The Sunday News
Mbuso Ndlovu
IF it isn’t broken, don’t fix it, so goes a common saying. But in marital relationship if it’s not working and not fixable, run as far away as you can. That might just save your life.
The world united against racism under the #BlackLivesMatter galvanised by the death of George Floyd at the hands of racist US police. Sportsmen took a knee in a show of solidarity.
Likewise, this year’s 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence (GBV) could have been more relevant and effective in sending the message across if the world had adopted athlete Agnes Jebet Tirop as the focal point.
On October 13, just weeks before the world marked the 16 Days campaign Again Gender-Based Violence (GBV), the international media broke the shocking news that Tirop (25) had been stabbed to death in her Kenyan home.
Her live-in boyfriend, whom she regarded as a husband who was nowhere to be found was the chief suspect.
Weeks earlier in August, Tirop had represented Kenya at the Tokyo Olympics in Japan where she finished fourth.
In September, the double World 10 000m bronze medallist and 2015 World Cross Country champion, had smashed the 10km World record at the Road to Records Event in Germany setting a new record of 30:01 shaving 28 seconds off the previous record.
Tirop made history when in 2015 she became the second youngest ever gold medallist in women cross country championships after South Africa’s icon Zola Budd.
Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta paid tribute to the young athlete as “a hero by all measures”, while the USA embassy in Nairobi described her as “a figure of hope for women in sport.”
Her story mirrors that of many girls and women in toxic relationships.
It must be noted that the majority of sexual relations do not end up in fatal encounters lest we find ourselves entrenched in misogyny and misandry.
Tirop’s successes show that it doesn’t matter how rich or poor a woman can be, how widely travelled or connected they might be, educated or not, urban or rural — some men just won’t brook modern times gender equity.
Some are in fact threatened by the success of their women instead of celebrating them.
One wonders, should upward social mobility via marriage be based on male positions only or it goes either way. If the woman is more successful financially, would she have married herself if she assists with paying lobola and does he become his wife’s bride. What of “housebands” when it’s clear the wife can be the sole breadwinner as in Tirop’s case.
Tirop’s “husband” Ibrahim Rotich, who has since been arrested, was a very bitter and controlling partner, reports said.
He felt threatened and emasculated by her presence as he chose not to work.
The usual controlling streaks in relationships include telling the wife how to dress or walk, who to talk to and even what to cook. Some even bring girlfriends home and order the wife to watch.
Unfortunately, a woman who has been through a lot of torture both mentally and physically will put up with such abuse. Recently we saw a Harare woman, baby on her back, delivering food to her husband at a police station.
The man had been arrested at a sex party in Kuwadzana where men and women had converged for random sex and beer. Instead of empathy some observers lambasted the woman, who most likely was only worried about his job and her child’s life.
Another woman in Masvingo was advised to abandon her home and return to her relatives in Rujeko by social media commentators.
Her security guard husband had moved in with a Masvingo Poly chemical engineering student.
The wife appeared to be under his spell and had forgiven him numerous times for his shenanigans and was sticking it out once more.
But when it comes to abuse there is no second chance.
This shows that whether rich or poor there must be other factors that need to be unravelled to understand the issue of violence.
As much as we can’t tell whether one is a criminal by merely looking at him, can’t we be more proactive. Lie detector tests before marriage to ascertain sincerity on the part of partners could be handy.
It appears from the onset Tirop’s relationship was doomed.
According to the media her father said he never met her partner or his family. She left school in Form 3 and eloped, thus cut off from her relatives.
That’s how the man wanted it.
He now had total control over her and her business.
Red flags were everywhere. For instance, he appointed himself her unofficial manager and forced her to surrender all her wealth to him.
All her houses, plots and cars were in his name. It didn’t end there. Trainers were told where and where not to touch her and how to train her by a non-professional.
Women generally are proud of their homes but this owner of several houses moved in to stay at a training camp just 5km from her home — another red flag.
That no friends or relatives were allowed to visit her except vetted by her partner was yet another red flag but nobody took notice.
While she was in Tokyo, Japan, for the Olympics, some of her property had been sold without her knowledge.
A total of 12 plots and several luxury cars were sold or given away by her boyfriend who lived off her sweat.
It is alleged when she returned from the Tokyo Olympics she was beaten up over 20 000 shillings that he had demanded from her.
She then moved to the training centre hostel before and after her Germany record breaking feat.
A fellow athlete and friend who was privy to her domestic problems mediated between the couple and in good faith, took her home from the centre.
That was the last time she was seen alive. The friend was trying to mend the relationship but on the very first day he had beaten her the abuser was not supposed to have been given a second chance.
It could only get worse.
Siya Lucas, presenter of eTV’s “Dare Lie To Me” asks what happened to good neighbourliness?
When neighbours can’t enter each other’s yard, who will extinguish the burning house next door? Indeed, the abusive partner makes sure nobody is welcome unless they were on his side or could be convinced he has his victim’s interests at heart.
Successful female athletes are exposed to abuse. According to a retired Marathon champion Mary Keitany, virtually everyone wants a piece of the pie.
Agents, coaches, families, a whole clan all look up to one person. Families are convinced to drop girls from school so that they spend time overseas on the track.
The huge cash rewards are too much to handle for the young girls who are manipulated to hand over control to parents, spouses, boyfriends or agents.
Mary (39), whose door is always open to female athletes in need of advice, is a rare breed as she runs her own businesses.
She feels female athletes must not be seen as superwomen who must bear children, quickly shed weight and return to the track in order to bring food on the table for a large clan.
Hence, they often struggle to cope with the success on the track.
Agnes Jebet Tirop, a symbol of women success at the highest level must now be a symbol of the fight against gender violence. Indeed, hypergamy must be encouraged if the world is to be a better place and nobody must be left behind in the noble fight for peace, love and harmony in the home.
Her internationally acclaimed status and easily recognisable face could not protect Tirop but her death can awaken the world to the classless nature of the problem on our hands.
One shudders to think how exposed the poor unknown women and girls, boys and men out there must be. Femicide is real. Our mothers, sisters, daughters must never be sacrificed all in the name of love.
If it’s not working, don’t force it and never allow anyone to guilt-trip you at the expense of life.
