The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
MY wife now loves going to the gym and every morning she jogs. She is now complaining that I am not fit and unattractive. Now she rarely sleeps with me to force me to exercise. I don’t want to go to the gym and worse if my wife wants to force me to. — Help.
Reply
I am going to be harsh here — you are a man so I’m sure you can take it. Has it crossed your mind that the reason you are not having sex any more is not because your wife is at the gym, but because you have become an unattractive lump sprawled on the sofa?
It sounds to me as if your wife is trying to tell you something and, if you continue to ignore her, she may well start talking to someone else.
Gyms don’t just contain middle-aged chubsters making a fool of themselves in aerobics classes, they are also full of gorgeous healthy specimens of manhood.
I hate exercise and going to the gym, but the consequences of not going are, for me, even worse.
Being nagged may be annoying, but being dumped is devastating. Go to the gym and sweat a river, the sex will follow.
Hi Sis Noe
I am single and being pursued by my ex-boyfriend. We didn’t break up because he did something but because our sex life was pathetic.
We used to have sex just once a month. Besides that he was great. He did everything I wanted and he treated me like a queen.
I don’t know whether I should go back to such a man. Sex is important to me. — Worried.
Reply
It seems to me that you have already made your decision and this ex is staying an ex.
Just before you do start looking at all those other fish in the sea, let me ask a few questions.
Have you ever actually told this man, who you really like and fancy, that you have a problem with his libido?
If he is truly fabulous, maybe it would be worth seeing a specialist counsellor.
On the other hand, there are few things more humiliating than having to talk someone into having sex with you.
It’s very hard to keep the passion burning when you feel your partner is doing you a favour.
Whoever you go out with, things will eventually end up with more of an emphasis on companionship than crazy nights in the bedroom, but I suppose you don’t want to face that reality immediately.
Fair enough. Balancing a love life with a life of love is not easy for any couple and I am sure many people reading your letter will be screaming at you to grab this man with both hands, but the point is that you are not ready.
If you are not completely certain then leave this man’s heart alone. I just hope that by the time you are happy to settle for evenings of snuggles and hand-holding there is a hand out there to hold.
Hi Sis Noe
I was abused as a child by my father. He used to hire prostitutes for me when I was a teenager.
And they did things to me that give me nightmares up to now. When I told him I don’t like it he said they were making me a man.
Now I have a good job, I am married, I have a family and I moved far away from him to Bulawayo.
He is in Kariba. I have not seen him in years but recently he called me and it brought back the nightmares. Should I report him? — Worried.
Reply
The way your father treated you was totally wrong: that is not how fathers should treat their sons.
What you endured was inhumane, abusive and horribly cruel. To have experienced what you did at such a young age was truly traumatic.
And yet there you are in your letter, telling me about the good things in your life now — that’s an extraordinary testament to your spirit and personality. You want to report your father for what he did to you that is okay.
But while I do not want to discourage you from doing so, I also do not want you and your family to suffer unnecessary trauma.
People do make complaints about historical childhood abuse and get resolution. Many feel validated and listened to, often for the first time.
Some go to trial, some don’t. Past or current abuse is investigated by specialist trained officers and you would be offered support.
There are various options to consider so you can make an informed choice that works for you.
You may think it’s your word against his but you could also be surprised what evidence there might be and what comes out when something is investigated. It’s not your job to provide evidence, but for the police to look into.
As I hinted you can let sleeping dogs lie or you could pursue the issue but if I was you I would seek professional counselling and move on with my life.
Hi Sis Noe
I have been in love with a man who cheats on me a lot but I can’t break up with him. He treats me well, he showers me with gifts but he is a serial cheat. He tells me to be patient with him because he will eventually change. — Cheated.
Reply
I wonder what you want me to say — that, despite everything, this exciting feeling he gives you is worth it — you know it is not.
The reason he still makes you feel like this, after all this time, is because you never know where you stand with him.
It is a feeling of hope, not a sign of a soul mate.
You seem terribly kind, you want to say the right thing, and you want to be fair: but I think you need to start getting angry.
Is this man a bad person?
Probably not wholly, which is what makes him so attractive: you keep trying to sieve out the good bits, the gold among the silt, but it is not enough, is it?
What is clear is that he is not a good partner and he makes a mess wherever he goes. Don’t be the person to clean up after him. Run for the hills while you still can.
