The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
THERE is nothing as hurtful as having a problem which is very difficult to share as it brings nothing more than shame. Having a sexless marriage is heartbreaking, but it is one problem most couples have managed to keep secret stretching for more than 10 years.
Yes, it tears one apart, but at the same time it’s not an easy issue to share with someone.
It’s sad to have your relationship crumbling from being a couple to just roommates with little or no form of sexual intimacy.
A sexless marriage is not just about weeks or a few months of no sex, like couples do when children start coming into the picture, or when they are apart due to distance, I am talking about married couples living under the same roof and haven’t had sex for over one, two, three and more years.
A sexless marriage breaks people like nothing else. Constantly being denied sex by a spouse leaves your mind wandering in confusion and frustration.
Unfortunately, some of these people who deny their partners sex come up with flimsy excuses such as not being in the mood, being tired or chanting that sex is not food.
Some will even claim to be on 180 days prayers and fasting just to escape any form of intimacy with their sexually starved spouses.
It may be accompanied by many nights of humiliating rejection.
Unfortunately, this is one of the most shameful secrets some married couples never reveal. They hide this state of their marriage from family and friends alike to avoid shame.
Sex is an indescribable intense pleasure and one of the most powerful components that makes marriage interesting. Couples who are not having sex are missing out on the bonding moments in marriage.
Some cases of sexless marriages start off little by little until the sex life of the couple involved hits rock bottom.
It is usually of little concern when a couple is really not interested in having sex with each other, it only becomes a problem if one partner has no interest whatsoever, while the other is very much interested and desperately in need of intimacy. Withholding or denying such a partner sex in a marriage may bring them indescribable pain.
Sex is what gives life to a marriage and lack of it destroys it. You hurt, you stop spending time together, jokes are no longer funny and the bond between you and your spouse gradually starts to fade, your marriage suffers.
Possible reasons for sexless marriage include anger, resentment, passive aggression, side effects of medication, addiction to self sex and pornography, depression, history of sexual abuse, sexually transmitted infections, homosexuality and infidelity.
Sex matters a great deal in marriage and denying your spouse sex is a very frustrating and confusing experience to endure.
The physical withdrawal alone is torturous, but worse is the emotional trauma that the person you swore to love till you breathe your last all of a sudden becomes a total stranger in bed.
If you are the spouse withholding sex, what exactly is your game plan? For how much longer would you deny your partner their conjugal right? I hope you will be comfortable if they go outside to seek sexual satisfaction.
If you insist on not having it, do you want them to remain faithful and married to you? You are simply cold blooded, selfish and heartless. You had better start communicating, opening up to your spouse, tell them the truth and stop taking their love and loyalty for granted.
It may not be easy at first trying to rekindle your lost sex life but you both need to make that conscious effort to have a healthier and more intimate marriage. Put sex on your schedule.
If reasons are that your partner lacks good hygiene, is overweight or turns you off, then open up. If you are denying your partner sex because you have a sexually transmitted infection and you are trying to protect them from getting infected, it is better you let them know.
Factor your partner into whatever you may be going through, they will either go through it with you or they quit, whichever way, you won’t have to live with the guilt of keeping them in the dark and acting wickedly.
And if you have held on faithfully or you even strayed a few times for the months or years of sexual denial, it is time you stopped begging your spouse for sexual attention if they are not willing to have sex with you.
Something has to give, help them decide what works best for you from now on. And if they open up to you eventually and it is something that requires you to step up in certain aspects, it is best you step up.
A sexless marriage is torturous, remind your partner that you never agreed to be roommates, but meant serious business!
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