The Sunday News
Nhlalwenhle Ncube
PLANNING to get married does not always mean getting married, sometimes the wedding ends before you say “I do”.
A cancelled wedding is a nightmare which will live to haunt you for a long time and if unlucky, it can haunt you for the rest of your life as statistics have it that some people became mentally disturbed after failing to handle the pressure of wedding ‘‘not happening’’.
Weddings are cancelled every year for numerous reasons. There is nothing as hurtful and stressful as the cancellation of a wedding considering that you would have wasted a lot of money and time preparing, but these are usually the last things to cross a victim’s mind. The hardest part is embarrassment because friends and relatives will already be preparing for the day as well.
It is unfortunate that people even rub it in as they will always ‘‘bomb’’ victims with a lot of questions. Surely, already someone has got a lot to deal with, but people around her or him make it worse. Wedding cancellation is not a petty issue as someone next door might assume. It is so frustrating, that is the reason we have seen some people deciding to commit suicide, especially if they do not get counselling and support.
Tying the knot is a dream come true for many and therefore it becomes too much pressure to handle if it fails to come true despite some promises! Just imagine at times some would have paid for everything namely venue, catering and bought the wedding gown and suit. Then when you get to cancel less than three months before the wedding some service providers do not refund you. It is heartbreaking!
Of course at that moment, money is not your major worry as you will be having a lot on your mind. It is sad that some weddings end up not happening, not because of problems between the two parties involved, but external factors. Usually family members contribute to cancellation of weddings. It is really bad and at times it even becomes difficult for couples to continue with preparations if one of the parents is threatening not to attend the wedding for certain reasons.
As Africans, we always want parents’ blessings in everything we do, but I think there are some parents who are now “abusing” children because of that.
Really, for how long will “children” live to please their parents? Even in issues to do with love, parents want to be involved in helping one choose a life partner. On a serious note adults should stop being selfish and know that they have lived their lives. Giving guidelines is enough, let the ‘‘children’’ make their choices!
On the other hand, some weddings have been called off because one of the parties would have developed cold feet. It is normal for a pending marriage to bring up issues of personal identity, a re-examination of dreams you had for yourself and ideas you have about the kind of person you are. One can then feel not ready for marriage and call it off.
At the same time one of the parties may discover certain secrets about their lover forcing them not to continue with the marriage. Even the sudden appearance of “ghosts” at the eleventh hour can ruin everything.
Though a cancelled wedding has always been a social embarrassment, today’s weddings are often very public affairs as couples keep people up to date on social media. Because of voyeurism, guests can feel they have a right to know the cancellation story. Never rush to change Facebook relationship status from “engaged” to “single” because you will get comments and messages which will even hurt you more.
After the cancellation of the wedding, it is normal to be emotional and hurt. If you feel like crying do and never try to act strong because that will hurt you more. It is also fine to avoid attending weddings for some time, because whenever you attend one, it brings back bad memories and as a result you may take longer to recover.
Simply letting guests know there will be no wedding is enough information at that point. You do not have to get into the details with anybody. Just share the unfortunate news and say you will talk to them soon and appreciate their understanding. The minute you entertain anyone, you are bound to be more hurt with their judgement and statements. Remember at this time there will be a lot of emotions to sift through, a lot of difficult conversations and a lot of heartbreaking questions and answers. Just focus on the relief and put one foot in front of the other!
If you have been through such a difficult phase in your life just know you will survive, cancellation of a wedding does not mean the end of everything but might be the best thing to ever happen to you. Everyone survives these things. I am sure that deep down, you already know this. The discomfort, the embarrassment, the tears, the unknown — can feel excruciating, but it will pass.
Also find support, but not from your partner. Ask someone who is close to you for some extremely confidential quality time. If no one comes to mind who can offer unbiased and open-minded listening skills, see if you can find a trusted person. Church leaders who are reserved often offer counselling, anything is better than nothing. There will be a time to talk with your partner, but right now you need neutral support.
Marriage is about all aspects of life; finances, children, dreams, career, health and safety, freedom and happiness. Be sure to surround yourself with people who can help. Remember, shame never lifted a single spirit. If the wedding was cancelled, learn and grow from that experience, it is not the end of road. A true relationship is about two people refusing to give up on each other!
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