The Sunday News
Obey Sibanda, Features Reporter
“PLEASE can I at least relieve myself, I’m hard-pressed.” Those were the pleas of a hapless alleged “cheating” 15-year-old girl at the hands of two angry men accusing her of two timing them. Instead of releasing the girl, Courcious Tshuma and Martin Moyo mercilessly tortured her ordering her to soil herself in front of them.
The blood-curdling incident was captured on video and it went viral on social media networks which led to a public outcry with many demanding that the two men be identified and arrested. Every member of the society including lawyers who were disturbed by the video took it upon themselves to help identify the two men by sharing the information in various WhatsApp groups which led to their arrest.
Barely a week after the unfortunate incident, a heavy built man in his early 50s, a Mr Antony Mdlongwa, senior teacher at an elite college in town was captured on B-Metro’s unapologetic lenses being throbbed by his alleged two angry mistresses who accidentally clashed in town.
His distress calls for freedom fell on deaf ears as the two no-nonsense women continued meting justice on him with whatever was at their disposal, in the process injuring and damaging his top of the range BMW car much to the amusement of by standers and passersby comprising of both men and women who hailed the women for their boldness.
Mr Mdlongwa could not do anything other than try and hold them off. It was very difficult for him, knowing that if he retaliated, he was going to be judged by spectators as the one who had caused the fracas. “Can you please forgive me, I can explain,” that is what he could only say.
Like in the above scenario one would expect the very same “sympathetic and compassionate” society to react in the same manner by demanding the arrest of these women or at least rescue the disgraced man, instead they cheered and showered the two women with praises. No one fought in Mdlongwa’s corner. Everyone was joyful that the “cheating” man is getting what he deserved until he managed to free himself and sped off.
Mr Mdlongwa is one of a growing number of male victims of domestic abuse. Abuse of men happens far more often than we might expect in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life, regardless of age or occupation.
Gender-Based Violence (GBV) against men is a growing national public health problem. Research shows that, every sixth man in Zimbabwe says he has been aggressively pushed by his partner. Ten percent were mildly slapped, “painfully kicked,” or had objects thrown at them and this goes unreported.
According to Izinsizwa, a men’s forum, the issue of under-reporting is more pronounced among men in abusive relationships. Abused men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they will not be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge.
“Men are like a fly stuck on a spider’s web, they fear to be judged by the society they are living in for somehow failing in their role as a male, husband, or father. They fear appearing unmanly, shame, embarrassment, and a failure to live up to masculine ideals. When men become victims of domestic violence, they usually find it hard to seek help. They are ashamed to admit they are vulnerable and fear no one will believe them,” said Izinsizwa.
Clearly, with many men suffering in silence and experiencing feelings such as depression and anxiety, much more needs to be done for them to feel both encouraged and comfortable with opening up and taking that first step towards help.
Unlike abused women who get help from every corner of the society, not taking away that there is more that still need to be done for female victims, many men are left licking wounds. The video of Mr Mdlongwa being beaten went viral on social media platforms.
One would expect the same society, including lawyers that disgraced the two Plumtree men to vile against this evil, use the same lenses they used to view the cruelty that befell the unlucky Plumtree girl, but his situation was portrayed on the internet and comedy programmes in the context of humour, consequently he became the joke of the internet and was left to deal with his victimisation on his own.
Like abused women, men need to be protected. There are clichés that suggest that a victim must be small, soft, and weak — especially if the victim is a man. Mdlongwa is heavily built but he was walloped by two slim women.
One thing that needs to change however, is for men to demonstrate that there is nothing wrong with talking about and expressing abuse. This may encourage the younger generation of boys to grow up viewing this show of vulnerability as accepted behaviour, as well as a sign of strength rather than a weakness.
Raymond Masuku who was in an abusive relationship recounts his life in the hands of abusive wife.
“No matter how hard I wriggled and fought, I couldn’t break free of the feelings of despair and hopelessness. One time she whirled insults and slapped me — and I pushed her off me, she ran to the telephone and called the police and in no time, I was in a police van”.
Masuku said he was made to feel “useless” because he was unemployed and his children were used as a “tool” with threats to leave. Another gender-based violence victim Brian Mpofu said throughout his childhood, he does not have any recollection of hearing adult males talking openly about abuse at the hands of their spouses.
“The messages were more about men being brave, that men don’t cry, as a result I found it hard to see myself as a victim of domestic violence. But this can come at a huge cost. Domestic abuse is not limited to violence. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging. Abused men may face a shortage of resources, a lack of understanding from friends and family, and legal obstacles, especially if trying to gain custody of their children from an abusive mother,” he said.
A prominent lawyer highlighted that most men worry that if they leave, their spouse will harm their children or prevent them from having access to their children.
“Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, but even if you are confident that you can do so, you may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising them alone,” he observed.
Regardless of gender, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy. It becomes even harder if you have been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down.
Just as with female domestic violence victims, denying that there is a problem in relationships will only prolong the abuse.
“You may still love your partner when they’re not being abusive and believe they will change or that you can help them. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behaviour and seeks professional treatment,” said Masuku.
Bulawayo police spokesperson Inspector Abednico Ncube however, encouraged gender-based violence victims to report perpetrators regardless of gender and age.
“The law does not segregate. Victims must come to our victim friendly officers and get help”.
Society must treat all gender-based violence in the same manner regardless of gender and creed and one’s social status. Men need to be protected too from clutches of violent women. Violent women need to be educated that being violent against your partner does not prove that they are dominant and strong but rather reduces their respect in the society.
