What she misses about the younger you

MEN in long-term relationships and marriages, this one’s for you. Take a moment to look back at those long-ago days when you first got together with your wife or girlfriend. You were both younger, maybe you weighed less, maybe you had more hair.

“She was hot back then!” you think to yourself, with satisfaction. “She’s still hot,” you remind yourself, acknowledging that she might not necessarily be hot in the same way, but still. What was it like back then? “We went out more,” you recall. “We used to go out big! Remember that one birthday of mine? Holy sh*t, that was crazy. We ended up walking all the way home at dawn ‘cause we couldn’t find a cab. And she was barefoot because she got tired of walking in heels. SO MANY Jägerbombs that night, good God.”

Ah, memories. She has memories, too. Ever wonder what they’re like? She remembers the same events as you do, but she probably remembers them a little differently. The main difference is probably you. You’ve changed, pal! You both have, sure.

But there are things about the old you that she misses, and she’s probably too considerate to tell you about them. She might not even think about them very often. But as we all know, the best husbands and boyfriends are mind-readers, so here’s your cheat sheet.

You wanted to spend time with her before anyone else.

In the early days of your relationship, time with your lady was your top priority, because things were fresh and exciting and you were very likely to get a b*** at reasonably regular intervals. In terms of competing with your friends, she won, every time. Years later, that is no longer true. It makes sense; you live together. You brush your teeth beside her every morning in the bathroom mirror. But there are times when she misses the feeling of being the person at the pinnacle of your social pyramid. For proof, just once make a show of blowing off an opportunity to hang out with your buddies and ask her if she’d like to do something one-on-one. She will love it. You will have conjured the old you from the mists of time, and she will think you’re a magician.

You lectured less

What, me lecture? Yes, it’s you talking, and she’s listening. Or is she? Does it matter? Haha, that’s a joke — or course it matters! The difference between lecturing and conversing is that in a conversation, each person’s point of view is sought and a friendly debate ensues. After a bunch of years together, you probably think you already know her opinion on most things. And maybe you do! But sometimes a mysterious thing happens over the course of a conversation, an alchemical reaction wherein someone’s thoughts evolve and they say something unexpected — it may surprise even them. As long as you’re the only one talking, that’s never going to happen. Ask her what she thinks next time! Again, the old you, all hot and young, will appear before her eyes. She’ll probably get flustered.

You made fewer nighttime noises

This one’s pretty straightforward, and, unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it — at least not that I know of.

This is one of those times when she’s just going to have to suck it up, and she knows this, but it won’t make her stop daydreaming about the days before she knew about the other definition of “Dutch oven.”

You weren’t as set in your ways

This category of longing-for-the-past casts a wide net. There are so many ways that we settle into ourselves, and why shouldn’t we? Who would want to go through life like a fickle teenager, always grasping around for the next thing to get excited about?

A man who’s comfortable in his skin knows what he likes, right? Sure. He also allows himself to deviate from time to time, just to get the blood flowing a little bit. The fact is, your years of painstakingly accumulated and cataloged experience haven’t actually given you the definitive opinion on anything. The several very underwhelming steaks you ate on your college trip does not mean that the destination was an overrated steak-grilling nation, and should not prevent you from agreeing to go on vacation there with your spouse someday. You may have fallen asleep during the third act of King Lear when your wife convinced you to see it with her a couple years ago, but that doesn’t mean that you “hate plays.” That time you got bone-chillingly bad food poisoning after eating lamb vindaloo doesn’t mean that all Indian takeout should be treated with suspicion bordering on contempt. Shall I go on? I think you get the point.

You tried to impress her

For the record, thank God we don’t have to go through our lives continually trying to impress each other. Not having to do this anymore now that you’re in a committed relationship is great. But! Just like the previous thing she misses about the younger you, it can be nice to deviate from the SOP sometimes, especially if your little unexpected move impresses the living crap out of her. What type of endeavours fall under this category? Basically anything that you don’t usually do that you think she’d really, really like. If my husband baked me a cake, I would tell everyone I know about it. Part of why I would love this is that my husband doesn’t like cake even a little bit, but I do. Taking up rock climbing? Impressive. Why I am I even bothering to suggest ideas? You know exactly what would impress her — and you’ve never tried it. Do it.

You willingly hung out with her friends

It helped that they were hotter back then, too. But, no, you mostly did it to win their approval and solidify hers, and once it was clear that everyone was cool with everyone else, you were Audi 5000 from that social scene. They probably didn’t miss you that much, since most women would rather have an unattached man in their midst when they’re hanging out in a group than someone’s husband or boyfriend (admit it, guys feel the exact same way). But every so often they’d love to have you come out with them, especially if you acted like you wanted to be there. Your lady will get tons of respect from her friends if you seem to genuinely enjoy their company, and that will remind her why she decided to hitch her wagon to yours in the first place.

You were (at least) 10 pounds lighter

OK, this one’s a little below the belt. Is she the exact same size she was when you met her? Probably not, especially if she’s had a kid. Let’s go easy here! But in the spirit of agonising honesty, we can’t leave this out. Most of us could be healthier, and it’s not just for ourselves but for our spouses. So if you’ve been thinking about getting to the gym more often, or worrying about that layer of “winter fat” that used to disappear like magic in June but now just kind of stays there, comfortably framing your navel like a dainty throw pillow, maybe you should do it for her. She’ll absolutely support you, and who knows? The sight of you in your circa-2003 board shorts next summer might inspire her to rummage around her closet and find that cute dress she wore on your first anniversary. — http://www.askmen.com