The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I AM a married man but I have a girlfriend who doesn’t know that I am married. She is now talking about us settling down and having children. I love her, I don’t know what to do. — Confused.
Reply
You are a man living on the edge. You are telling so many lies and leading so many people along, your mind is in a whirl. But the fact of the matter is that you are already married, so you are in no position to marry anyone else. Therefore, it’s only fair to tell your partner exactly what is going on and how tied up in knots you are. Of course she is going to hit the roof, but she has to know where she stands.
Hi Sis Noe
I have been living with my boyfriend for five years but I no longer love him. I don’t know what to do because I can’t leave him as I like the flat we live in. It is very beautiful and gives me status and makes my friends jealous. I just can’t go back home to my parents in Makokoba. — Stressed.
Reply
Are you for real? You are staying in a failing relationship because you can’t give up the bricks and the mortar? I am sure you have a beautiful home, but what about your happiness, your sex life and your future well-being? What about your boyfriend’s happiness? Surely you cannot string him along forever just because you love his flat? You mentioned your friends — that clearly shows how immature you are. Why do you care what anyone thinks? You may dislike your parents’ house but that’s your real home — that is where you grew up. You are a Makokoba girl; you cannot rub it off you. You can take the girl out of the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out of the girl. Try as you may. Do me a favour — please grow up!
Hi Sis Noe
Since I gave birth I don’t feel my man’s penis, he does not satisfy me. I fear that my vagina is now too big for him. Please help. — Worried.
Reply
After giving birth vaginally, it’s normal for the vagina to be larger than it was before, and this effect generally is more pronounced after the birth of a large baby. This is caused by relaxation of the pelvic floor musculature. These muscles will lose their tone with each successive birth, although pelvic floor exercises known as Kegels can help you tighten them up. Tighten the muscles at the front lower part of your body as if you are stopping yourself from urinating and adopt this hold for 10 seconds then relax and repeat and keep up for five minutes. Do these four times a day. Some women are not comfortable with exercise and that’s their choice but if you really want to help yourself and keep the muscles strong then the pelvic floor muscle exercises are ideal. Since this includes the muscle that you use to stop and start the flow of urine, you can check if you’ve identified the right muscle by testing your Kegel technique while urinating — if you can stop the flow of urine when tightening, then you know that you are contracting the correct muscle. But don’t actually do your exercises while urinating; just use that to check your technique. Sexual pleasures will become more intense as the muscles become more elastic and stronger. These exercises improve the bladder so that you will not leak urine. However, your vagina will not actually become smaller but the opening will be tighter and you will feel his penis like never before.
Hi Sis Noe
I love my husband but I am not sure if he loves me, simply because he does not care about my emotional and sexual needs. The sex we have satisfies him, not me. I have told him this but nothing has changed. — Help.
Reply
Sadly, it sounds as though your husband has become an increasingly selfish and uninterested lover. It is hard to imagine how your sex life has made you feel, given that your husband does not know what you enjoy or what gives you pleasure. Understanding this about your partner is an essential part of any loving relationship — and it should always work both ways. If a couple do not explore what each enjoys, then one or both tend to lose interest in their sexual relationship and are often tempted to look elsewhere. I know this is tough, but I think you need to talk to your husband and ask him if he still loves you and whether he truly wants this marriage to work or is just staying for the children or financial reasons. If you both want to stay in the marriage, talk about why you feel you are drifting apart and discuss what changes you both wish to see in your relationship — including your sex life. I hope that once you feel closer to one another your sex life will improve. Alternatively, if he has fallen out of love then perhaps he is no longer the man for you.
Hi Sis Noe
I love my wife and we have been together for three years, but have not had sex for the last four months. I have to admit that sex with her was never as good as with most of my previous girlfriends. Now, I simply don’t find her sexually attractive any more. Plus she now wants us to have children but I am not ready. — Help.
Reply
Have you explored the reasons why you no longer find your wife sexually attractive? Was your sex life not good because she was inhibited, or did you always make love in the same way? Has she perhaps put on weight, or have you begun comparing her unfavourably to previous girlfriends? For sex to be good between two people, they both need to be open about what they enjoy and to try new ideas to give each other pleasure. Alternatively, maybe you have lost interest because deep down you are worried about her getting pregnant, so you started to avoid making love. Unless the sexual side of your relationship is restored, the marriage is not going to be sustainable in the long term. You are only in your 20s, I assume — how would you remain faithful in a sexless marriage? It would not be wise to start a family yet; you have to face the fact that your marriage may not have a future.
