatherless child. I actually think monetary issues are important and should be discussed with children at a tender age to help them understand and not repel it.
We all need money so we can pay the rent and put food on the table. The need is real and without adequate finances things can get very uncomfortable. This adds another dimension to our mindset about money. Now, lack of money equals pain and having money equals pleasure. Is it any wonder that it is almost impossible to avoid forming an emotional attachment with that worthless printed paper?
What happens to our emotional stability when the economy is struggling and personal assets start evaporating? Our sense of security can easily turn into panic and leave us wondering how in the world we are going to cope. That’s a lot of leverage for paper with no intrinsic value.
Feedback
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I really love the articles, so inspiring indeed. — 0738440117.
Thank you for your educating Sunday Leisure column. In your recent issue you tackled one of the weevils that haunt many marriages – being bad in bed. Yaah it’s an undeniable fact that some women sleep on duty and some need a rude awakening, really! For a woman to tell me that she cannot be innovative to explore ways to spice up just a little fraction of time during intercourse, to me I equate it to foolishness and laziness. I think they think of another sex after death, no one knows. Anyway in your response to one woman who performed badly in the bedroom, you mentioned these words FOCUS, ENTHUSIASM and BOLDNESS during sex. I will be grateful if you expound on these words on your next issue as recipes of a healthy sexual life. Thank you for building blocks that are aimed at salvaging marriages from unwanted divorces that are talks of the day in our society — Jeffery Bulawayo. — 0774011486.
Hi, send me tips on bedroom upkeep. — 0773542493.
Truly speaking with money everything will follow. As for the ladies they want to get married so how will you do that if you are penniless. — 0733502289.
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