The Sunday News
Hi Sis Noe
I AM a virgin and I have been with my boyfriend for two years and now he wants us to have sex. I told him from the start that I will only have sex with him after marriage and he understood. These days he is pressuring me to have sex with him even though he knows it upsets me. He says he wants sex with me because he loves me, I love him too but I don’t want to sin and to disrespect myself and my religion. — Worried.
Reply
Then don’t. Your last line summed it up perfectly; he basically wants you to disrespect yourself for him. He is not respecting your beliefs or values whatsoever! If he really loves you and understands you, he would not be on your case about it all the time. This is a decision you came to and he is not willing to appreciate that or understand the reasoning behind it anymore.
There are many reasons why you rightfully chose not to have sex until marriage. Most importantly as far as I’m concerned, is your protecting yourself from the potential ramifications of sex such as unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases — both of which have the potential of screwing up your life big time. Having sex is not to be taken lightly or to be done because your partner wants to. I think the decision you have made shows the strength of who you are. Changing the decision because of a boyfriend’s desire to have sex with you only shows weakness. You need to make it very clear to him that under no circumstance will the two of you be having sex. This can be accomplished by the usual sit down conversation, somewhere in private and neutral. Do not be afraid that he will become disinterested in you or break up because of this. If he does, he was the wrong person for you anyway. If he is in this for the right reasons, he will understand and no longer hammer you on the head about this. You have a good sense of what you want and who you are, don’t let a man take that from you.
Hi Sis Noe
My girlfriend and I have sex two to four times a day. Is this normal? We spend time together and go out like other normal couples, but I was wondering if the sex we are having is abnormal. — Help.
Reply
Ask yourself this — why would you even think it is not normal? You like her, the sex is great, and I say have sex whenever it feels right for both of you. If it’s only sex that binds you then you would be nothing but friends with benefits. But since you two are really into each other and do other things then as far as I’m concerned what you have is perfectly normal.
Hi Sis Noe
The father of my baby does not work and never has since we met. He wants me to take care of him. Now he has moved in with me at my parents’ home. We always fight and truth be told I no longer want to be with him. Our son died three months ago so I feel that is the only thing that was keeping us together. I am happy when I am away from home and I have met a sweet guy.
We are just friends for now and I don’t know what will happen between us. — Confused.
Reply
You are doing the right thing by ending this relationship and moving on. This relationship is not working — in fact, it never worked and there is no benefit in staying. He is holding you back, and I am sure you know that. Living with someone who has no ambition to be something and no motivation to contribute in the relationship must be a nightmare. Then to cap it off there are the petty arguments, the violence, it’s a package that doesn’t need a delicate way to get out, just get out! First thing you will want to do is create a support network.
Get the people who care about you involved — tell your parents — that will help you get through this. See if they can help you develop a plan on how you are going to do this and what to do after you leave him. Don’t go into this without a plan in mind. Next, make sure you understand why you are leaving before making any moves. If you don’t, he may try to win you back and if you don’t have all the reasons in your head, he may convince you.
You want to be mentally prepared to just shut him off and go. You have given me plenty of reasons why you don’t even need to listen to his sob stories about how he will try harder and change his ways. It just ain’t going to happen. Next, don’t worry about feelings — just tell him it’s over, you cannot sugar-coat a break up. Don’t be afraid of this, it sounds like you can be independent if you want or need to be. You will probably need to be closer to your parents or friends while you get your life sorted out, but that doesn’t sound like an issue.
Explain the situation to them. I am sure they would be happy to help in any way possible and would probably think highly of you for telling this guy to go jump off a cliff. Be strong, take the initiative, and end something that has been going on much longer then it should. I think you will have a new found sense of freedom and enjoyment you only started to taste when you started talking with the sweet guy you were telling me about. When you felt good talking to him that was a pretty clear indicator that what you are in right now is just not right.
After you have left him, cut communication with him. If he tries to call you or get in contact with you, make it difficult or impossible. You need time away from him to collect your thoughts and be with others who care about you. Start building stronger ties with friends. Be around positive people who have their act together. It will be a nice change after being with a loser for so long. Before you know it, you will have a busy life, that is fulfilling and one you will be happy with.
Hi Sis Noe
I have been married for one year and I have a problem with my husband. I usually get flue now and then and when I am sick I don’t want to have sex but my husband does not understand this. He does not even assist with chores when I am like this. He gets angry and does not talk to me because of that. — Help.
Reply
Tell him to go hang and give you some space (use respectful words though)! Nobody feels particularly romantic with snot dripping out of their nose. He is just going to have to grow up and understand that this is life and he is going to have to deal with it. The very last thing you need is some guy sulking around the house and giving you the cold shoulder, all because you are sick and don’t want to bonk his brains out! Is a husband not supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health? A cold makes you tired and drains your energy, getting it on is the last thing on your mind. If he is so keen to release his urges, tell him to go have a tug of war with his one-eyed monster in the toilet. Promise him when you better, you will be revving to go.
But until then, he is going to have to focus on something other than himself and accept what you are going through, and just possibly, help you out and make you feel a bit better, instead of a lot worse. This not talking to you stuff is absolutely childish. Is this how he reacts to other things that don’t go his way as well? I bet it is.
