The Sunday News
Aunt Charity
AS we commemorate the 16 days of activism let us all take time to walk in the shoes of those that have had a firsthand encounter with domestic violence both as victims and perpetrators. Last week I changed my Facebook profile picture in support of the 16 days of activism and I instantly received an inbox from someone suggesting that I have joined the “trend”.
I tried to explain that it is not a trend, but a real issue and seeing as the person was insisting it was what they labelled it; I decided to let it go to avoid an unnecessary exchange of words. As I was typing out my messages, I felt a rush through my blood and my BP threatening to shoot up because of some of the things this “ignorant” person had to say. It took me back to a couple of weeks when I facilitated an all-women workshop and sisterhood bonds were formed and people felt comfortable to share their life experiences after I had shared with them that someone had attacked me and labelled me a feminist that is angry at the world for nothing.
In that particular workshop, I cried so hard and made up for all the years I held back the tears I should have let out. That very same day I extended my heart, I instantly fell in love with strangers, not that I was throwing a pity party, but I began to understand why some women are the way they are. Back in the day my involvement in such initiatives was on a surface level or work-related and it meant very little to me, but this year I went on a voluntary basis with the mind to channel my facilitation fees towards a certain project for underprivileged women and not pocket it.
I facilitated the workshop with my soul, body and spirit all in one; I used different ways to reach out to these women and the scars they carried made me tremble under the sound of their voices as they shared their experiences and even with some of the brave ones coming out as perpetrators because of what had happened sometime in their lives.
One of the participants read out a beautiful poem that moved people as it was filled with so many packed words that evoked emotions. I was lost in the words and my imagination had wandered as she read out the poem. At the end of it all trying to bring back myself back to facilitation I asked her how she had wrote such an amazing poem and if she could share her work with me as I had taken interest. The response she gave me floored me because I did not expect it, she turned and looked me in the eyes and said “When I was 11 everything I read out today happened to me, I was raped by my very own father”.
That minute there was a deafening silence and I wished I had not asked that question because in my preparations for that workshop I had not put such talk into consideration. I was tongue-tied, which rarely happens to me, as I usually have something to say about such issues. Issues I had read about in newspapers, I had heard stories being told, I had watched it on television and I have been in a room full of people with such experiences, but I had never been with someone that had experienced it firsthand in the flesh.
I cannot begin to even write about what happened to me at that very moment because I can go on and on, but in all this I realised that at times someone you sit next to, talk to everyday can be a victim and yet we hardly talk about it. I know not so many initiatives make it an everyday thing to tackle such social ills that happen right in our eyes, I have decided to make it my business to at least raise my awareness about such issues. I am not trying to change the world overnight, but I believe as people we can make a difference in people’s lives.
The cold hard truths that were shared in that workshop gave me a huge task and I want it to go beyond the hugs and tears, but for it not to be talked about because it is not happening, not because it is hard to talk about. The best way to change the world is to change people’s minds. The zero percent gender violence is possible, it all starts with the right mindset so before you raise your finger, unbelt your trousers and force yourself on someone I challenge you to walk in their shoes first and think about the after effects of your actions. This year’s theme “Count me in” means just that in every sense because my involvement is not financially driven but I want to extend a hand to making a difference.
A number of factors, including intimidation of the survivor by the perpetrator, fear of not being believed, of being blamed and shunned, of being interrogated, re-traumatised, labelled and pitied, contribute to the silence of victims. Stop the victim-blaming and start showing the world that the wrong people have been ashamed all this time and activism implies action and action starts with conversation. Nothing changes until it is understood and nothing is understood until it is out in the open. I have over the years learnt that talking about issues eases and makes the burden lighter so talk about gender based violence and do not let the topic remain a passing complaint.
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