The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
EVERYONE gets into a relationship to love, be loved and have someone to walk by her side in the journey of life. In a normal scenario, the two have to complement and complete each other.
Unfortunately in life things do not always fold out as expected. During the life’s journey after sacrificing a lot, some people get disappointed to realise that they are not treated in a fairly way and are just more of an accessory in someone’s life. It’s painful and heartbreaking to be in such a position.
It is unfair that there are people who just get married for the sake of fulfilling the society expectations. Without understanding what they want, these are the same people who use and abuse others turning them into their accessories not lovers. They take their partners for granted and never appreciate them. Taking your partner for granted is often the first step in the long, miserable road to relationship collapse.
When you are someone’s accessory, he never asks for your advice. If your partner never asks your advice, it could be that they don’t want your advice. They may be taking your education, instincts and how well you know them for granted. Instead of being the kind of partner you make decisions with, you are the partner who will just go with the flow as they make decisions alone. It’s painful to realise that you are just treated like a toddler. Even if someone has already made up his mind about something, it’s better if he tells you and convinces you to agree than just to see things unfolding. In a relationship, both parties are supposed to take part in the decision making process.
Your partner must know that you are not an accessory in his life. Whether you got money, educated or not, he chose you so you became two equals. The other bad thing is when someone does not ask for your opinion before making final decisions. If your partner never asks your opinion, it could be that they don’t value your opinion. They might think they know you so they don’t need to ask you. Whether they don’t want your opinion or they think they know it, they are taking your right to have an opinion for granted. Your voice matters in everything. It’s boring to be given orders now and again. When one partner makes plans without consulting the other on a regular basis, they are taking their partner’s time for granted. They’re also making a big assumption that their partners are interested and available for whatever, whenever. It’s healthier to discuss these things together before committing.
If special occasions are important to you and your partner doesn’t care, that’s a definite form of taking you for granted. Your partner may be under the assumption that it doesn’t matter how they treat you because you will always be around. It could also be that your partner doesn’t understand the importance of special occasions. It is heartbreaking for your partner to forget your anniversary and your birthday, but on the other hand when it comes to his friends and family members’ birthdays, he doesn’t even need to be reminded. You are left with no choice but to conclude that you are nothing but a mere accessory to decorate and give him status in society.
Of course, not all people are naturally romantic and not all people are comfortable performing romantic gestures. But there is no reason your partner can’t do small romantic gestures to make you happy, if that’s what you want or need. If you have expressed this time and time again and your partner hasn’t budges, there’s a very real chance you are also an accessory. Why would someone choose to ignore the needs of the person they love? It is sad that there are people in relationships, but are being sexually starved. Even if they complain, they do not get any help. They are in dilemmas because in public they appear happy and in love, but the minute they get indoors, the story changes.
For some, the partner doesn’t even care to ask about his day. Maybe they don’t ask because they don’t think to. Maybe they don’t care. Maybe they don’t ask because they assume they know how your day went. Or maybe they don’t ask because they just take for granted that you are partners in crime who need to keep sharing in order to maintain a close connection. Either way, not checking in with you or asking you about your life is a subtle way to show that they lack concern for your total happiness. Your happiness and your feelings are not something your partner should ever take for granted, especially not on a regular basis. This is behavior that screams “unhealthy relationship” and if you feel in your gut that you deserve better, you probably do.
You do all kinds of stuff to make your partner happy, from cooking a meal, to being sweet, to doing big, complicated favors. And your partner never says “thank you.” This could mean that your partner has come to expect this kind of treatment. That it’s their normal, and they don’t see it as you doing anything you shouldn’t already be doing. They often don’t realise all you do until you stop doing it. This is a classic example of your partner taking you for granted.
A little appreciation is nice, especially from the one you love. But maybe your partner doesn’t appreciate you. And no matter how much you give or do, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. When your partner stops seeing all of the things you do for them as wonderful, giving acts of kindness and starts seeing them as everyday life, or stops noticing them at all, it doesn’t just damage your relationship. It damages your self-esteem.
No one deserves to be turned into an accessory, just used for show off. Love and care must prevail.
