The Sunday News
Hi Sis
Noe I’M a 27-year-old woman and my partner is slowly killing our sex life. He compares me to every other woman he has slept with saying I don’t have a multiple orgasm during sex like them so that means he is not good at sex. I don’t always climax during sex and he sees that as a problem. — Help.
Reply
On the contrary, I need you to help me. Help me understand why you put up with someone who treats you this way and makes you feel like this? For a start, he is lying to you. Unless he is extremely inexperienced, it is statistically impossible that every woman he has slept with has multiple orgasms, or is able to climax on command in diverse positions. This is a fantasy he may have internalised via the porn industry, experienced sex workers or women who are so programmed to please that they fake orgasms. It’s perfectly normal for a woman — or man — not to climax sometimes. My guess is your partner is actually extremely insecure, has no idea how a woman’s body works and needs to put you down to make up for his inadequacies. Unfortunately, there is now an internet-spawned expectation of orgasm, and many other aspects of sexuality, that amounts to tyranny. If this man is open to receiving real education about how to please you, you could consider teaching him. If not, find someone more deserving of your refreshing sexual authenticity.
Hi Sis Noe
I’m 25 years old but since having a baby two years ago I have lost my libido. My husband thinks that I no longer love him but I do. It’s just that sex feels like a chore. The problem is me, not him. — Worried.
Reply
Relax, and reassure your partner that it is common and typical for a woman to experience reduced sexual desire after childbirth and when the children are toddlers. This is partly due to hormonal changes — which usually return to default settings after a while. But also, as you well know, caring for young children is tiring, stressful and demanding, and those challenges in themselves can lower sexual interest. Let your partner know about any extra help you might need from him that could reduce your overall fatigue; feeling fully supported by a partner can be a turn-on in itself. Try to find a way to balance your life — perhaps with a little childcare help from a friend or relative — so you can re-establish your romantic connection with him. Sexual interest will follow. But neither of you should expect a fully consistent sex life; during your lives together there will be many normal sexual changes, whether due to illness, work stress, ageing and so on. Knowing this in advance, and being prepared to support each other, is the key.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 23-year-old man in a relationship for three years. I love my girlfriend and the sex is fantastic. But when I use a condom, I cannot reach orgasm. Most of the time, I can’t even ejaculate. My girlfriend is usually not satisfied either. What should we do? — Worried.
Reply
Let’s start with the obvious: the reason you are using condoms, and whether they are necessary. Being sexually safe is always a priority, but within a committed, monogamous relationship where there is mutual trust, it is sometimes a better option to use another type of birth control. Beyond that men who find that condoms reduce sensation to the point where they can’t reach orgasm can experiment with different types, such as a thinner variety. Sometimes, it is a case of trying different makes until you find a better fit. Most commonly, it is the act of stopping the erotic encounter to fiddle with the packet that breaks concentration and reduces excitement. In this case, partners can help by eroticising the donning of condoms. There are also many non-insertive ways to orgasm, so give your girlfriend an orgasm, then remove the condom and enjoy a safe finish without it. It is easy to get stuck in a rut of following the same sexual pattern every time, so never be afraid to vary it — especially for such a good reason. Having a conversation with your girlfriend about all this would be a smart, preliminary choice.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 25-year-old woman and I am a virgin. There is no particular reason for this: I simply have not met anybody I thought necessary to have sex with. Now I have a boyfriend and I am wondering if I should tell him that I am sexually inexperienced? — Help.
Reply
It should not a big deal. And it is not necessary to make any kind of “confession”. Since every individual has a unique sexuality, having experience or not is not particularly relevant. Some people are delighted, relieved — even feel safer — when they find a less “experienced” partner. Sexuality with another person is largely an expression of how one feels about that partner, so relax and allow your sexual response to this man to be an authentic physical conversation. The best way to connect sexually is to listen — to their words and their bodies — and to be fearless and open about communicating your own needs. Try not to think of sex as a challenging performance for which you need a good review. Ideally, it should always be a non-pressured experience, with each person taking responsibility for his or her own pleasure. Try to focus on having fun, leaving intercourse or the things that are more daunting for you until you have established a high level of non-penetrative eroticism.
Hi Sis Noe
These days I get dry during sex with my husband. I don’t know what is wrong with me but can you help me to be able to get wet always. — Worried.
Reply Just like male erectile failure, a female arousal disorder can become a vicious cycle. After a couple of experiences when the naturally occurring vaginal lubrication that signals arousal and helps ease penetration fails to occur, a woman can begin to be anxious about it — and fearful of the pain that occurs with dry penetration. The more she worries, the less likely it is that lubrication will occur. Sometimes this cycle can lead to a more serious disorder where vaginal muscle spasms prevent intercourse altogether. As we age, we take a little longer to become physically aroused. Instead of passively allowing your partner to proceed, ask him to be more patient. Tell him what he might do — in detail — that would help to excite and prepare you more. If necessary, show him exactly how you like to be touched. Never allow him to enter you until you are completely ready. Dry and painful sex is unpleasant for both of you. Using over-the-counter lubricants can sometimes help to reduce the worry and pain, but it is most important to address the cause. Take responsibility for your own sexual experience, and teach him how to listen to your body. SOULMATES Soulmates is back next Sunday. Send your requests starting today — the deadline for requests is Wednesday. Any requests sent after Wednesday will not be entertained. Send your requests to -0773111328.
