The Sunday News
COMPUTERS rule our world now, whether we like it or not. I’m not one of those fossils who refuses to embrace technology by sticking to my landline and shunning “the grid’’. I’m all for social media and rapid text communication because, as someone who works in media, this is a very significant part of my job. However, I have to remember that some people are not as cool with their phone running their lives.
The other morning, a man I will refer to as “The Biker” and I were in bed, enjoying each other’s company, and he told me to put my phone on silent because it was crying like a baby on an airplane. So, I put it on silent — for about 15 minutes — then I turned it back on again, remembering I had some work deadlines to attend to and did not want to be late on my emails. When my phone started beeping again, he threatened to throw it out the window (lovingly, of course). At that point, I had to decide.
Great sex or emails answered in a timely fashion? (Sex always wins.)
Besides the mood-killer that a beeping phone can be during intimate moments, texting with a partner can also bring up issues. Amanda Klein of The Huffington Post kind of said it best in a quick study on texting she conducted in 2012: “Texting is a relatively new medium, and there is an absence of rules and guidelines for interaction,” Klein wrote. “This absence of expectations may ultimately cause conflict or disappointment in relationships, specifically those romantic in nature.”
Basically, we are all running on our own blueprints for the social etiquette of texting. One partner’s expectation of acceptable message length, response time or frequency of interaction may not match up with their partner’s, and if the relationship is relatively new (and thus, an understanding of the relationship’s security might not be established yet) one partner may read into these cues far more than they should.
Texting leaves a lot open to interpretation, and this is where things can get really messy and finish before they have even started. Texting leaves room to overanalyse a conversation. Even just the fact that our iPhones document the entire discussion allows one to scroll, interpret, scroll, overthink. It’s crazy. You don’t need a strong memory to recall a discussion; it’s all right there.
Response time
How many times have I heard my friends complain about the response time of the person they are romantically involved with? Bazillions. It’s ridiculous. As I said above, we all have different relationships with our phones, and as you get to know your partner, you will get to know how they interact with their phone.
One online study (provided by AT&T, beware) noted that users complained that a slow response time was the biggest texting turn-off. Another article stated that if a response doesn’t come within an hour, the receiver should consider themselves ignored. That’s mental. My feeling is this: If you send three messages in a span of 24 hours and there’s no response, then yeah, consider yourself ignored and move on.
Texting angry
In a legal battle, every good lawyer will advise his or her client to avoid written communication with the party they are fighting. Documented evidence is no longer hearsay. It’s there. You said it and it can be used against you later. The same rule goes for texting, so do not text angry.
What’s the point? Meaningful discussions that actually affect your emotions should be done face-to-face. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a giant text full of rage. How can one even respond to that? And the same goes on the receiving end. If you get an angry text from your mate, always defuse by offering to continue the discussion in person and cutting it off before things get out of hand.
Remember that scene in The Departed when the hot therapist that Leonardo DiCaprio slept with tries to tell him something meaningful as he’s walking out her door? He stops her and says something like, “Stop. Think about what you’re about to say for two weeks. If you still want to tell me then, you can give me a call.” Two weeks is extreme, but think before you click
“Send” because once you throw that text out into the ether, you can never get it back.
The more or less of gender
Last year, Lori Cluff Schade at Brigham Young University conducted a study on heterosexual couples’ texting behaviours for The Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy. Research found that men used texts to distance themselves and avoid an in-person conversation, while women used texts to connect. “Women are pursuers in trying to fix things, while men tend to withdraw from the feeling that they are being attacked or criticised,” Schade offered.
Now, this is a generalisation of gender (I, as a woman, find myself more on the so-called masculine end of this study when it comes to texting), however, there is a conflict with these two uses of text. The study also noted that men who reported texting more with a partner considered that relationship of lower quality while women reported the opposite. Again, our own blueprints cause miscommunication and mangled interpretations.
I’m jealous of your phone
Lastly, when you are together with your romantic partner, you have to put the phone down (or just put it on silent and ignore.) Emails, texts from friends, tweets and Facebook alerts can wait. Seriously, they can wait (I have to remind myself of this all the time). There’s nothing more frustrating than talking to your partner while they stare at their phone, giving it more face time than you. Giving someone your undivided attention seems nearly impossible today, but to savor relationships you have to just put the phone down. I mean, Siri can tell you where the nearest Del Taco is, but is she going to lay in bed with you and rub your back after giving you the best blow job of your life? Nope.
—Askmen.com
