The Sunday News
Thandekile Moyo
I HAVE kept a diary for as long as I can remember. I recall shutting myself in our room as a teenager and filling page after page with my dreams, my experiences, my fears and my escapades. I documented everything that happened to me and around me with dedication and diligence. It’s a pity that I lost all my childhood diaries, I’m sure they would have made for an interesting read.
In one of my current diaries is lists of what I like, what I dislike, my fears, my contradictions, what I like to do, my weaknesses, my strengths and the perfect gifts for me. Because I am a lists person, I know exactly what I want in a man.
The list of the qualities I want in my dream guy is long and precise. He should be kind and considerate, stable, respectable and respectful, confident, happy, cheerful, and clean. He must be open minded and able to express himself, authoritative but gentle, loving, attentive and clear about what he wants. He has to be funny, romantic, loving, protective, macho but soft spoken, supportive and dominant. Above all, he must smell good.
I met a man once, who offered me “the world”. He was smitten with me and tried to make me as happy as possible. He bought me things, he fed me and was always at my beck and call. But try as I might, I could not like him back. I enjoyed the gifts, there’s no doubt about that, but I did not like the man.
He did everything he could, to try and buy my love and could never understand why I rejected him. This guy would fight with policemen at every roadblock and threaten to call their superiors. He expected special treatment from everyone because he was “rich” and was nasty if he did not get it. He was domineering, argumentative and had no sense of humour. So yes, his money was attractive, unfortunately he lacked a personality to back that up. I went back to my list and realised he didn’t meet any of the attributes of my dream guy so I ditched him and his “all expenses paid” shopping trips and the car he wanted to give (loan) me.
There is a misconception out there, that all women want is money, and that all women are impressed by money. Men do not realize that there is a breed of women out here that wants more than just to be passengers in your range rovers. There are women who want to get to know the man and not the wallet. There are women who realize the emptiness of success without brains just as much as men are bored by beauty without brains.
I see men walking around with this attitude of being entitled to all the women because they have money and this kind of superiority complex just annoys me. Guys trick girls into relationships by offering them cars in their names, renting homes for them and making them quit their jobs.
They hold girls at ransom by the silent threat of going back to being a pedestrian if you dump him, having to crawl back to your parents’ house and having to live without manicures and pedicures. I always wonder what these kind of men have to offer to a woman who can pay her own bills and can take care of herself financially. There is a breed of men who feels they do not have to make an effort in relationships simply because they are “loaded”.
There is great danger in choosing partners using superficial qualities such as wealth and beauty. When you are stripped of all your wealth and she is stripped of all her curves, beauty, makeup and brazillian hair, what will you have to offer each other. I have heard many men accuse their exes of using them because they dumped them when their finances dwindled. But can you blame someone for dumping you, when you wooed her with money. And if you “stole” a man from an older woman with your youth, can he be blamed for leaving you for a younger version, when you get old. In the same breath, for someone to stay with you even in hard times, have more to offer than just money or good looks.
My list is of a “dream” guy, and maturity is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. It is unlikely that I will ever find a man who ticks all the boxes on my 3 paged list. There has to be a few core values that I know I cannot compromise on but everything else has to be flexible unless I create my own person. Everyone has a dream job, a dream car, a dream home, a dream man and a dream life.
Life teaches us that it is ok to dream but important to compromise on our dreams as we face reality. If we are not careful, we will shun the hardworking, responsible and respectful but “poor” man in favour of the dream man, who is extremely rich leaving us stuck with a controlling, egotistic, pig headed lunatic for life. Men will chase the beautiful but lazy, argumentative and brainless dream woman and ignore the level headed, respectful and submissive but plain faced girl.
Maturity is knowing that all relationships are compromises. There is no perfect someone and no person solely for you. Even in marriage, it is easy to find yourself disoriented with your partner as you see “better” choices out there.
They say the grass always looks greener on the other side. It is therefore important to always remind yourself of the qualities that attracted you to your spouse in the first place. There will always be a more beautiful woman than your wife, a funnier man than your husband, a cleverer girl than your girlfriend but before you stray, ask yourself, isn’t there a better person for my partner than me?
