The Sunday News
Thandekile Moyo
PARENTS always want the best for their children. I truly believe that from before the day your child is born, you already have plans, hopes and dreams for their future. We all want our children to be prosperous, successful and happy.
We also all wish for super intelligent and clever children. I have heard people look at their sons playing and exclaiming, “this one is a little Ronaldo!’ All my friends claim their kids are the sharpest. From when they are young, we start paving the way for what we want our children to eventually become.
Some parents want their children to succeed in whatever they choose to do. Some want their children to follow in their footsteps and achieve that which they failed to achieve themselves, when they were young.
We take our kids to church because we want them to be God-fearing, good citizens. We send them to school so that they become doctors, lawyers or professionals in other fields. We have an idea of success, so deeply entrenched in us that we do not expect or accept any deviations from it.
This is great when our children are young, for they need guidance and hand-holding in this big wild world. Trouble comes when they grow and start to have their own dreams, hopes and plans. This is the time when your little pilot breaks it to you that he actually just wants to be a Roman Catholic priest. This is that heart wrenching moment when your budding lawyer tells you she has met a wonderful guy and all she wants is to move to his rural home and be a housewife. All this after you have spent $184 906 on her education from pre-school to universities of her choice!
Depression rears its ugly head when our daughters get impregnated by “low lives” despite having drummed into them all their lives that books before boys is the way to go! Thoughts of suicide enter the heads of parents whose handsome little boy, who is now a successful paediatrician, wants to spend his life with some boy with a weird perm instead of sweet MaDu, the Dubes’ daughter you had hoped he would marry. I’m sure many a parent has contemplated murdering their child who prefers to spend all his time watching TV; getting fatter and fatter in their home instead of going out there to look for a job.
Children grow up, show us they want different things from what we want for them and parents get a rude awakening to the fact that they have lost all control of the humans they created.
On the other hand, children expect a lot from their parents. They expect love, protection, provision and presence. They expect that their parents’ lives must revolve around them to the point that they expect parents to sacrifice their own happiness for theirs.
Children whose parents are divorcing feel betrayed that their father or mother wants to move out. Subconsciously, they expect their parents to stay together, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness, freedom and sometimes safety.
Some children have been bitter all their lives because one of their parents, or both, decided to leave them with grandparents because they wanted to migrate to other countries or get married again. They expect their parents to put their lives on hold for their sake and if that does not happen, they harbour anger and resentment, sometimes forever.
I know many people whose parents remarried when they were children and they have never forgiven them for it. When one parent dies, or leaves; some children expect the remaining parent to remain single forever, for their sake. They do not care that their parent needs companionship, financial assistance and romantic love, no! They want their parent’s life to revolve around them.
It is human nature to believe that we own other humans and that other humans owe us something. Parents feel betrayed when their children show them that they have their own plans for their lives, totally different from what the parents had hoped for. Children are shocked when they discover their parents have their own dreams, independent or divorced from parenthood.
We need to realise that we are all individuals before we are any role we may choose to take on. We need to acknowledge that in as much as we may have grand, well-meaning and beautiful plans for the people in our lives, they have their own plans for themselves, which could be totally different from ours. Their plans may or may not include us and that is not a crime.
Nobody owes us anything. People grant us love, loyalty and consideration out of the “goodness” of their hearts. We do not own anybody. Just because you gave birth to them or they gave birth to you does not mean they belong to you. People belong to themselves. They let us in at will.
I have seen wives sink into depression because their husbands do not want to be with them anymore. I have heard people crying “why would she do this to me?’ I have also gone through periods where I felt certain people owed me respect and their loyalty. I guess it’s only natural to feel that way. But the sad truth is that people have the right to serve themselves first before considering you. People do not necessarily do things to us, they do things to please themselves and unfortunately in pleasing themselves they may hurt us.
I am yet to meet a husband who cheats on his wife simply to hurt her feelings. No. They cheat because it makes them happy at that time. Children do not set out to hurt their parents when they deviate from the set path, they stray because they think they’ll find happiness their own way.
This has me thinking that people have a right to be free. We are free to make our choices about how we want to live our lives and with whom.
Unfortunately, because our lives are interconnected, absolute freedom, is impossible. The moment your freedom encroaches on the freedom of another, you have the option to revoke your freedom or face the consequences. Freedom always comes at a price. We need to understand that having the right to do something does not mean that it is the right thing or the best thing to do.
The person affected by your freedom also has the right and freedom not to tolerate the fact that you want that freedom. You are free to pursue drawing instead of law but your parents are free to fund only the studies they want you to pursue. You are free to cheat on your wife but she is free to do the same or to dump you. You are free to remarry but your children are free not to like it or the person you choose.
We need to grow to a point where we can set each other free. When set free, we need to also appreciate that freedom comes with responsibility. In giving freedom we free ourselves. We do not own anybody but ourselves, but our actions can make people want to belong to us. We cannot control anyone except ourselves, but our actions can cause others to want to be under our control. Loyalty, respect and freedom are earned.
We are just a group of individuals trying to find our way. Before I am your mother, your daughter, your sister, your girlfriend and aunt; I am just a girl trying to find personal happiness. You don’t own me. I don’t owe you. I love you because I want to. I am yours because I choose to be. I also appreciate the fact that I do not own you. You do not owe me. Because I am conscious of those facts, I will go out of my way to deserve a place in your life and hope you do the same. I also appreciate and anticipate that in our pursuit of personal happiness, at some point we will disappoint, betray and hurt each other, without meaning to and regrettably.
