The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I DIVORCED my husband and a few months later he died after a stroke and my youngest child blames me for his death. She says if I had not divorced him he was not going to die. I think my daughter now hates me and it pains me that she thinks I am at fault because the truth is that her father has always had health issues. What can I do to make things right? — Worried.
Reply
You are damned every way because the timing of his death is not good. Your husband passed away while your daughter was particularly engaged with him. Young girls practise relationship techniques on their doting dads, often creating an intimate and love-struck partnership, unhampered by reality, until the teenage years blow some cold home truths into their cosy union. Talking to her about him regularly will help to make him more mortal, while the more you wrap him up in silence the larger he will loom. You don’t need to give her a blow by blow account of the reasons you divorced and of his failings, but you need to be honest about the good times and bad.
It’s also important to remember him with love, but not hyperbole. Bear in mind that your daughter’s only viable response to what she perceives as attacks on him will be to defend her territory — her good memories of him. I am not so sure that this is something you can deal with alone. There is absolutely no stigma but a lot of sense in getting your doctor to recommend a grief counsellor. Your task is further complicated by the fact that the divorce was recent, leaving you to again pick up the pieces. It could be unusual if that didn’t make you feel guilty and even ashamed. I am sure that you could do with some support yourself and I have no doubt that both you and your daughter would benefit from an expert’s guidance in how to live with your memories without being engulfed by them.
The passing away of a parent isn’t something you “get over”, and nor should it be. Their abrupt departure from your life when you are young and vulnerable is enough of a severance without anyone trying to make it a clean break. The fact that you’re already agonising over how best to help your daughter and her siblings suggests they are in safe and capable hands.
Hi Sis Noe
When I am having sex with my husband I imagine myself having sex with other men and I invent stories in my mind in order to reach orgasm. I love my husband and I feel guilty for doing that but I can’t stop. — Help.
Reply
Many women (and men) have similar fantasies and, as you have found, it doesn’t mean they want them made real. Nor does it mean there is anything wrong with you. Fantasies, like dreams and imaginations, are generally an outlet for emotions and psychological undercurrents we can’t or don’t want to include in our everyday experience. It’s not abnormal to be stimulated by the abstract idea of having sex with other men. It certainly doesn’t mean you want to cheat. I think you need to relax.
Humans are complicated creations and exploring our fantasies is as vital as fuelling our bodies — as long as we are not causing harm to ourselves or others.
Hi Sis Noe
I am doing my Master’s degree and I have a good job but no boyfriend. I am a beautiful girl but I feel lonely. I want to do the things other girls do, like having many boyfriends, but I can’t differentiate between love and lust. I am beautiful but so desperate that I once dated a man five years younger than me. I don’t know what is wrong with me or is it because I am a Christian who believes in sex after marriage? — Worried.
Reply
You sound like you have been immersed in your studies and could do with letting off some steam — but don’t let it be fuelled by misplaced notions of how others live their lives. Allowing crushes to develop on almost every man you meet is a seriously silly thing to do. And these girls with multiple boyfriends are not necessarily having a better time than you — just a different time. If you want to remain true to your religious beliefs and don’t believe in sex before marriage, do so with conviction and assurance. You have every right to choose who you want to be and how to live, no matter what the prevailing social mores are.
If you identify the right circles, you will easily meet someone who admires and shares those Christian principles. Our pool of eligible partners has increased enormously thanks to the internet and you can connect with a wide variety of minorities, through bona fide dating sites, from the comfort of your sofa. Hell, I can even get you a man who shares your beliefs if you want! What is most important, though, is that you choose the right path for you, and not one dictated by others. What is the point of a degree and a Master’s if you can’t employ that talent to be what you want? To be happy you don’t need to be me, or any of the girls you mention in message. Instead of watching the world go by, determine where to join in.
Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend has a low sex drive and I can’t help but think that I am to blame because I am not beautiful as his ex-girlfriends.
He says he just does not like having sex a lot. Should I leave him? — Starved.
Reply
I am tempted to say why not? I am all too familiar with that internal voice you have got in your ear, telling you that you are less attractive than his ex and suggesting that if only you were “better”, he would want you more. I am not buying it and neither should you. You need to stop blaming yourself and understand that while this issue with the physical side of your relationship is neither your problem nor your responsibility, perhaps it is something you and he can improve on if you work together.
An imbalance of desire in a relationship can be a confidence-crippling thing for both parties and one of the toughest iniquities to resolve. It’s a topic that is hard to discuss and even harder to live with, and there is certainly a point at which words lose their positive power and start contributing to the problem. Compatibility is not simply measured by the topics you agree on and the number of times you enjoy a laugh, though both are important. It is also about finding a partner who works for you sexually and making that one of your priorities is nothing to be ashamed of. I am hoping it is not your boyfriend who makes you feel less appealing than his ex-girlfriends, although I suspect that it’s far more likely to be a self-inflicted sense of inferiority.
Are you prepared to compromise on the physical side of the relationship? Is he prepared to try to resolve his low libido? If so, there are plenty of specialists who can help a willing patient — you should visit a general practitioner. Or are you resigned to feeling sub-standard to his ex and assuming responsibility for his lack of passion for as long as this relationship lasts? You are a gorgeous, clever, witty, intelligent capable young woman with your whole life stretching ahead. There will be compromises and heartbreak along the way, but if you set your own standards, assume responsibility for your ambitions and desires and focus on realising them, you will have every opportunity to lead a full and rewarding life. Only you can identify what is non-negotiable for your personal happiness, but once you have, don’t compromise or take the burden of blame when others fail to live up to your standards. He is a lucky guy to have you and he may just need to sharpen up his act if he is going to keep you.
