The Devil on the cross

Micheal Mhlanga
There is a looming quest for bubble gum political relevance that dislodged reactionaries find themselves pursuing. This comes not as a new skimid ride in Zimbabwe’s political dispensation; it dates back to the days of Zimbabwe’s liberation struggle.

This sensation conceived clericals such as over ambitious Reverend Ndabaningi Sithole, Archbishop Abel Muzorewa, retired Archbishop Pius Ncube and now excommunicated religious entrepreneur, Evan Mawarire. I am not puzzled by the pool that Evan belongs to, which thinks that every aspect of nationhood is simplistic as a didactic sermon delivery, but I am much more worried about how such fledgling people do not have a mind of their own to critically appreciate antiquity throwbacks as if Golgotha holds the transformation alternative for the current challenges confronting Zimbabwe. Likewise, their followers think that their ideas must not be challenged, alas! When you find yourself in politics, your word ceases to be divine and conclusive, you are not Jesus! #ThisSermon

The Devil on the cross
At this point I am reminded of Ngugi Wa Thiong’o’s book about those who rob the masses in Jesus’ name. They implore us to “harambe” (#ShutdownZimbabwe) in the process exchanging the cloth for national symbols (#Thisflag). They are the architects of religious pretence, only awakened to the political forefront when their children are hungry and have no school fees. A clear sign that the fight to “liberate” Zimbabwe from the current “crisis” is for their self-interest. Probably the tithes and offering (harambe) from small-scale religious enterprises now pays less. Why not join Magaya or Makandiwa and others who have made it big? Perhaps after the liberal system of UK excretes you, you fail to maintain the living standards thereof. Linton Kwesi Johnson was right “England is a bitch”.

Maybe being an MC at weddings and posting videos as a marriage and dating expert needed escalation to posing as a political activist.

Perhaps we need an organ that regulates MC stipends so that we avoid political philosophy starved celebrities from displaying undisputable levels of academic midgetry.

Politics is not about the evidence of things not seen and substance of things hoped for, it is realism, it is strategy, it is bureaucracy, and it is implementation and delivery.

Anyway this piece is not on Evan who seemingly is better of all the #hashtag comprados, its more to do with the new breed of “assumed” anti-establishment movers and shakers, ranging from Promise Mkhwananzi of the #Tajamuka clan who is a dislodged opposition youth participant, the aforementioned Pastor Evan right up to the egoistic, alleged corrupt, fraudster William Mutumanje. #TheseLeadershipCredentials. Mutumanje who is ashamed of his real name that he calls himself Acie Lumumba.

This young chap is wallowing in a jacuzzi of ignorance and is suffering from a Mike Rossian syndrome (To be explained).

Do we need new names?
Self-christened scribe NoViolet Bulawayo (2013), posits the idea of Zimbabwe being a “kaka country” whose sanity can be brought through regime change and thus in the process result in the renaming of the organic features of the country’s history and memory centred on the liberation narrative.

The book is an attempt to use the “Zimbabwean crisis” to obliterate the values of the liberation struggle.

In the same manner, William Mutumanje a.k.a. Acie Lumumba uses the name Patrice Emery Lumumba in vain claiming or insinuating to be a direct descendant of the former Congolese liberation icon who was assassinated by the haters and plunderers of Africa in a bid to fraudulently redefine himself and create a new narrative for himself inclined to the great Congolese.

The huge pseudo-Lumumba unmasking came when Zambian authorities discovered that there is not even a strain of Congolese blood in his vein, let alone a 1996 Cranborne based Lubumbashi Stars dance member was not even linked to him.

So where is the Congolese DNA in him?
Political relevance and leadership is not necessitated by pseudo personality attributes. When one fails to distinguish their facebook username and masses’ reality, we question their worthiness, seriousness to serve and be genuine points of reference to matters of national importance.

You are outrightly not fit to be Zimbabwean when you think you are now older and cleverer than your parents. My colleague Pofela Ndzozi constantly argues that we give life and legitimacy of being when we name and rename.

When one is given a name, the meaning attached to it gives legitimacy if not life to a new occurrence or a new element of humanity. When Ndzozi first articulated this idea, I could not comprehend it until I discovered that there is a moron in the person of William Mutumanje, with an obese ego yet trifling brain. He denounces his name, whether officially or not, that is not the point, I am just imagining if we can have a president with a pseudo name. #UbumbuluObunje

With a litany of ill-behaviour, I am confident that some of his documents use an alias pretence of Acie Lumumba to conduct his Gommorite exercises. It was and is understandable for one to have a norm de guerre in the liberation struggle as our fathers and grandparents then were victims of Rhodesia’s brutality hence an alias would protect their movement and families.

Such names as Rex Nhongo, Dragon Magabaputika, Disaster Mabhunumuchapera and Seemenomore Mupiniwasvotoka are tolerable as they served an important function of deceiving the enemy then and expressing the degree of their conviction to the cause of the liberation struggle. As my father’s late friend who maintained his liberation war name, Tichatonga Zvachose (May his soul rest in peace) and indeed when Zimbabwe became independent his name was prophesy fulfilling of the Africans’ capture of power from the colonial hands. #Tichirikutonga

The name Lumumba
How then does Acie resonate with the real Patrice (whom he is not related to)? Does his character reflect the martyrdom of Patrice? Is there a grain of hope in him to emulate even the political flaws of Patrice? I doubt. Allow me to do a comparative analysis of Lumumba (the real one) and Lumumba (the fake).

Patrice Lumumba was Prime Minister of The Congo for 81 days, from 23 June to 14 September 1960. To his supporters, Lumumba was an altruistic man of strong character. He favoured a unitary Congo and opposed division of the country along ethnic or regional lines. Like many other African Leaders, he was a proponent of Pan Africanism and liberation for colonial territories.

He proclaimed his regime one of “positive neutralism,” defined as a return to African values and rejection of any imported ideology, including that of the Soviet Union: “We are not communists or Catholics. We are African nationalists.” Patrice Emery Lumumba is well-knownor his consistency in leadership as he denounced King Baudouin’s celebration of development under colonialism at the June 30 1960 Independence celebration where President Kasa-Vubu boot-lick thanked the King and did not schedule Patrice to speak. His patriotic conviction as a Congolese challenged the Belgium neo-colonial system.

On the other hand, we have our overzealous parents christen denouncer, Acie Lumumba. As the controversy surrounding the launch of his party unpacked, I dedicated my time to find out who this self-acclaimed Doctor of Philanthropy is, only to my disappointment to find out that the 28-year-old born in February of 1988 has a questionable relationship with the truth and a long drawn out history of corruption, lying and bullying. For years, William has been the biggest challenge that Zimbabweans have met and may continue to face if they follow him. He is an undeniably underground thief who authorities say orchestrates amazing levels of corruption, misappropriation of Government’s funds, and converting funds for the beneficiation of youth to personal use to the point of opening a butchery line in Epworth, Meatbox.

Born and bred in Hatfield, William did his primary education and proceeded to Prince Edward for his secondary. Thereafter he claims to have been awarded a scholarship to Harvard at 16 years which is an accolade he used to fraud the government of Zambia. He became the advisor to President Rupiah Banda on Youth and Empowerment activities, after claiming that he is a direct descendent of Patrice Emery Lumumba (the real one), only for the secret service of Zambia to receive news that William is not in the Harvard system, in fact he has never applied at Harvard and he hails from Hatfield and has no ties with any Congolese. Then Acie got the Zambian Job (ref:The nutJob.movie) because he misrepresented to the Zambian President that he had a Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science and a Master’s in Public Administration and Governance which he claimed to have attained at Harvard University. If you love your television like I do, then you may be aware of Mike Ross in the popular soap opera Suits. He fabricates his Harvard attendance from season 1 to season 5 until the elasticity of lies breaks in season 6.

Such lies about attending Harvard are synonymous with that fictitious character, hence I call them the Mike Rossian syndrome which has affected Acie, and we should go “Sheila” on him. I later on discovered that Acie is a pathological liar who has no shame in the inconsistency of his lies. He now lies to the extent of believing his own lies. At one point he claims that he grew up in a poverty stricken Epworth family and his fortunes changed when he was awarded a scholarship to Finland where he became exceptional to the point of being transferred to Birmingham King’s Norton in the United Kingdom.

He also makes wild claims that he further studied at the prestigious London School of Economics and alongside also ridiculously claims that he did a joint programme with Kennedy School of Governance studying Public Administration and Economics. You do not need to go as far as Grade One to realise how Acie has assumed the propensity of the absurd. In 28 years of existence, how have you attended all those institutions, Harvard, LSE, Finland, Birmingham King Norton, Kennedy School of Governance, Hatfield Primary and Prince Edward?

To be continued.

Micheal Mhlanga is a research and strategic communication specialist and is currently serving Leaders for Africa Network (LAN) as the Programmes and Public Liaison Officer. He also administrates multiple youth public dialogue forums in Zimbabwe including the annual Reading Pan Africanism Symposium (REPS) and Back to Pan Africanism Conference. Feedback can be sent to [email protected]