The Sunday News
NINE times out of 10, when you ask a woman what attracts her to a man, she’ll reply with one simple word (as if it were just so straightforward and obvious): “confidence.” If I were a man, specifically one who is soliciting advice, as I presume many of you are, I think I would find that reply to be incredibly frustrating, quite limiting and all around just pretty unhelpful. So, with that in mind, I’m going to try and explain this mythological “confidence” — how to get it, what it looks like and also how women can spot a man who is faking it or overcompensating for his lack thereof.
Confidence is an attitude, a demeanour of coolness, a “swagger,” if you will. Confidence is not something that you can wear like a t-shirt or a gold watch, but it is something that can be enhanced by putting on a fresh, crisp new item of clothing or by putting a little extra effort into your physical appearance. It’s a certain pep in your step. A way of walking. A contagious charisma. It’s seductive. It makes all people, not just women, gravitate toward a man and want to be around him, in the hopes of catching just a little bit of his energy. And also to see what else he’s got going on underneath that, and, most importantly, whether or not he can back it up. Contrary to what many men have been wrongly brainwashed by the media to believe, you do not have to be rich to have confidence.
Which brings me to the next bone I need to pick. There is a big difference between being cocky and being confident. Often, men who are missing real confidence, the kind that comes from within and is legitimately founded in security and self-assuredness, will feign confidence. This dance of pretending to be confident is popularly exemplified by a pompous or self-important attitude, a need to condescend to or patronise women and other people in order to assert a sense of importance or superiority over others, a tendency toward bragging and boasting (specifically about money), and a need to show off cars, conquests and wealth in a misguided attempt to impress others.
Any self-respecting, street-savvy woman (the kind you deserve and should want to be with) will be able to sniff out this obnoxious illusion. You do not need to be rude, insensitive, materialistic or offensive to appear confident. Because you know what good women, those who are worth a good man’s time, like even more than a guy with a wallet exploding with money and a misogynistic attitude? An honest, hardworking, ambitious, career-oriented, smart person (bonus if he smells good) who has concrete, pinpoint-able things in his life that he can get really, genuinely positive and excited about. That’s sexy. That’s really sexy. And that’s confidence.
It’s difficult to thoroughly quantify signs of confidence. Signs of non-confidence or insecurity. But I am giving it the old college try. A man who is confident has conviction. He’s calm, cool, collected, composed, cordial and kind. He stands up for himself, for others and for what he believes is right. He doesn’t talk down to people to make himself feel better, he calls a woman when he’s interested in her and, more importantly, calls a woman when he says he will.
A man who is not confident, but pretends to be, is wishy-washy, sends mixed messages to confuse women into feeling insecure and to make himself feel more powerful, says he’ll do things and then doesn’t, talks about how successful and confident he is, validates his existence by conquering or misleading women, and, for absolutely no reason, derives a lot of pleasure from insulting others and making them feel small.
Even if you’re the kind of guy who isn’t macho, doesn’t play sports, isn’t in a band and doesn’t have a big bank account, you can, and should, still be confident. All you need is to like yourself, make decisions that help you sleep at night, have hobbies you enjoy and possess any of the bevy of other things I’ve already mentioned that women really like.
So, in summation, confidence is an attitude that is based on being cool and comfortable with who you are and what you like. Confidence is walking through the world like you’re in a music video, like there’s an awesome soundtrack playing exclusively for your life. We all have our bad days, when we don’t like our hair and don’t like our jobs, but the key to real confidence is how we deal with the crappy stuff, and for a confident dude, that means acting like a gentleman .
I really hope this is helpful. If there’s any small token of advice for you to find and absorb in this wordy rant, it’s that, even if you’re not feeling fly like Bruno Mars, try and act like you are, but don’t try too hard, because that’s obvious and a turnoff. If you just want the confidence CliffsNotes, here they are: learn how to unhook a bra, open the car door for her, don’t apologise for not having a nicer car, don’t apologise for not being able to take her to a nicer restaurant, but do take her to the nicest restaurant that you can reasonably afford, and definitely don’t apologise for who you are but be sure to apologise sincerely when you mess up.
And here’s what’s most important: do your best to become someone who is worthy of your own confidence. If you are reading this, it means you care about bettering yourself, and that’s a good start.
—Askmen.com
