Dealing with suffering, accepting and letting go

24 Jul, 2016 - 00:07 0 Views
Dealing with suffering, accepting and letting go

The Sunday News


Busie Mtshede

HEARTBREAKS are sadly a part of us and do not have a pattern or style and at some point in life you just have to face it head on. Dying relationships come in different forms some worth resuscitating while some should be left to die. In most cases there are two main stages associated with a dead and dying romantic relationship, which is so often tied to one partner’s emotions.

There is a ‘‘protest’’ stage and during the ‘‘protest’’ stage that is when the immediate aftermath of rejection hits one hard, ‘‘abandoned’’ lovers are generally dedicated to winning their sweetheart back.

They sometimes obsessively analyse the relationship, trying to establish what went wrong and they strategise about how to rekindle the romance.

Love is something we have relied on to explain situations we otherwise have no explanation for. When one falls in love, they fall hard and so when a relationship hits a dead end it is hard to deal and face the facts so for some people walking away from that love without giving it a ‘‘last’’ try and effort is not enough. Sadly some relationships end and everyone knows that, the tough part is actually dealing with suffering, accepting, letting go, moving on, and processing a whole lot of other feelings at the same time.

Every relationship has its days and demands, there are gives and takes, ups and downs, and of course the rocking of backs and forths. Some relationships can crush to a point where there is no use in fixing it but it is up to both parties to decide on ending the relationship. This will either happen amicably or one person will make their exit while the other insists it can be worked out. Both parties go through the grieving period and they slowly try to piece their lives back together.

This week our column is on a woman who was heartbroken, humiliated and still held on to what she termed ‘‘love’’ until she decided it was time to let go.

It is not enough that he broke my heart and humiliated me, he was to be mean to me, and it hurts so much that I have to deal with this anger as I recall the events that led to our final breakup. It was the most devastating time of my life. I was left with a big hole in my heart and a turbulent, uncontrollable mind.

We had it all, and I did not understand where I went wrong. I punished myself, replaying the tapes of our last days in my head, trying to make sense of what had happened and how we had found our love in such a dark hole. I could not help but text why did you turn to her? Why was I not enough for you? I was hoping to find a reason that could at least give me closure to a relationship I was trying to bring to life the whole year.

I received no answers, only deadly silence. He just left me alone with my grief, a ghost haunting my dreams and his absence was everywhere. I had a number of sleepless and uncomfortable nights where I lay on the ground in a crumpled heap, unable to eat, unable to sleep, a shell of my former self. I desperately wanted him, and without him, I could not go on, I lied to myself.

We had our problems and I caught him cheating countless times but I would forgive him and ask him to end things for the sake of our relationship and child. When I thought he had stopped and changed his ways I discovered he was dating a colleague as we both worked for the same company after I had moved towns and joined his company. We were in the same field and that is how we met.

A new lady also joined the company and my boyfriend did not waste time and made a pass at her and when they got together he told her to keep it a secret because of “company policies”, the same way he had told me. I never suspected a thing and she was the last person I ever imagined him having an affair with.

God always has His ways of revealing things and I got wind of their relationship and confronted her, things got ugly and we had an exchange of words in full view of everyone at the office. I told her we were staying together and had a three-year-old boy and he denied it in front of everyone and accused me of lying.

He managed to convince people I had issues and admitted to dating me and having ended the relationship. I was shocked, I really thought I had problems with my hearing and visual aid that day. I was embarrassed and he kept his cool. He came home that night and convinced me he had to do and say all those things to save us both our jobs.

I forgave him and we moved past it and he promised to end things with the other woman as he claimed to have explained his “position” to her. Naturally there were bad vibes at the office and that way we never discussed the incident as she had also been told that he had ended things with me.

Things got bad and he stopped contributing in the house and always complained of being broke. Little did I know that he was spending his money on his new found love. I loved him and he was my world so I convinced my heart to stay in place.

Months later, he was careless with his phone and I discovered messages in his phone and again I confronted them. We had a big fight and he broke up with me in front of everyone and said things he had never said to me and this time he left me and never came back.

He poured out some embarrassing things and was mean about it, my tears flowed endlessly and my heart spilled from my chest, broken and wounded. “He will realise what he lost, and he will come back,” my friend told me as she came to pick me up.

I got to a point where I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I tried to avoid any and everything to do with work so I left my job. I was left in the cold, heartbroken, defeated, embarrassed and jobless and to top it up he never phoned or checked on his son. He just went on about his life as though nothing had happened.

Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier.

Keep going. You will get there someday and in the meantime continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us.

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