A HEARTBREAK is more than just an emotional defeat to some, the pain is very real. At one point or another, everyone must experience this mind numbing feeling (unless you confine yourself to yourself and never let anyone into your space) but this is not possible because as humans we have to interact, we cannot live outside being close to that we hold dear. Heartbreaks can be caused by many different circumstances and that is what makes this emotion easily recognised by nearly every person on the planet.
It can result from the loss of a loved one, a partner, a friend and even a close pet. It can be caused by disappointment, betrayal or a change from a known type of love. It might not even be a loss at all but a sense of loss, or the realisation that the person you care most for is drifting away from you.
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical.
Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship are the first steps to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love; it does not make sense to be terrorised by those that we love.
This week our column is about a woman who suffered in the hands of an abuser and had her heart broken when the abuser left her.
I know a lot of people in the world had some encounter with abuse in their very own homes and some are still living with their abusers hoping things will one day change. I want them to realise they are not alone. I learnt it the hard way in life.
My ex-husband abused me and broke my heart by leaving me when in fact, I should have been the one to leave him, but because of the love I had for him I always wanted to make it work and I somehow hoped things would get better.
My ex-husband made it his duty to make me feel bad about myself; he made me believe I was nothing and he broke the mirror I saw myself in and convinced me that I was who he saw me as. I loved the fact that he was in charge of things at home. I turned all this into a beautiful picture and convinced myself his love for me was special and he wanted the best for me.
I had always loved wearing make-up and I enjoyed it. However, when I got married to my ex-husband I started asking why I bothered wearing make-up. He told me that I was ‘‘beautiful and perfect’’ without it and I desperately believed him. Then he began laying out my clothes for me and telling me what to wear and what not to wear and this was his way of being able to choose what I wore.
I did not realise that this man was taking charge of my own life and I denied seeing it in an abusive way, all I saw was a loving man who was concerned about the way their wife looked.
There are so many things that happened in that house that were clear indications for me to leave him but I stayed with him because I loved him and I desperately wanted to make things work.
I remember at some point my ex-husband even told me what to say and would even finish off sentences for me. He was intelligent and educated and I on the other hand had two passes at O-level. He often teased me about how I was a disappointment and how I had failed to attain the 5 O-levels that are recognised.
At first it was a joke but he took it too far and would publicly humiliate me in front of our mostly “educated” friends.
I lost my self-esteem and I dreaded the visits and functions that included these people that saw me as a no one. My ex-husband had no respect for me whatsoever and it did not bother me much because I loved him and my job was to make him happy and that meant sacrificing my own happiness.
He was verbally abusive and foul-mouthed, he could just run his mouth at any time and not feel bad about doing it and he always told me that he did me a favour when he married me and that I owed him my life. We often laughed about it and it is only now that I realise that it was not a funny joke but a justification to abusing me.
My ex-husband cut me off from the outside world because I hated interacting with people I felt inferior to and that was a downfall for me because the love I knew was the abusive love at home and I never got to share my experiences with people that might have actually helped me. My job was to stay at home and I even had to ask for permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone to which he mostly objected to.
I had the misfortune to be in an abusive marriage for many years, but not seeing it and doing something about it. I am hoping that the break I have now will be my new passport to freedom and newly-found self-esteem.
I never left him because I think sometimes as humans we simply learn to live with the heartache that persists, after all my life was defined by my marriage and so without him I would amount to nothing. I was miserable and hurting most of the times but enduring emptiness and nothingness remained my motto for a very long time. I know most people (me included) think I should have left him before he left but unless you have really and truly given your life, heart and soul to someone thinking it is forever, you will never understand why I stayed for so long yet I was miserable.
I have had the worst heartbreak ever because after abusing me and killing my self-esteem he walked out on me and started a life with someone else. How cruel can one be. I was content with being abused, there were times when I complained but I never even one day imagined that he would leave me because I was his own creation.
I have a heartbreak that is not getting better. I watched him start a relationship with another woman, he knew that I could see but I still did not say anything. It really hurt that he would put everything down to me, like I am some unreasonable crazy person, I was not. It was so frustrating that he could not see that he was ruining my everything and I was even okay with being abused just to save our marriage.
He absolutely refused to listen when I desperately begged him to stay with me. I pleaded, cried, reasoned. I talked of all the happy memories we had and all the moments we shared. The night before he left for good he had been kissing and cuddling me and telling me how much he loved me and how special I was!
The very next day he could not see one reason to even try to save our relationship and, true to form as the most stubborn person I have ever met, had made his mind up. It ended with him telling me he had fallen in love with someone else and that I had to accept it.
I tried to beg him to stay — I humiliated myself and I remember there are times I would call them crying fits of sadness hoping they would hear me out and forgive me for what I had not done. I had hoped with each day it would get easier, but so far each day only makes the pain intense as the reality of life without the man I love becomes clearer. I still do not know what to do with myself and the pain, I am in so much pain and I am broken.
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