The Sunday News
Busie Mtshede
A COUPLE without children is thought to be cursed, and the woman is often suspected to have had a series of abortions, hence her failure to conceive.
It is sad to note that even in the society we live in a woman is still to blame when a couple cannot conceive.
I can only imagine what a woman goes through when the one who is meant to love and protect her also blames her for her misfortune and turns a blind eye on seeking medical attention.
Infertility and its impact can have a very significant impact on the man and the woman involved and the psychological and emotional impact of infertility can be as strong and as important as the physical components. Women, more so than men, feel responsible not only for everyone’s bad feelings, but also for anything bad that happens and they often face more judgment from society and everyone around them.
As a result, it is common for the woman to assume responsibility for the emotional impact of the infertility and for her to experience strong feelings of pain, anger, fear, shame, or depression.
The woman may show quick shifts in her emotions, looking for an emotional connection at one moment and in the next withdrawing emotionally from her partner and this is when she needs her partner most than to be walked out on because she cannot carry a baby.
This week our column is on a woman who has been married for five years and has failed to conceive and as though being barren is not enough she has suffered a blow from her husband who has turned his back on her.
I always knew my not being able to have a child was going to be an issue and every month when my cycle comes regular I always get disappointed in myself for not falling pregnant.
At first my husband never paid much attention, as he knew how desperate I was to have a child and when family started asking the usual questions and passing uncomfortable comments it brought nothing but misery to my marriage. My husband finally spoke out on our failure to have a child eight months ago and he accused me of all sorts of things and said hurtful words I never thought I would hear coming from him.
With every word he said I felt it creeping up on me slowly at first inside my chest, suddenly the words stood up, attacking me and becoming a huge monster, his words were like swinging a sharp axe trying to cut its way out by the middle of my chest. I did not realise what was happening and lay back on my bed and just absorbed the pain.
I knew that our marriage had been changing, and we were seeing less of each other, more like avoiding spending time together, but I was thinking of it in terms of what we could do to fix it and trying to find a way to ask him if he could make me a higher priority in his life than he had been lately, and thinking of taking up his hobbies to spend more time with him that way.
I never thought he would end our marriage because we are only married in name now and our hearts are not together as he has turned his back on me, and when he said all those hurtful things and started acting up I felt like I had been hit. I had not talked to him properly about not being able to conceive because I was trying to think of how to do it without making him feel like I was accusing him. I was being sensitive and it hurt me when he did not care about my feelings and what all this would do to me and our marriage.
He all of a sudden preferred spending as much time away from home as possible. He says he still loves me, and is grateful for the time and love I have given him, but he feels that I am staying in one place in my life and he does not want to be there with me forever, he wants children and little does he know that I am desperate for kids but it is just not happening.
I have been crying every time I think of how happy we were and how miserable I am now, it has been really difficult having to listen to my husband call me names and accuse me of failing our marriage. I avoid family gatherings by all means possible because I am the trending topic and people always have a mouthful to say.
I am alright at work, but I think that might be because I am not expecting him to be there but as soon as I get home to an empty house I start crying and of late I cry myself to sleep at night because he is never home to talk to me. Sadly sometimes when I wake up in the morning I am by myself. He has not moved out yet, but is sleeping more in the spare room.
I have chewed all my nails off, I cannot eat, I cannot talk to our friends, and I cannot stop crying and above all I am in pain and my world is falling apart and I cannot save myself.
My family noticed my change immediately and tried to talk sense to me. They knew I was totally broken and I was trying to isolate myself from even the day light, relegating my time enclosed in my house than be with people pretending to be busy and okay yet I am shattered.
Despite feeling barren and feeling deep unhappiness of thought that my life is now slowly taking a turn I feel helpless to do anything right. I feel as though I have been left to tell everyone I know, we know, we knew or would possibly meet that I am to blame for our not being able to have children.
I have cried so much that I thought I would get dehydrated from all the water loss. I cry at any moment I get alone, and around people with whom I feel comfortable.
I try to get him to talk to me or at least give me attention but it seems I am fighting a losing battle because he has stopped loving me. When I see other couples holding hands I think of what we were not so long ago.
Waking up in the mornings has hurt since the day he stopped coming into my bed as my husband and not because it’s his duty. I have never really been a morning person, but coming out of my subconscious into reality is a painful process that I start with every day, the pain of starting a new day with a heartbreak is unbearable. I do not wish such pain on anyone.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.
Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us. Email [email protected]
