The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I told my new boyfriend that I regret having sex in the past and I will only sleep with him when I am his wife. He told me I am a secondary virgin. What does that mean? — Woried.
Reply
Secondary virginity is a decision to abstain from sexual activity until you get married. It’s an opportunity to start over. Your physical virginity may be lost, but virginity is more than just a physical state. It’s an attitude, a frame of mind. It’s manifested in the way you look at yourself and others. Secondary virginity is a time to change bad habits and heal past wounds. It allows you to clean and renew yourself prior to marriage. Secondary virginity is a return to abstinence following a life of sex. A commitment to secondary virginity is often made with the goal of remaining abstinent until committing to a life-long monogamous relationship, such as marriage. Increasing numbers of teens and young adults are making this decision to reduce their considerable risk for sexually transmitted infections and non-marital pregnancies.
Hi Sis Noe
Ever since I gave birth my husband rarely sleeps with me. Sometimes he comes to bed late and I think he will be avoiding me.
What can I do? — Starved.
Reply
I believe your husband is suffering from post-natal depression. The truth is depression, anxiety and other mood disorders are common. In fact, they are just as common — and just as real — as physical problems, like heart disease and diabetes. They can also be as crippling. You are having a hard time living with a husband who is depressed. The lack of sex is a very painful part of that. So how do you deal with it, and what can you do to give yourself a sense of acting on it, even though you know that you cannot cure it? If taking action is your instinct, then take action.
You need to be there for him, talk to him, cook for him, and treat him as if everything is normal. Do not pressure him to have sex with you, it will happen in due time. Having patience is hard. Waiting for someone to improve is hard. But what choice do you have? The other ways to beat depression is to do things that reduce stress. Exercise, a talk with the marriage counsellor, a holiday getaway for a day without the baby — all these things can help you.
Hi Sis Noe
I have noticed that there is blood in my semen. I am worried. Please help me Sis Noe. — Worried.
Reply
Blood in the semen is known as hematospermia. This condition is common, and in younger men, it’s not usually a sign of a serious problem. Hematospermia has many potential causes, the most common of which is inflammation of the seminal vesicles (the small glands that produce most of the fluid in semen). Other possible explanations may include inflammation or lesions in other parts of the reproductive system such as the prostate, urethra and testicles. Hematospermia will usually disappear without medication, but it’s a good idea to get checked. It’s important to get examined if you keep noticing blood for more than ten ejaculations or two months, or if you are over 40 years of age. These factors might indicate a more serious cause like a systemic infection or, for older men, cancer.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a boy aged 15 and every morning I wake up with an erection. My friends think it’s caused by urine but it happens even when I don’t have urine in my bladder. — Confused.
Reply
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And contrary to what many believe, waking up with your penis at attention is not caused by urine build-up in the bladder. Morning erections are technically night time erections (or Nocturnal Penile Tumescence). They happen three to five times per night. They usually occur during periods of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (when most dreaming occurs) and last around 30 minutes each.
Unrelated to dream content, they are both common and completely normal. Though you may find it surprising, this phenomenon occurs in other mammals. Women experience similar yet less visually noticeable REM-related engorgement of the clitoris and vagina as well. Thought to be the body’s natural attempt to properly oxygenate the penile tissue, most guys will have nocturnal erections throughout their lifetime, and their frequency, along with one’s awareness of them, may vary.
Hi Sis Noe
I recently went for an HIV test and I tested positive. But I am afraid to tell my girlfriend. How best can I tell her? — Worried.
Reply
Breaking the news to your partner that you may have HIV can be very daunting. There are many ways to broach the topic, and many factors to consider including timing, location, and the manner in which you communicate most comfortably. Often it’s helpful to pick a time and place where you and your partner will both be calm. Be prepared for your partner to be upset, sad, overwhelmed, and/or unable to have a prolonged discussion right away. People often need time to process the news that a loved one has HIV.
After the news has time to settle, you and your partner may wish to discuss a range of issues, such as the risks of transmission, safer sex strategies, how this impacts your day-to-day life, whether you will begin treatment, and how you can best support each other. You certainly don’t have to tell everyone in your life that you have HIV, but it is actually required by law that you disclose your HIV status to anyone you could potentially transmit the virus to. You may also wish to consider the nature of your relationship — do you and your partner have sex that would be considered high risk for transmitting HIV (sex without protection)?
Is there any chance you would be putting yourself in danger by telling your partner? For a host of reasons, and despite legal considerations, some people living with HIV choose not to tell their sexual partner/s about their status. It may be best to speak with an HIV test counsellor about your relationship and how best to manage the news of having HIV. Telling your partner you have HIV probably won’t be as easy as the other things you might discuss in your relationship, but letting her know your HIV status could enable her to make well-informed decisions about her own health and safety.
