The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I DON’T know what is wrong with me. I prefer to have anal sex to vaginal sex. My husband has started complaining that the quality of sex we have has gone down because of that. How can I make things better? — Worried.
While enjoying anal is evidently your preference and choice I would advise you to also consider your husband’s needs. He likes vaginal sex, you like anal sex — mix up the two. One round you can have anal the next vaginal or vice versa but just make sure you wash your sex organs before you engage in another type of penetration. It may be vaginal sex is never going to be your thing again. But if there are underlying reasons for avoiding it, exploring and addressing those is sensible, regardless of whether you want to ever have vaginal sex again.
You and your partner clearly need to work out together what feels nice for you, and you are certainly not unique in experiencing a sexual disconnection but it is important to find common ground before it’s too late. Talking to your man is also important as you have mentioned they are OK with anal because you like it, but he might prefer vaginal penetration. Being certain your partner is genuinely fine with anal sex is important, just to be sure they are not going along with it — like you do with vaginal sex.
Hi Sis Noe
I have caught my wife masturbating many times even though we have sex almost everyday. I am worried that I am not satisfying her. I have asked her and she says I satisfy her but she just loves masturbating. — Confused.
Many people enjoy masturbation as much or even more than having sex — even if sex with their partner is wonderfully satisfying. Your wife’s love of self-stimulation doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than she chooses to enjoy that. It certainly does not mean she doesn’t love you, or that sex with you is less enjoyable. Female sexuality is complex. Making love is not usually just about sexual pleasure; in fact, it’s a different experience than self-pleasuring. Most women get more intense pleasure from clitoral stimulation than from vaginal penetration and this may sound harsh for a man to hear, but women really don’t need penises in order to be satisfied. That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy penetration. Sharing her body with a partner, expressing her emotions, and experiencing different sensations is fulfilling in a different way than simple genital self-manipulation. So relax. Tell your wife you understand. Ask her to show you how she likes to be touched and then incorporate it into your love-making.
Hi Sis Noe
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am a virgin and I want to have sex but I am afraid. I shake and cry when a man tries to touch me. — Help.
Why do something you don’t want to? While it is normal for anyone — including experienced lovers — to feel nervous about the first time with someone new, if that anxiety becomes terror, there is at least some self-analysis to be done. That voice inside you — the one that makes you run from sex — what exactly is it saying? Most importantly, that voice might be saying something very important for your protection, such as: “I don’t feel ready”, “I really don’t trust him”, or “I simply don’t feel like it.” These are valid reasons that should be respected by you and your potential sex partner. There is a great deal of pressure — from peers, media and society — to become fully sexual but if that’s not how you feel, don’t bow to it.
Hi Sis Noe
I get a very hard erection when my penis is being sucked by my girlfriend but I am rarely very hard when I penetrate her. I am 45 years old, my wife is 30 and I can tell that she does not like it but she does not complain. Is something wrong with me? — Worried.
Some men are simply more aroused by oral sex but from a purely mechanical point of view, some men find that vaginal sex does not always provide the type of friction they need. As men age, they often experience a reduction in erectile firmness, as well as in the angle of elevation, and it is understandable that these changes may go unnoticed, since they usually don’t affect their ability to achieve intercourse and ejaculate. But, unfortunately, partners often take these changes personally. I suspect that the best way forward is to find out what these changes really mean for your wife’s sexual enjoyment. Focus on finding how to increase her stimulation and pleasure in ways other than intercourse, such as providing her with more direct manual or oral stimulation. And find ways to reduce your stress — and not just because it dramatically undermines sexual processes.
Hi Sis Noe
Every time I have sex I get disgusted after I am done. I don’t know what is wrong with me, I find the women attractive but I am just disgusted. This has affected my ability to satisfy the women I sleep with. — Help.
Some people cannot tolerate being seen for what they are — sexual beings. This can be a result of highly negative, ingrained beliefs about sex from childhood, or it may be trauma-based. In all cases, people tend to be fairly unmotivated to seek help to change unless partners or circumstances mandate it. Recognising your sexual needs as healthy and valid is worth pursuing: not only may your ability to give and receive pleasure be greatly enhanced, but you would then be in a position to form lasting, deep relationships that could provide greater happiness throughout your life. It’s a choice you have to make.
Sisi Noe, help me. I’m a man staying in Byo aged 43 with one kid; help me to find a companion.
Hi Sis Noe, I’m a lady aged 22 and I’m looking for a good guy who wants to marry. Plz help me find one.
I am a 23-year-old lady with one child, I am in Zvishavane. I am looking for a man to settle down with.
I am a lady teacher with two kids and I am aged 50. I am a widow. I am looking for a man who is aged 50 to 60.
I’m a 44-year-old widow looking for a man; he must be between 45 to 50 years.
I am a male adult aged 28. I am looking for a woman between 22 and 25 years. I am a Christian and I stay in Bulawayo.
Ngidinga umfazi sister, am 42 years old staying in Byo. I’m a brick-layer by profession and I am HIV-positive, am a father of two — Form 2 first born, Grade 6 last born.
I’m a man of 32 pliz connect me to a lady 25 to 30 years old with or without a kid.
I am a 23-year-old lady based in Kezi who is looking for a man for a serious relationship. He should be 25 to 33.
I am a woman based in Botswana aged 30. I am looking for a man aged 30 to 40 who wants to settle down
I don’t know if u can help me, am a lady aged 24 and am HIV+, I am looking for a guy who’s also HIV+ to settle down with aged 26 to 30.
I’m a female aged 25 looking for a guy who is ready to wed. I am in Bulawayo. I am a single mother.
I am a 33-year-old man with a good job looking for a woman aged 18 to 36 who wants to settle down. I am in Bulawayo.
My name is Andrew aged 26 from Bulawayo, I am looking for a lady to marry aged between 18-25. Please help me.
Hi, I am a 25-year-old mum with one child who needs a man aged 25 to 40 who is serious. I stay in Njube in Bulawayo.
Sis Noe does not take phone calls and she does not respond to text messages sent via SMS unless you provide her with airtime. To get the numbers of the people who are searching for love send a WhatsApp message — an SMS needs to be accompanied with airtime.