The Sunday News
I FIND that human attraction is more complex than we give it credit, and yes, resisting temptation (not the lack of temptation itself) is what both friends’ love and partners’ love should be about in every relationship.
Having a friend stab you in the back because of failing to resist temptation is just cheap friendship politics because I believe as friends there are lines people should never cross no matter what happens.
If infidelity was not painful enough, there are circumstances which take the heartache and effectively multiply it, that is discovering your partner is marrying your once upon a time best friend. Not only has your partner, who you thought had your best interests at heart, betrayed you but a friend who you also trusted would have betrayed you. I can imagine what goes through the jilted partner’s mind, I mean as humans our mind races through all the times.
Losing a man to another woman is in most cases expected as people fall in and out of love but losing a friend because of a man is something I am still trying to process even as I type this column. Imagining that you offered hospitality and opened up your heart and home to this woman you viewed as a best friend and next they are getting married to your ex who is your ex because of their hand that was at play leading to your break up I am sure one would feel completely violated.
Surrounding yourself with honest and loyal people is important to maintain a happy and healthy friendship and every girl needs a best friend in their lives or else life would be meaningless as far as sharing secrets, laughing and sharing hearty moments is concerned.
Every girl who has had a close girlfriend or group of close girlfriends knows there are some things loyal friends just do not do for instance being a reason your best friend’s break-up with a man and then later on marrying that man. This is one heartbreak that I am yet to get my head around as it is confusing.
Seeing an ex happily married is a deep cut in the heart especially if there are unresolved issues and even moreso when the other woman is your best friend.
This week our column is on a woman who lost two lovers at the same time as her best friend married her ex-boyfriend.
I will never forget the moment I found out my best friend was marrying my ex-boyfriend, in fact, the memory will never leave me. Every feeling I felt that day is as fresh and raw as the day it happened.
I personally thought my best friend and I had the ‘‘perfect friendship’’, we hardly fought, we always knew exactly how to make each other happy and laugh, we had the same hobbies, we travelled together and our families knew each other. She was my first friend and we had continued being friends for a very long time.
We had studied for our degrees in a different country and had been there for each other to survive, she knew everything about me and we were very close. After college I moved back and she continued to stay in South Africa as she had found a job there.
My then boyfriend moved to South Africa after getting a job there and I was happy that they would have each other as well.
A couple of months later my boyfriend and I started having problems and he would ask me about things only my friend knew about and back his claims with unfounded lies. It never clicked that my friend was his source and I would tell her about everything and she would talk me through it and tell me we would survive.
I loved my boyfriend and I tried hard to resolve issues until he broke up with me for no good reason. I cried and even travelled all the way to South Africa just to try and fix things. He refused to see me until I returned home and my friend had insisted on talking to him and helping us work things out.
I eventually accepted the break-up and moved on with my life but stayed glued to my best friend and we continued to confide in each other and I had made it known that I still loved my boyfriend.
Six months ago I found out my best friend was getting married to my ex-boyfriend. It was the ultimate betrayal. I had been friends with her for years, I totally and completely trusted her. I shared all my secrets with her and she knew how I felt about that guy even though we had broken up.
I loved her as my best friend and I guess I was blind but now that I look back I notice that in the past months she has been cold and I have been doing the whole chatting her up and she would throw in all sorts of excuses for not talking to me, basically she had become distant. I did not know she was such a horrible person that she would date my ex, I mean she has always been the sweet and quiet one, I really did not see this coming.
I had heard rumours, but always dismissed them my other girlfriends in South Africa had also heard the rumours but they had not thought to tell me or wanted to tell me until I was telling them about my back stabbing best friend. What still haunts me is the fact that no one had the heart, or the guts, to tell me. So much for the sisterhood.
The people who were supposed to have my back the most (apart from, you know, my best friend) just did not. I was left feeling like a fool. A fool who could not trust anyone.
Three weeks ago my worst fear came to life when I saw them together as they had come down for their traditional wedding and I was shattered. I felt sick, I wanted to cry and had to try so hard not to, I was shocked and I badly wanted it to be a dream. Now I feel so betrayed, not only by my ex-boyfriend, but also by my friend (I have known her since 2nd grade and we were like my sister).
I do not know if I can ever forgive my ex, as for my friend, I still do not know about her. I really miss having a best friend though and I do not know how to get through this because in times like these I would have called her. Seeing as she is the other woman in my ex’s life I just do not know how to deal with this situation.
My heart is in pieces because I still had hope for getting back with my ex and I was not prepared to lose my friend so I am a big mess right now. I am hurting and the embarrassment is not helping as everyone in our circles is talking about it.
So I sit here today as I type and I am quite hurt and losing it. Everything that happened with those two and what they did all just came back and hit me right in the face. I really loved them both. I wonder if they really ever cared about me. This whole situation makes me sick to my stomach.
The amount of betrayal is still overwhelming, I hate him, and I hate her as well. I would never have guessed she would do this to me or that he would for that matter. I know I would have moved much further by this time if it was not with my best friend.
I know this because the anger is about the two of them, not just their marriage.
Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.
Keep going. You will get there someday and in the mean time continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us. Email [email protected].
