The Sunday News
I no longer love him, he is a loafer
Hi Sis Noe
WE have been married for 15 years and we have two daughters, I love my husband but I don’t have any desire to have sex with him. I do fantasise about sex but not with him. We fight a lot and my husband says a lot of hurtful things but he never apologises when he is wrong. — Help.
REPLY
One of the most common reasons for lack of desire is underlying resentment towards one’s partner. The verbal abuse you are receiving from your husband urgently needs to be addressed. The next time it happens, stand your ground and tell him that it is inappropriate and unacceptable. Walk away if necessary. No kind of abuse should be tolerated in a marriage. Couples therapy should help to create better parity in your relationship, while individual therapy could help raise your self-esteem and heal you from this trauma. Your lack of desire has arisen from the way you view yourself — as a mother, caretaker and ill-treated wife — leaving no place for your sexy, playful self to emerge. Once you have learned to stand up for yourself it will be easier for you to release your inner courtesan.
Hi Sis Noe
HOW long after having sex do I have to take the morning after pill? — Worried.
Reply
Also known as emergency contraception (EC), the morning after pill contains a high dose of hormones that help to prevent pregnancy soon after sex. Research suggests that while it’s recommended that EC is taken within 72 hours, it’s moderately effective up to 120 hours, dependent on the formula that’s used. Emergency contraception is often referred to as the “morning after pill,” but the sun doesn’t have to come up for it to be taken. In fact, the general consensus is that for most formulations, the sooner it’s taken, the more effective it is. Currently, there are some options on the market, both over-the-counter and by prescription, to protect against unintended pregnancy for those that had contraceptive method fail or had unprotected sex.
Hi Sis Noe
I am in love with a man who has a girlfriend. He had said he was unhappy and was going to leave her but now he has changed his mind. He said he loves me but he can’t leave her because she works and I don’t. I don’t know what to do. — Confused.
Reply
It’s your choice. Just look at the knots you are tying yourself up in trying to work out an acceptable narrative for his unacceptable behaviour. There are few qualities less attractive in men and this man of yours seems to be imbued with industrial quantities. Surely we can all agree that when you are being overlooked because you are not employed then it’s time to get real. This is not the stuff of great love stories, but of ill-conceived dalliances, self-deceit and our deep desire to be wanted, often at any cost. I have no idea if he is genuine but even if he is the trouble is that his behaviour doesn’t make him any less of a bad man. In fact it increases my sense that this is a guy with little moral fibre and no ability to steer his own destiny — two qualities not at all appealing in a prospective partner. I don’t really care why he is still with his girlfriend. Actions speak far louder than words — you are worthless to him. My advice is to tell him you will give him neither space nor time but intend to carry on with your own life, rising above his inability to make choices and setting your sights on someone who knows what they want and is prepared to make the sacrifices.
Hi Sis Noe
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for some time but I want to break up with him because it’s not working. But I don’t know how to end it. — Worried.
Reply
It’s best to recognise and deal with your relationship problems now, rather than letting them linger for too long when they can become harder to handle. In a situation such as this, it is important to remember that kindness and respect are what count. Of course, you have options. You can let him know over the phone, through Facebook or WhatsApp, or you can see him one last time. If you choose to meet, a quiet place shows care, and allows for fewer interruptions or opportunities for humiliation (or even a dramatic scene). In the end, you simply have to tell him what you mentioned in your question: “It’s just not working”. You don’t have to blame him, and you don’t have to justify yourself. Keep your message short and clear. You may be doing him a favour by breaking up — that is, saving him from wasting any more time or energy in an unsatisfying relationship that is just not working. Thinking on the bright side, you are even giving him the possibility of meeting someone new. And as you give him this option, you also give it to yourself. After the break up, it might be helpful to spend some time with friends, whether old or new.
