The Sunday News
Selusweyinkosi Mhlanga
I know someone is rolling their eyes at that statement and is probably calling it cliché or lousy. It could be really all you need when it comes to dealing with other people, be it in love relationships or when relating with family, friends and colleagues.
Let’s take a look at how most relationships play out. Two people meet, they get along, go on a few dates to see if they can co-exist and they decide that they can.
So, they build a relationship and spend more time together. After a lot of time of being their best selves they relax and get comfortable with having the other in their space and other ‘previously unknown’ characteristics start showing . . . some good . . . some not so good. It is at this point that some people decide to either make or break the relationship, mostly without meaning to.
Not perfect? Love them anyway?
So, you’ve realised that your love interest or your friend is not as ‘perfect’ as you would like to think they are.
Remember that no one is perfect, just as you are not but we love you anyway, well . . . your family does. You must be thinking that your family doesn’t have a choice, they just have to put up with you.
Actually, they do have a choice but most choose to dish unconditional love to you because you are the way you are and they know that there isn’t much they can do about that.
They did their part, they taught you what they know, they groomed you to be the best . . . the best according to them but we all know that that best varies according to individuals and they at some point had to let go of the ideal person that they had about you and let you be what you want to be.
You cannot change someone
Some discover those other characteristics about the other person after marriage when they are actually in each other’s faces all the time and are disappointed, some repulsed.
Then the friction starts showing, the complaining, shouting, trying to change someone, trying to be controlling, the anger and outbursts and the worst-case scenario, physical violence.
This is done all in an attempt to change someone. Keep in mind that the way you think and the way this person thinks are entirely different, therefore it is impossible to see things from the same point of view. Yes, you have things in common but you will always have differences, naturally.
That doesn’t mean that you should fight about it, or drag the other to your point of view, it just will not happen. Why not try unconditional love? Accept them as they are. They may surprise you and start acting the way you expect, not because you changed their mind but because they changed their mind.
A person can only change because they want to change, not that you forced them to. Love and kindness are actually the best way to influence someone, not arguing and definitely not fighting.
You might actually achieve the opposite effect when you try too hard because no one wants to be anyone’s project. They are a complete human being, don’t try to mould them to suit your expectations.
The only person you can change is YOU
Jack Canfield in his book The Success Principles says; “You have control over only three things in your life — the thoughts you think, the images you visualise, and the actions you take (your behavior).”
Simply put, the only person you can change is YOU. Understandably people you relate with can rub you off the wrong way but the only thing you have control of is how you respond to that in terms of your thoughts and reaction.
So it would be a waste of time to get upset over how someone is, or how they do what they do. You should accept them as they are and love them anyway.
If you feel that you cannot co-exist with them and you can move away from them then by all means create some distance between you and love them from a distance but if you want them in your life or you have no choice but to be in the same space with them you should love and respect them as they are.
That does not mean sulking every time they tick you off or agreeing with them for the sake of peace or progress, It means concentrating on their good characteristics, it means allowing them to be who they are and doing what they do.
It means fully accepting that you are not responsible for them and choosing to expect the best from them, not ‘your best’, but the best.
The funny thing about expectations is that they do not disappoint. If you expect the worst from someone, that is what you will get because what you focus on will become true for you.
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