The Sunday News
IT has never ceased to surprise me how no one can explain the common phrase used to explain a relationship on Facebook which is referred to as ‘‘complicated’’. In most instances it borders between an illicit relationship, double crossing, improper association, adulterous or plain sinful. We use that term in a lazy manner because we do not want to be open and honest about the friendship we are in. To others the complication is purely because one is in an abusive and toxic relationship that is slowly killing and destructive to one’s self. Yet, because one cannot deal with through gross incapacity one then refers to it as complicated. Let us walk together today to unpack the issues of a toxic relationship.
When I read Proverbs 22: 24-25 it clearly states, “Make no friendship with a man (or woman for that matter) given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his/her ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” In short there is a need to choose our friends with wisdom. The Apostle Paul writing in 1 Corinthians 15: 33 says of friendship and relationships do not be deceived: “Bad company (relationships) ruins good morals.” These friendships are not just to be made willy-nilly. The friends you keep have an influence on your destiny. They form part of what makes and moulds you.
In some instances we do not even know that we are in a bad relationship or what we can call a toxic relationship. Ignorance is deadly. Still, my friend, we need to be intentional with the people we allow in our personal circle. Our relationships can either make us or break us, our quality of life is dependent on them. Positive relationships add value; but toxic relationships can be harmful to our health.
Once in a time we have all come across these sorts of people within our family, among friends or at the workplace. Toxic relationships do not only involve physical abuse. Some of the most life debilitating forms come in very discreet packaging, through both verbal and non-verbal interactions.
These interactions are nevertheless toxic because they bring on feelings of guilt, unhappiness, condemnation, and unworthiness. They can leave us emotionally drained. Toxic people cause unnecessary stress, anxiety, depression and serious medical problems such as high blood pressure and even heart issues. You may think it is demons of a sort kanti it is just a toxic person being the tool of diabolos!
I have personal experience with toxic people, they have left me feeling trapped and controlled on account of me suppressing my true feelings over time. I have even blamed myself in the past for issues that arise as a result of their boundary crossing. Like most of us, I knew something was wrong in the relationship; but I did not know how to read the signs of toxic relationships. Oftentimes I ignored my own intuition and allowed the dysfunction to continue for too long.
I do not purport to provide answers but rather just some counsel. Learn to read the signs of toxic relationships. There are times you simply need to tell yourself that you are supposed to check out of a relationship. Letting go is hard but at times it is the best and most important step to take. You cannot continue swallowing poison fooling yourself it is “part of life!” If such is part of life then I will not live with it. Angidli okubabayo ngaphandle kwebilebile engizifakele lona!
Learning from the lived trials and pain caused by these types of people, I have become much better over the years at identifying the signs that tell when a relationship has reached its expiration. The following are a few signs you need to watch out for.
Firstly you are not allowed to grow. Toxic people love to bring up your past and enjoy talking about your mistakes and failures. They are often judgmental and will make feeble attempts at fixing you. You cannot do anything right around them. When you take steps to improve yourself, toxic individuals get uncomfortable with the new you. They may even laugh at the thought of your positive intentions. A new suit or fashion step breeds certain animosities you cannot understand.
The above leads to your physical appearance being belittled by these people. These unhealthy individuals will make you self-conscious about your looks. Physical features such as your weight, height, skin colour, or even certain cultural distinctions are a constant subject of sarcastic conversation. Toxic people will even mock your physical disabilities, such as in the way you walk or speak. After being around them, you may leave feeling small, deflated, lonely or unsatisfied with yourself.
You will hear more trigger words. I am sure you have heard them, “If you love me, then you’ll . . .” “Forgive me; I’ll do better next time . . .” “I didn’t mean those words . . .” Toxic people are liars and deceptive. They may even use tears for an emotional pity party. But there is no change. The truth is, there will never be. They break promises to continue their manipulative abusive behaviour.
You are abused by their position. We are taught as children to honour and respect authority; and we should. But toxic people do not play fair. They use their roles and titles to control and often get away with it. Because of their status, they are able to cowardly hide their shortcomings and make themselves unaccountable. And they play that game very well. They also tend to demand recognition and dependency on them.
Serving their agenda is priority. Toxic people are egotistical and tend to use others for their aggrandisement. They use people’s emotions, time, skills and financial resources for their gain. Their agenda must be your goal. There is no mutual positive exchange in this relationship. Only the toxic partner benefits while your feelings and opinions are ignored.
You lack energy instead of feeling motivated. Toxic people are needy, weak individuals. They drain your energy with their constant complaints, frustrations, ongoing drama, and need for attention. So you retreat, become non-communicative and even hesitate to spend time with this person. The relationship grows to be superficial and you only meet out of obligation.
You feel isolated from other relationships. This is the “divide and conquer” strategy where toxic people try to alienate you from other important people in your life. Over time, you become suspicious of them. Later you find yourself fighting or disagreeing with these friends or loved ones for no apparent reason. This is because your manipulator has craftily succeeded in sowing his/her seed of distrust in you already.
You defend your abuser. This follows the previous point. The toxic individual demands loyalty and you willingly play that role. Yet they may betray your trust to others without any feeling of remorse. And because you are so emotionally attached to this person, you justify their unhealthy behaviours. When outsiders point out any abuse or inconsistency in this relationship, the toxic individual expects that you, the victim, will fully defend their cause. This is one of the most sinister strategies, sometimes called Stockholm syndrome.
Toxic relationships are NOT normal or healthy. Please never accept somebody soothing you by saying, “Kuyatholakala empilweni” True that! “Lenyoka ziyatholakala but zibulawe! Such relationships demand too much energy and deplete from your sense of well-being. Life is too short to allow others to control you. Learn to read the signs or take a profile test to determine the health status of your relationships. If you are in a toxic relationship, seek help and get out now do not just say it is complicated. It is killing you slowly get rid of it by getting out of it. One thing has to die it is either the relationship or you! Make your choice! Till next week, Shalom!
