The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
NEVER expect much in a relationship! No matter how many times you have been told not to give it your all in a new relationship, it has proved to be a difficult thing to hold back as love gets to be in charge, making one head over heels at once.
It is strange to find out that people, whose relationships were short-lived, are the ones who get hurt the most and their recovery takes a long time. This is all because they get hurt and disappointed while their expectations are still at the highest level. On the other hand, those ones who would have been in it for a long time always find reasons to console themselves.
Of course, some people have generally come up with the theory that the new generation no longer has the ability to stay in a relationship for a long time. I doubt that because if it was the case, then at the same time they should not be heartbroken when it ends as it will be out of choice!
Talking to one avid reader of this column who was threatening to commit suicide last week after her two-month relationship ended, she revealed that though she had been in long term relationships, the mini-relationship blew off her world. It turned out that the mini-relationship hurt the most as it never got a chance to play out. When her previous long term relationships had ended, she explained, she felt a sense of peace. They had run their natural course. Maybe she and her exes had tried to fix them. But the point was that they tried.
But with mini-relationships, she felt a sense of loss about what could have been. And in her fantasy, it could have been amazing. Now she will never know!
Love these days falls apart because of very idiotic reasons and inability to compromise. Mini-relationships are a frequent phenomenon of online dating. Perhaps these little liaisons range from a handful of dates to several months. Unlike long term relationships, the reasons why short-termers end tend to be less clear and more unsatisfying, especially if you believed “We could have been so good together!”
And it’s important to recognise that it can be painful when these relationships end — even if they were based on “what could have been” or “who you thought the other person was.” You liked someone. You put your heart out there. It didn’t work out and that hurts. And despite people’s advice to move on to the next match, it’s okay to endure it for a while.
No matter what has happened to you, try and pick up the broken pieces and move on. You have got to be positive because even these mini-relationships are meant to be beneficial for your dating life.
One of the most common fears of people who haven’t been in a relationship in a while or who are re-entering the dating market after a long marriage or relationship is that they’ve “lost the ability to date.” Of course, that’s not true! But that frisson of excitement you experienced or series of soul-baring discussions you engaged in are proof that you are back on your game.
Knowing you have the ability to create chemistry is empowering.
Ending something which was not working before wasting much time deserves to be celebrated. Maybe it wasn’t your choice, but if the relationship wasn’t happy, you would have eventually come to that conclusion. The point is that you didn’t continue to invest time in something that couldn’t or wouldn’t move forward. If you have ever been in a relationship that you wished had ended earlier, this is proof that you are getting better at recognising what’s not working to free up your dance card for a better match.
Okay, I know this is a lame consolation for a bruised heart. But if you believe in dating karma (and you should!), all these shorties provide good practice in speaking your truth and wishing each other well. That’s extremely important, especially if you’ve got a bitter divorce or bad breakup in your past. You are setting new standards for yourself and changing your relationship narrative. Whenever someone asks about your dating life, you can say, “I have gotten to know some great people, but we weren’t a perfect match.”
Dating is a process. Part of the journey is learning to identify what you do and don’t want in a partner. When you learn to enjoy and exit mini-relationships, you’re preparing yourself to meet the person who will be in it for the long haul. Accept it was not meant to be and stop torturing yourself wishing to turn back hands of time to get more time to be with that “lost” partner.
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