The Sunday News
Tendai Rupapa, Harare Bureau
CONCERNED over rising divorce cases and marital issues affecting young couples’ marriages, First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa yesterday used her radio talk show to discuss courtship, during which it was generally agreed that partners should take time to know each other before marriage.
Rarely have such issues been discussed publicly, but the First Lady roped in experts to offer meaningful lessons to the youths. The talk show titled Matalks Namhoms was aired on StarFM, where listeners had an opportunity to phone in with their views.
The name of the programme is couched in modern street lingo, which most youths identify with as a way of persuading them to tune in. Veteran broadcaster Itayi Takaendesa, popularly known as Iyati, was moderator of the enthralling programme that dwelt on courtship issues.
Amai Mnangagwa, a youth advisor, Tete Mai Pinjisi (known as Tete open for business), a young woman called Evernice Makaikai and a young man called Malcolm Motsi were the panellists.
In a brief introductory statement, the First Lady said she came up with the programme after learning during her countrywide tours doing her Gota/Nhanga/Ixhiba programme that youths were unaware of how to go about courtship.
“I went to all provinces with the Nhanga/Gota/Ixhiba programme with the aim of counselling today’s youths.
“During those travels, we discovered that many children were getting lost in knowing the right time for marriage, with some rushing into marriage before the time is ripe.”
Some youths, she said, were eloping before getting guidance from their aunts or grandparents, leading to the collapse of their marriages.
“We found this issue as interesting and fulfilling because if not handled properly, it brings problems in some marriages. We want to discuss at which stage should a boy and girl find it suitable to date. We want the boy to tell us what it is that prompts him to propose love to a girl and what the girl looks for in a boy wooing her. That is where the story begins,” she said.
During the lively deliberations, Evernice was asked about the qualities she looks for in a man. The moderator also asked her to justify some of the points she raised.
“As someone who looks forward to getting married, there are things I look at beyond the physical appearance,” she said.
“One of the key points is integrity: does he have values? Can I be able to stand with him and not be ashamed?
“Is he responsible with the way he dresses and lives? Can he support my dreams and goals? We also look at things like does he understand how I feel? Is he understanding? Is he not abusive verbally and physically?
“Can he stand by you? Is he someone who protects you? A good man must not rebuke me in public but tell me later in private where I would have erred.”
Evernice said she needed someone who can provide and someone who is hardworking and can sustain the family.
“He must have leadership qualities. If he can’t lead, there will be a problem. All these things will then trigger the spark,” she added.
Malcolm said in most cases the first thing that attracts a boy to a woman is her physical attraction.
“Every guy has a type of woman that they like. Some love ‘yellow-bones’ while others love ‘tsubvu-bones’. Some go for the stout ones while others go for the slender type,” he said.
“So as boys, you approach someone you are attracted to because you want to be proud standing next to them.
“After this, you then start looking into other qualities. Personally, I am from a Christian background and I want a girl who worships God. I am not after a prayer warrior but someone who fears God.”
In response, the First Lady asked Evernice if boys who possess the qualities she mentioned were still there.
She also asked Malcom some questions relating to what he had said.
“Evernice, my daughter, do we still have boys with the qualities you have highlighted? Looking at our culture as Zimbabweans and the modern times we are living, are these qualities you have highlighted still available and will you not spend much time looking for such a person and fail to get him?
“Malcolm, you said you will get a girl from church, but it is not everyone who goes to church. Maybe at church you fail to get her so where will you get the right girl? You should understand that where you get this girl will define your life and how you will live together. So if you do not get someone from church, are you not going to get married nhai mwanangu?” she asked.
Malcolm responded by saying: “The church will be a preference. And you will be stereotyping at that level and think the one who goes to church is well-grounded, but situations may differ. As I said, I am an outgoing guy who sometimes sees beautiful girls at the bars and you can be tempted to approach them.”
Tete Mai Pinjisi said she will never allow youths to skip a stage during courtship.
“This is now the aunt’s challenge. I will never allow these children to jump a stage where a pastor will just announce a wedding date,” she said.
“This is where you hear the High Court saying marriages are breaking (down) because they would have skipped an important stage. The first year to probably five years we expect the children to still be at their honeymoon stage or a stage of realising each other.”
She continued: “The honeymoon stage I am talking about is when you board a kombi, you would be asked where you are by your partner and you will be updating him or her at every bus stop.
“But if the children’s courtship is short that is where you will find problems manifesting themselves in marriage.
“That is why as an aunt I am saying children must never skip the stage of understanding each other. Malcolm must immediately tell his lover that his mother is blind, but he chooses to hide this. The girl will be seeing a sweet Malcolm who is sweet, loving and well-spoken. But is he saying the truth? While learning about each other, you should establish whether you are compatible or not.
“If you see that you are water and oil which never mix, it is better to halt things. Malcolm said he would love someone for going to church, but we have a problem with someone who thinks he can convert someone yet you end up being converted yourself. That is why we are saying people must spend more time in courtship.”
She said being married was not an academic course.
“Being married or child-bearing is not a course, neither are they achievements. Malcolm said he wants to know what a girl does for a living. This, however, means that even a girl must have a net worth. Value yourself. A man too must not just have ‘lovingtons’ and no clue of what you will eat tomorrow. A boy must run around hustling and use his brains. We are not saying he should have a car, cash, cellphone, the three Cs that are talked about.
“Girls are quick to ask what type of car one has if she is being asked for a date. Vasikana, as long as it has four wheels, it is a car; you start from there,” she said.
“People ask the type of phone someone has. Is that love? To me as an aunt, it is neither about a car nor phone.
“Even if someone comes on foot and is well-meaning, we are okay with that as ana tete.”
Iyati sought reactions from listeners on whether they are amenable to their aunties talking a lot about them in the presence of their lovers.
“Aunties start asking about someone’s rural home, totem. As a young man, Malcolm is this relevant, necessary, what do you think about it? Iyati asked.
In response, Malcolm said: “It is nice and rosy if the aunt is agreeing with you. If she comes saying she is pleased with your girlfriend, you will wear a big smile but not many of us will handle it when it becomes negative.
“When you are told the areas where your girl is wrong, that is where you see your aunt as wrong.
“You will start thinking of what your mother used to tell you about your aunt being ‘an enemy of progress’.
“So even if she means no harm you would think otherwise.”
The aunt said lovebirds must always listen to advice so that they do not live to regret their decisions.
“I am saying our children are plucking that which they will not eat. I want to say during their courtship, they should have more time learning each other. As youths they must enjoy their youth, not spoiling it. Courtship should be long so that they get coping skills and learn conflict resolution and ability to manage anger,” she said.
Youths, she added, must never concentrate on being intimate but on communication to come up with solid relationships.
Being intimate before marriage was not a passport to marriage, she said.
In her closing remarks, the First Lady said she was keen to show children the right path to follow.
“We came to show the children where we came from as Zimbabweans in our country and they told us the modern trends we have nowadays. So we combined the foundations of where we came from and modern trends because when you meet as boys and girls, the aunt will not be there and as a mother, I will not be there. You should therefore be guided on how we live in our culture.
“With the advent of modern trends, how then do I balance things and be a real person? Because to get to where I am going I should be guided by our values as blacks, because of modern trends, I will not embarrass the elders with my decisions. With the girl I will meet, I will know what to expect which will dovetail with my family values. We sought to make children see where we come from and the modern trends.
“Our children are ruined by drug and alcohol abuse, but if you take heed, you can be moulded by others who advise that what you are doing is wrong. You would have solved the challenges alone by accepting counselling,” she said emphatically.
